Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-03-17 05:25:22 (UTC)

Peace Practice

One of my coworkers gave me a great compliment today (well, it was great to me). She said that she's noticed a sense of peace about me the past couple of weeks. I consider this to be a great compliment, because achieving peace has been at the top of my priority list! We both share a history of depression and anxiety, among other things. So, she asked me what I've been doing differently lately. I told her that I've been practicing. Peace practice. Whenever I start thinking too much about the things in life I can't control. When I feel overwhelmed, out of control, agitated, I take a moment to live in the moment. I try to be grateful for the good that's around me. I'm far from zen 24/7, but each day it's getting a little better. Practice makes perfect.

I've felt emotional today. Not in a sad way. Like, the joys/gravity/brevity/beauty (all of the above) of life are all too much to bear at times. Even happiness can be overwhelming for me. I'm such a conundrum. I seek happiness, but it overpowers me when I get it. Balance. Maybe THAT'S what I'm really after? Regardless of title, in the core of my being, I know what I seek. I'm on the right path.

Last night's passage in The Book of Awakening touched on our need to slow down. The irony in that, is for the past few weeks I've been intentionally slowing myself down. I live in a state where recreational marijuana is legal (but for me, I view it as a necessity, not just a good time). I'm not sure what took me so long, but I decided to kick my Tylenol PM habit, and fight my insomnia in a more natural way. Anyway, I took a few puffs of my OG Kush cannabis oil vaporizer, and read this passage on slowing down. As I could feel my body slowing down. It was an interesting sensation. I felt like I had to put more effort into actually retaining what I was reading, but once I was finished and was able to lay still and really contemplate what I read, I felt like the whole damn universe opened around me and it all made the most perfect sense! There was an analogy used in the guided meditation that I really liked. Imagine you are a dry sponge, and the obstacles of life are drops of water. Notice how the sponge is able to absorb and expand with what life has to offer. I imagined myself as a sponge. Expanding and contracting as life gives and takes. I slowly drifted off to sleep with this idea in my mind, and woke up feeling like the lesson has really taken root. This was my first attempt at reading while high, but I liked it. I'm going to try it again tonight. At some point, I think I want to try writing while high. I'm not ready for that yet, though. I don't get much time between vaporizing and passing out.

Tomorrow I'm having an endoscopy. Last week I had a colonoscopy. Late last year I found out I have Thalassemia and they're going down a checklist of possible causes as to why I have chronic anemia. It's probably due to heavy periods, but of course they have to check everything. It's one more stressor in my life, but I'm hoping tomorrow will be the last thing. No more experiments, drugs, procedures, etc. I'm so done with it all...




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