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2015-01-20 11:34:05 (UTC)

You meant it.

It's 10:20 am and I'm unable to sleep. I can't help but think of you, which isn't really surprising. I guess it is in my head due to an earlier thought that crossed my mind while I was outside smoking. I saw a cat sitting at the bottom of my steps and it reminded me of our cat.

But whatever, it's all about you.

The thought of self harm has entered my brain and I don't really know what to do. It's been a long time since I last cut, or even thought about cutting.

I'm currently starting my third week on antidepressants and I can't help but ask myself why I'm thinking about this now, three weeks in?

I thought these were meant to make me stop thinking about these things? Or at least do something so I don't feel like I want to die for the majority of the day. I've heard they can take up to 8 weeks to actually kick in, so I guess right now all I'm getting is the massive downsides and heightened depression out of them.

I guess I was hoping for some sort of payoff considering all the downsides.

I have no ambition or motivation anymore. I don't know if it's because of how I currently feel or due to the fact I work nights and therefore all I see is darkness.

Quitting my job is a daily feeling right now, I don't know why I would. I wouldn't be able to survive. But for some reason I just don't see the point in continuing.

Then the thought of you enters, like a tornado destroying everything in its path.

I think about the simple things, the things that make me think you're the one and that I cannot continue without you.

Then I think what the fuck is the point.

I don't feel it any more. I don't sleep anymore. I don't eat anymore. I don't live anymore. I don't feel.