Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
The Edge of the Abyss
I find myself struggling to figure out what I want from this diary. In the past, I wrote about life. Whatever was going on that day, but eventually I grew tired of writing about the mundane ins and outs of my very ordinary life. Those feelings haven't changed much. I still don't feel like writing about every little thing. I doubt anyone would be interested in reading about it either, but then, that would only matter if someone other than myself were actually reading. After a 3 year hiatus, I'm fairly certain no one is checking in anymore. And that's okay. At this point I'm very much doing this for myself, and my own needs. Even if I haven't quite figured out what those needs are just yet. It's very apparent, I need to write. It helped so much in the past.
There's a "new age" store I love in Port Townsend called Phoenix Rising. They sell lots of beautiful things (crystals, incense, clothes, tapestries, statues, books, jewelry, I could go on). The aura of the place draws me in. Snookums takes me there fairly often. I think he knows being there makes me happy (and so few things do). Anyhow, last week, I bought a book I'm really hoping will help give me some perspective. It's called The Book of Awakening - Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have. The book is broken down by days. Each day offers an inspirational quote, a mantra, a parable, a life lesson of sorts. And at the end of each little passage, there's a series of guided meditation to help you absorb the lesson. I really like it. So far, I've made it to February 1st. So, still a little catching up to do. Perhaps I'll share some of the lessons here. Or expand on them.
I used to feel like I had a lot to offer the world. A wisdom beyond my years, but now I'm not so sure. I mostly just feel really fucked up and broken. Somehow I lost the sense of control I had of myself. I lost my peace. I can't totally blame my husbands' life crisis for that, but I know it was somewhat of a catalyst. The big change that set off a series of small changes that have brought me to where I am today... I don't like where I am right now. A huge part of realizing you aren't where you want to be, is acknowledging that there will be work involved in getting (back) to the place you want to be. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm feeling mostly ready, and optimistic. Starting back up with my writing is a solid first step. If I can keep this going, I'll be very proud of myself. More than anything, I feel tired and lazy. Like, I simply don't have the energy or will it takes to care for myself. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I've left myself to flounder. What is it going to take to pull myself back from the edge of the abyss?
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