Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-03-14 05:18:50 (UTC)

Moments of Clarity

I've felt compelled to write. Whenever the desire to write becomes too strong to ignore, I inevitably find myself back here. I don't know what it is about this site, but it feels like home. Even if I haven't written in years. I don't think I'd be able to capture that same feeling anywhere else, so here I am. I can't promise it will be forever, but for now...

There's no way to pick up where I left off, it's been too many years. And a lot has happened in those years. It would be safe to say the feelings of contentment and security I was experiencing (even in my last entry), are no longer there to the extent that they once were. I have moments of clarity. Contentment does happen, but it isn't a constant state of being. Part of accepting life for what it is, is to realize that nothing lasts forever. I was waiting for "the other shoe to drop", and it did. But I'm finding myself better able to manage the constant flow of life. I'm working my way out of the darkness that once consumed me, and am looking towards the light. Even in the darkest night, there is always light.

I'm still married to Snookums. 11 years and counting. Which, is kind of miraculous considering all we've been through the past couple years. He left active duty in 2012, can't seem to find his place in life (he's had 4 jobs since then, but is unemployed at the moment). He's in school now, so I hope he gets things figured out. Meanwhile, I remain the stability our family needs. I don't even feel like talking about that. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. Mostly because, it pinpoints the exact place in history my sense of contentment ended. I love him, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me, too. He just needs to get his shit together. And I'll leave it at that for now.

I (being the hedonistic, imperfect being that I am), have had a string of lovers and affairs over the past several years. And for reasons I don't know, nor fully understand, my husband sticks by me, and has helped me clean up all the messes I seem to make of myself. He is flawed, but I believe myself to be even more so. Maybe this is how our marriage works? Anyhow, November of 2013, I had a beautiful encounter with an old friend. I don't feel like sharing details, its something I want to keep for myself, but the short story is, I got pregnant. I found out in December, but didn't find the courage to tell Snookums until late January. I'm still not sure how or why he handled it so well, but he did. Not that it mattered, I found out soon after that the baby had died. I didn't miscarry naturally for some reason, and had to have a D&C. Which led to another D&C and a blood transfusion, and an infection, and a litany of other health problems I'm still dealing with to this very day. I had a colonoscopy this afternoon, and I go back for an endoscopy next Tuesday. I have a blood disorder called Thalassemia. Who knows if or when that may have been discovered had I not had so many pregnancy complications.

I think right now, the constant doctors appointments are what are contributing most to my lacking sense of wellbeing, and general discontent. As I was sitting in the cold, sterile procedure room today, all I could think about was how much I wanted to be somewhere else. A trail in the woods. On a beach far away. Anywhere, but in that room. I'm very close to reaching my limit. Two more appointments are scheduled. One more procedure. They may be my last. I can't live like this anymore.

My children: I can't write a catch up entry and not mention the babies (who are most definitely not babies anymore)! Annie is 15 now. So beautiful, and full of life. She has an amazing confidence and sense of importance about her, and I love it. She's going to do monumental things in this world. Kallista is 9 years old. My little nurturer, who loves to read and tell stories. She's such a sweet, loving, attentive child. So connected to the needs of others. I see her being some type of caregiver or perhaps a teacher. I guess that remains to be seen. Keenan, the baby, is now a big 6 year old! Still the sweetest little man around. He's very small for his age and is incredibly gentle and soft spoken. I'm often told he's "not like other boys", because he isn't. If I believed in angels, I'd know for certain he is one. He just lost both of his front teeth, so he's even cuter than usual!

I think this is where I'll end for today. I can't tell yet if this will lead to daily writings, but we'll see...




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