Screened In Porch

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2015-02-23 17:41:31 (UTC)

Raceday a good start for week

I was so damn comfortable sitting on that bar stool at the pub
yesterday. Some of those ladies in there are whack. I do not
mind them not giving me the time of day. The lady owner does...
and oh did their behavior change when my friend showed up and
sat by me....as we were catching up, here they come....acting

like they were so glad to see both of us and of course one of
them had the nerve to say out loud that she did not even know
it was me with my new hair do. Bull shit. Even with dealing
with some fakeness the day was awesome. We all laughed....
cussed the big screens and Jeff Gordon....had a great downtown
pub afternoon.

She reminded me that my newly found cousin was still having a
hard time dealing with the death of her dad. Something about
the siblings. This made me feel so bad since I have not talked
to her. We have had very little contact. I guess her learning
about my foster family connection to her real life family...
and to top it off, my husband was married to her for real
second cousin. Complicated? Huh? Hell yeah it is.

We planned a weekend to meet at the other place with all the
girls when my new cousin would be there supporting her boyfriends
band. She has been wanting all of us to come hear him for almost
a year now...and that was during time her dad was sick....I had
no idea I was not the only one who had not done this. My BFF has
been dealing with her back and I have been helping her....and
before that I was dealing with my back for about three months
for sure....So none of us have been good friends cousin or not.

I hope she noticed that I was the only one of us that showed up
for her dads funeral. I should have reached out more to her.
But this part of my personality is awkward in these situations
where you are facing possible rejection. I was never good
at job interviews either. But this is a real life situation
here and I really really think the world of her even before the
almost cousin connection. She is so well put together and one
of the nicest people I have met in years. I so wanted to be
closer to her. I guess I was hoping the cousin thing would
help with that. Probably was not a good time to bring that
up. I have been hoping to hear from her. I guess in the real
world, I am the one who should be reaching out first. Where
can I get the rule book for real family behavior. Or maybe
I should just try harder to be a good friend. Cousin connection
or not, that is what we were becoming. Hope I did not blow
it.

If so, it would not be the first time I screwed up a relationship
because of my awkward behavior toward people in my life. I do
a lot of day dreaming about how life would have been for me
if I had been raised in a normal family setting.

Even having my own kids and husband....and we are not even
dysfunctional has not helped me feel like I was in a normal
family. Maybe the emedidate family I am okay with. I love
my family. But I still do not do that part well either. So
falling short with this is no big shocker to me.

Feeling like an outcast sometimes. But hoping to change that
next weekend.

Our friend who met me at the pub yesterday sent me a message
this morning. She has the flu. Thanks a lot. My throat is
sore already. I hope this passes......soon.

Anyway.....

I am looking forward to changing a little bit and attempt to
begin to feel more normal....

one thing....

my biological sister needs a motorized wheelchair. I am
seeking to locate one to be donated to her or one that I
can afford to get for her. She already has a ramp built...
but no wheelchair. She can not afford one. Go figure.


I try.

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