Screened In Porch

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2015-01-13 10:43:19 (UTC)

Being a non smoker


I put that patch on last night before dark. Before when I have
tried this, I would have a horrible taste in my mouth or feel
dizzy. There would always be a reason to justify ripping that
thing off. Usually the desire to lite one up did the trick.

But something was different this time.

I read yesterday about another woman, much younger than I
who died this week. Married 42 years to a man I went to
school with. Her husband is a wonderful man. It broke
my heart. They both work in the medical field, she never
smoked a day in her life and found out not too long ago
that she had lung cancer. Now, she is dead. Go figure.

It hit me yesterday....as I was trying to fight that damn
heart burn again. I had to find a comfortable position
to sit up in bed trying to avoid the pain as I waited for
that pill to do what it does....and in time it did just that.
But then later, I felt it again.

I sat there like a knot on a log dumb founded. Just how
stupid am I really? Do I really think that doing a little
juicing and detoxing will whip away the damage I have done
from my bad habits? It was not about losing weight either.
That magnificent mounds cake sitting on the bar in the kitchen
for a few days was a sure proof in that. I did not miss a
piece of that cake this week, one day I had two pieces.
WHO IN THE HELL AM I KIDDING? Certainly not myself.

So, not sure what come over me yesterday. Maybe it was the
being sick and tired of fighting the heart burn again. I could
not even remember and still do not recall what in the hell
did that doctor tell me about the heart burn? Certainly she
said nothing about discontinuing the smoking would cure it.
Maybe something about spicy foods? My constant foggy head
prevents me from recalling. But I knew it was time to take
a leap into another attempt to stop this silly shit smoking.
Sick of the smell....sick of the time it takes me away from
things I should be doing other that laid up in my room
chain smoking since that is where I feel almost entitled to
do so.

Seems like when I started it was because my husband uses
chewing tobacco. Which is a nasty disgusting thing. I
hated it. I did not want to kiss him much....bla bla bla.
Using one persons bad habits to justify another persons
bad habit. What a way of life I have created for myself.

It is time to stop it.

And now it that time.

Will it make me feel better?

Well, shit. I fell asleep early last night...before 9:00.
I had a great dream, one of those dreams that you wake up
recalling the colors of the paint on the wall, the smell,
the furniture, the sounds...it was awesome. It was 2:00 am
when I woke up. I had to pee. So, like always I pulled
myself out of bed and carefully place my feet on the floor.
TO my surprise I felt different that usual. Instead of
feeling bloated and swollen with puss through out my
body in pain...my feet did not hurt at all. When I walked
to the bathroom, my legs, my hips and feet felt normal.
Something I have not felt in years....

was I dreaming?

No, I was not. I was awake. My mind was clear. I remembered
the dream in great detail....and I went into the kitchen
to find him still up watching tv....spoke to him a bit
while the coffee brewed.

Was it the smoothies, the juicing finally taking affect
or not having smoked any cigerettes for half a day?

What a difference and I did not care at that time what it
was or why. Could it be people praying for me all around the
world...hoping that I get on the right path so I can
continue to live a more normal active life?

If that is the case,
thank you very much...

something is working...
so I will keep this routine up.

Already made a list to go replenish my supplies from the
store.

Even though it is raining and cold....I still feel good...
feels good to smell that coffee.....feels good to breathe
clearer this morning....

I just feel good....

so much better today....


I think I can do this.

I know I can do this.

I will do this.

Wait and see

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