Screened In Porch

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2015-02-09 11:00:14 (UTC)

Monday Morning...

My stomach has had a knot in it all weekend. I have had very
little energy. It was seventy degrees here yesterday and I
did not even go outside.

Last night we started hearing sirens for almost an hour near here.
We learned from the news that there is a very large fire up the
road. It has been burning since last night around 6:00. Since
there is rubber involved and it is messing with air quality, many
residents are being evacuated. Not here. It is up in the area
where I get my car tuned up and also go to dermatologist. They
still have the roads blocks now. Not a good place for detours.
His sister lives up in that area where the fire is. I am glad she
is not knocking on our door. Unfortunately I hate I feel that
way about her unconventional family. It is not me. I could care
less about all that. It is not that, it is the drama, the hate,
the unkindness, the rude, down right mean ass shit. I walked
away from it. However, if they had not acted up in the beginning
I would have went to get them....we would have made it work if
they needed to be here for while. I would not be able to stay
in an area where the air was totally messed up.

You LA folks are safe. I an't coming.

This morning I woke up at 3am. I recall a song about that....
only n my dreams. I had already let the boss know that I am
not going to the class today. I still feel like shit and spending
the day in that cold damp warehouse with a 60 percent chance of
rain too is not a good idea for me. I am staying right here...
can take the classes during the spring or summer months...
I prefer doing it that way. Plus, if I pay for it, it is
a tax deduction.

This morning I was looking at my office area in the kitchen
part of the house...I think I can recreate that in here. I can
have that office right in here. So would give us the opportunity
to take down the bar under the shelves.....that is a great space
for that loveseat. The stereo and record player are in there...
it would be a great place to seat while he is playing his 45's.
That area will become a social area after the renovation...
and having that loveseat right there beside of where the
Island in kitchen will be.....where I hope to have at least
four bar stools...this is a perfect idea. Maybe in the future
I can replace the loveseat with one that has a bed inside. Then
if we need extra sleeping space...we will have it. I can do
the same for the sofa. I was almost ready to start measuring
and jotting down the ideas on some draft paper. But I am sure
that I can explain it too him...and because it enhances the record
player stereo area, he is going to really appreciate that. It is
for him.

But moving that office area in here.....one of the main reasons
I like that area...is because I do have a stereo in there. I can
listen to the radio, play albums, almost anything. I want that
in here. I want that in here. But I want one that operates with
a remote. I think he can recreate it in here. I can even use
the counter top...this might work out.

Today I will spend some time in there at the desk area. I have
to get the tax deductions added up and make a sheet explaining
them to our accountant. I can get the taxes done later this week.

I need to go see the eye doctor and get some different contacts.
I need to ones that are designed to wear a while. These current
ones are not. I think having them in so long is causing my
head aches. I took them out last night. I do not have a head
ache this morning. Duh. Did not even need a doctor for that
did I?

Well, I will need one now....so I should make that appointment.

My mind is my best friend these days. Days of reasons to be
very sad....and I am. Fighting the depression part that slides
in like a sled on a icy hill. I hate the cold. I hate watching
the news and I hate watching people in pain. I hate being in
pain. I hate feeling everything slipping away far out of my
reach. I need a break. I need to take care of me. I need
to keep myself busy. Keep my mind occupied. I am ok.

I know I am not the only one. I just do not feel right about
leaving the house today. I want to be inside....I want to
grieve too. I want my time to do so. I do not want to be
in a cold damp warehouse with rain outside having no where
to escape too with a bunch of people I do not even know.

I would rather be alone.

I feel the pain

today

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