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2014-12-10 10:11:07 (UTC)

I was just an eclipse for you.

I’ve not wrote in a while because not a lot has really been going on. All my time has been spent working, our hours changed, increasing by an extra 2 hours, they then increased again and moved around a little. We introduced a ‘late’ shift, kind of pointless looking back at it, but what can you do. We’ve returned to normal hours again which is nice, although we’re still working 6 days a week.

I guess that’s what it all comes down to when I think about it. I just don’t have any free time.

I used to be out every night, seeing people, constantly have people getting in touch, living. Now I find myself only being able to see people a few times a month. I need to work on actually having a life again. I need to work on being happy, enjoying my existence...

I tried getting in touch with you. I think it’s been 6 months since I last tried. 6 Months since I’ve spoken to you or heard your voice. It’s painful to think that I’m really never going to see you again. You never get back to me anymore, you just don’t care.

I don’t even know if I’m meant to be sorry for something, I didn’t do anything wrong. Once minute we’re talking about getting back together, the next you’ve just, decided to stop speaking to me. I don’t understand how you can hate me this much.

I keep thinking about us, specific memories that I have, that I miss. I keep checking to see if you’ve been in touch, I wake up hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’ll wake up and today will be the day. Who am I fucking kidding? You clearly hate me for being me.

I’m not going to sort anything out. I already know that I’m too fucked up to even care. All my routines, my plans, my dreams, they’re all fucked up.

I saw RV today, met her for coffee after she finished work. I’m sure the only reason she got in touch and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee was because she had plans later that day and had two hours to kill. I doubt she actually wanted to catch up. She was talking at once point and I did something that I don’t think I’ve ever done before. She was sitting across from me, talking, and I just, stopped listening. I know it sounds bad, but for about ten seconds I just went somewhere else. I don’t even know.

It was nice seeing her, catching up etc, but after I left her and started walking home, I had this depressing feeling run through me, I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because if I wasn’t with you, RV and I would have been together. I chose you and look what I have to show for it.

I don’t believe in love, or God ‘cause he never answered my calls.