Phillip Wilson

Amazingly, I survived my Life
2011-09-30 00:01:04 (UTC)

2000 REVIEW (PART FOUR)

18 May (Thursday), Childersburg, AL

(About 8:49 A.M.) Maybe I'm expecting too much from Voc Rehab: Employment won't be given to me just because I am "handicapped," but I will, in theory anyway, be equal with the "normal" applicants. Of course, a lack of a car and a poor work history was not counted on. Twice Denise Holmes, the employment co-ordinator, lied to me about perspective employers being able to work around my transportation restriction. Why can't Voc Rehab just come out and admit that it can't help me? Fortunately, I have reached such a conclusion independently and will slowly phase out a relationship with Voc Rehab without complaint, filing an appeal, or anything.

(acerca 12:00 noon) Being that I am unable to get with a deaf community, I will make my own: I need to add finger spelling to my list of daily things to do. For if I get in the habit of finger spelling, I will automatically become proficient at it, no matter how sloppy I may be in practice.
Upper-80-degrees (F). Overbearing sun. A breeze is mixing the two, resulting in a hot day.

(acerca 6:51 P.M.) So the question is, should I continue to "follow my Muse," or ignore Her and assume direct control of my life? Is there really a Muse, or has a belief in such led to my current crisis?
And how about Performance: Did I mess up my life by giving it all to Performance? Did I somehow get off track when I gave my life to performing?
Is there a place for Performance after this Mid-life crisis?

19-26 May, Childersburg/Birmingham, AL

(19th, About 7:18 A.M.) As incredible as it is, Anita was the first woman that I ever sexually penetrated. As dull as she was in bed, I terribly miss the physical pleasure that I "discovered." No doubt that another physical relationship will make me totally forget about my Anita-period, but at the moment I can't help but hunger for the bestial gratification that is the fringe benefit of any serious relationship. However, the non-sexual part of the relationship deteriorated to such a point where whatever sexual pleasure I received from the partnership could be better obtained by mast__bation.
Don't spread it around, but I also miss exposing myself nude to Anita's then-six year old daughter. For the young girl enjoyed the display. I epecially have fond memories of when I awoke one morning, the pants portion of my sleep gear having been removed during the night while I slept, and Dominique (the little girl) lying between my legs. The nude game with the young lady had to end, though: It was getting out of hand, and there's no telling where it would have led.

(acerca 11:32 A.M.) One of the so-called "symptons" of autism is denial: One doesn't realize and/or understand that one is "different." Sure, I had always considered myself a stand-out, but not in the way I should have. And now I have years of neglect and abuse to try to correct.

(acerca 7:48 P.M.) And evaluation #3: A required "conference" with Samuel J. Popkin, a Clinical Psychologist located at 2145 14th Avenue, South, in Birmingham. Once again, my "conference" were made official, especially my claim to autism and a learning disorder.
I was driven to the final eramination (I hope) by David. The conference last for about 2 hours and 15 minutes. Then I met Bill and Leslie at the UAB library and came "home."
Now for the final decision . . . But that will be at least next week fothcoming.
It was a warm, clear day in Childersburg as well as Birmingham.
Does honesty pay? I find out soon if I was too blunt in my disability claims.

(20th) About 10:05 A.M.) Ironically, I'm probably the most "well-adjusted," gifted patient that Dr. Popkin ever had a conference with. And that may work against me. The envelope, please . . .
A weekend visitation by Overcast just may open the door for Storm and Rain; as with Disability Determination, such a decision will be forthcoming.

(acerca 4:13 P.M.) I no longer feel that the Past is holding me back. Maybe it was the conference with Dr. Popkin (a Ph. D, not a M.D.) yesterday. But I just went to let the Past drift away, including an enotional bond with my mother. I want a clean break: If it means starting the post Mid-life crisis without the good parts of my past, than so be it.
I juggled clubs for about 42 minutes. What the hell, juggling is a thing from the Past, but maybe It won't betray me.
It is hot out there! Rain may be just what we need to calm Heat!

(acerca 11:58 P.M.) Rain came on in about six ours ago. Will it be around tomorrow?

(21st, About 7:26 A.M.) The Delegates of Rain continued to pour in throughout the night. At times the gathering became riotous and Storm had to be called out. Currently the crowd is peaceful.
For some reason - most likely due to my speech impediment - it has always been important for me to have "fame." My sexual activities resulted from the need: My bare buttock and genitals were sure to make a favorable impression on some female. But the price of this "fame" has "bankrupted" me. And I don't know if I can ever recover.
My mother thinks - most likely from what Joyce has "suggested" - that the reason for my vocal outbursts at her is due to a "medical shortcoming." She will never be able to accept the fact that I no longer will tolerate her offensive, insulting ways at which she tries to dominate me. Hell, I doubt if she is even smart enough to realize that her behavior towards me is offensive and insulting! As Gladys Wilson (aunt) told Linda, Joyce, and I at the funeral of our father, "Some day we will understand" (concerning mother and father, and their relationship - or lack of one). The implication was that the fault was mainly my mother's. Most likely it was: In all probability my father couldn't take anymore of the abuse. Hell, it ws amazing that he was able to put up with it as long as he did!

(acerca 2:10.M.) Phoebus got in from His trip, surprising Rain as It was making love to us. Phoebus pursued Rain, but, once again, Rain was too slippery for Phoebus.
There was no way that I could have continued like I was! I had to be stopped somehow before I self-destructed. Far from being at my lowest point, I was mercifully stopped before I reached that point. Even if I die tonight, the fact that I was able to stop means that my life was a success.

(acerca 5:29 P.M.) It isn't really important which instrument you play: It the playing that counts. I had a familiarity with the flute and the keyboard. Doesn't the satify the humanist definition of a well-rounded individual (to be conversant in more then one musical instrument)?
Don't forget, I am bringing juggling back. It's all the means, not the means to an end. For the end is dependent on way too many external factors.

(22nd, About 12:43 P.M.) In the mid-60's, a movie came out that has since become one of the cult classics of the 20th century: 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. Even though I saw the film several times, I really can't tell you the meaning of it. But in reviewing and catching up on the Humanities by way of Gloria Fiero, I understand that the film is based on "The Odyssey," the ancient epic by Homer. 2001 had no literary birth: It was a cinematic storytelling from the start. Being that the year 2001 is a little over seven months away, I suppose that I should investigate the book that is based on the screenplay before the year arrives. There are many, many literary pieces that I have yet to cover, but I don't think that I should wait until 2002 before studying in detail 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.

(acerca 5:11 P.M.) The Clouds are sp_ced with Blueness in the sky. It is warm, with Coolness stirred in by a gentle breeze. What a pleasant day it is!

(23rd, About 4:36 P.M.) The more I recall how terrible my past has been, the more it seems to overpower me. The fact that, in spite of my so-called clowning talent I never was able to form a business for it.
Do I honestly think that it will be any different in the future? That I will somehow be able to create a business? This type of unrealistic thinking is what got me into this situation in the first place!
No, I must accept that I will not get another chance: I probably had more than most people ever dream of. And I failed to take advantage of them. So why give me another? Why waste another one on me? I would only screw it up!

(acerca 6:23 P.M.) Is it better to have tried and failed, than to not try at all? Is success the attempt, regardless of the outcome? How should the outcome be determined anyway? And by whom? Isn't "successful outcome" a determination each one of us must make?
Autumn is again among us. And It is enjoyable company for a little while. But I hope It doesn't wear out Its welcome.
32 years ago this week I graduated from high school. Maybe if I am allowed only half that many years, I can make up for lost time. Though I doubt if 16 years are enough.

(24th, About 7:33 A.M.) So it's decided: I am not being prepared for a belated career. I am being prepared to endure the continuation of what has always been.

(acerca 3:10 P.M.) The lower-90-degrees (F): A hot day made more uncomfortable by a diligent Phoebus.
Considering that I was an Eagle Scout, I shouldn't be in the shape I am! Along the way, from then until now, I think I know what happened: Ambition was sidetracked to Clowning. It should have been directed towards scholarship.
On the other hand, a clown is not an actor: Clowning is a lifestyle. How was I to know that a true clown would not be "invited" to be a part of the commercial world? A clown could not expect the same kind of "success" as everyone else. And when a clown tries. he or she can only fail. That is succes for a clown.
It's complicated to me, too!

(25th, About 11:49 A.M.) Back in '91 or '92: I presented the "Dead or Alive" clown skit with Jennifer during the Come-in period of Carson & Barnes Circus. At one point, we were both on the ground, and Jennifer would feel my penis with her right hand. Was she inviting me to have sex with her? If so, I was too naive to realize it.
Instead of engaging in normal sex, I satisfied my bestial urges with "dysfunctional" sexual expressions. Maybe if I had sought fulfillment the traditional way, things would have been different. Did I instinctly know the trouble that normal sex can lead to, or did my shyness turn me from a standard practice? Whichever way, I have ended up in worse shape than if I had endure the consequences of "normal" sex!

(acerca 3:04 P.M.) Of course, Jennifer had a son; and that son was almost as bad as Anita's kids. So, instead of worrying about the passed over sexual opportunity, I should be relieved and fortunate that I was spared from a fate that would have been worse than I face now.
Dr. Popkin, that counselor I visited last Friday, didn't seem to think that a lack of a car was any Big Deal. In fact, he stated that driving was dangerous. Whose side was he on, mine or Disability Determination?
More Heat for us, as if we hadn't had enough lately! Unwittingly, Phoebus delivers this largesse from Summer to out door.

(26th, About 7:25 A.M.) Yesterday evening, it was hot, "still," and "closed." It forced the hand of Storm. A brief Rainfall cleared the way for a Light Show, conducted mostly without sound.
This morning is hot, "still," and "closed": Will Storm respond to the "chanting" of the SRO in the sky? Will the holiday concert (Monday is Memorial Day) go off as plan?
My graduate G.P.A. (grade point average) is 3.2, or thereabouts: A 3.2 is not good, most likely not good enough to get me a job. Although we all know that a 3.2 is remarkable for me, and is, indeed, a successful couclusion to graduate school for a person of my "weakness."
It is obvious that I will have to create my own employment. A weak work history, age "handicaps," transportation limitations, horrible G.P.A.: It all won't matter if I can just come up with my own private business. Others have done it, and they didn't have a tenth of the skills that I can call upon. Voc Rehab is not able to help me, so it's all up to me alone. And "alone" is a hard way to go. Believe me, I know from experience: It is virtually impossible to go it "alone."
Steve and Mary Holt chose Mike Riddle for their Best Man instead of me.
My roommate in the summer (?) of 1973 in Tuscaloosa was Norton Christensen (?): I rememaber a situation in particular when he "confided" in someone besides me.
These are just two of the instances of me being slighted. I could tell you more. And not only from the early-1970's . . .

(acerca 3:05 P.M.) A bad morning; but around 10:00 A.M., the March halted. As of yet, the March is still "on hold." Hopefully, R & R will be issued for the entire holiday weekend.

27 May (Saturday), Childersburg, AL

(About 9:00 A.M.) A Clown is not an actor. As a clown, I am not an actor. So it was I who mis-managed my "career" by attempting acting projects.
I am being too hard on myself: My past was not as dysfunctional as I think. Any my present situation is far from unique. Even the educational neglect that I have had to endure isn't an affication that has affected me only.
It's as if the Great Controller subjects mortals to extreme emotional trauma and then keep track of the way people respond!
Success is not overreacting, not becoming a mass murderer.

(acerca 10:24 A.M.) The title of my book that covers my life might well be called "Born to Clown - and Nothing Else!". For it seems that I have done my time: Due to the intensity and "success" of those twelve or so years, it has been decided that it would not be fair if I am allowed to bring such intensity and "success" to another field.

(acerca 6:26 P.M.) In addition to all the photographs and video recordings of my circus stuff, there is the documentation of the performances on television and film, I will leave behind as my life's "work" this journal. It isn't much, but it is a record of nearly every day since August 1975, and Clown Colllege and the 1967 Boy Scout World Jamboree. And that historical documentation in itself will guarentee my success in living! Almost 100,000 recordings! Wow! Damn, if I need to worry about my legacy!
A terribly hot and humid day: No wonder Storm rages!

28 May (Sunday), Childersburg, AL

(About 7:25 A.M.) Why, you are probably asking, do I regret my lack of normal sexual activity in my past: Hell, wasn't there enough real dysfunctions that I bemoan a faut so inconsequencial? Not, however, if the reluctance and naivete are the results of pathological shyness, a condition that, no doubt, affected my career. Most likely, it led to my blindly acepting the attention of Anita, and, as we all know, that almost led to diseaster. (I wish I could say that my salvation was due to my insight, but it was mos-Calculation on the part of Anita and her "ex-"husband that saved me).
So I am victimized by pathological shyness! Is that any excuse to avoid living in spite of the fact that I am being squeezed out of social contacts Success is going on with one's life even if one is not fit for an active role in the world.

(acerca 3:06 P.M.) On the other hand, numerous are the people who have had their lives destroyed by sex.
The day was wetted down early this morning by Rain. Phoebus keeps an occassional "eye" on things, thereby not giving Storm time to gather Its forces. But that could chance.

29 May (Monday), Childersburg, AL

(About 7:26 A.M.) California, Wisconsin, Kansas, Colorado: These are only a few of the places where my sexual dysfunction damn near got me into trouble.
The vast majority of "criminals" don't think of themselves as criminals: But I am - or was, at least - a criminal element. I don't think that I ever admitted such in this journal, but I did engage in criminal activity on numerous occassions while on the road with the circus.
Like most criminals, I look for things to blame: Can I blame my speech impediment! Can I blame my shyness? Neither one should be held accountable, so did I somehow forced each to make me a criminal? Is my criminality pathological? Must I bear most of the responsibility for the shape I am presently in?

(acerca 8:07 A.M.) However, a criminal propensity doesn't necessarily mean that a person is hindered from commercial success. So something else was at play. But what?
Success is realizing and understanding what you really are.

(acerca 3:45 P.M.) Yes, there is a muse: and it was Her who did the clowning for me.
I never effected clowning; and when I did, it was disasterous.
Apparently, I was chosen at random to be Her instrument. As I gain intellectual strength, She realized that all was about over with. But it was great while it lasted.
It is a "cool" upper-80-degrees (F): I say cool, because the lower-90-degrees (F) are scheduled to return. Zephyr is clearing a Cloudless path for Phoebus in hopes of some kind of sinecure from lower-90-degrees (F).
Will I be able to make it without the Muse, though?

30-31 May (Tuesday-Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

(30th, About 7:47 A.M.) I was told I was very talented as a clown-mime, so I will take people's word for it. But I fell far short of the commercial value of my talent: I should have been much more "successful" than I was.
So do I harbor ideas of trying to "redo" what I failed to manage correctly the first time? Even if I had such plans, what makes me think that things would be any better the second time around?
No: It's best if I stay with being a humanities scholar. And whatever energy and "urges" that directed my performance will, hopefully, take over my journal-writing.
Of course, I still keep up an interest in GIGOT: Whether as a performer or humanist has yet to be decided.

(acerca 10:58 A.M.) I must cease and desist: It may not be healthy to accept the blame, even if such is reality. For instance: I think I told you that I modelled in the nude for the next-door neighbor (305 Piney Road in Tallahassee house) Melissa by walking around before an unblinded window. Well, this activity got back to Anita, who brough it up during our final "disagreement." Not that the Melissa thing was the cause of the split-up, but I must assume the blame even though Anita was no doubt "doing it" with her ex-husband.
But the point is, should I accept so much of the blame and responsibility for the dysfunctions of the past? Am I only making things worse by doing so?
No wonder I can't get over this!
This penultimate day of Month V is expectly crafted by Phoebus and Heat. The Frame shows off the creation via well-coordinate Cleaners.

(acerca 11:57 A.M.) It's strange to think that there are other people that are having to deal with the same situation that I am. I wonder how she or he deals with it?

(acerca 1:27 P.M.) Surely it's not as bad as I think it is! If it is, then I see no way out.
Why was it allowed to get this bad, anyway?

(31st, About 7:39 A.M.) Is it common for people, upon reaching a certain age, to view the past as dysfunctional, as having been a mockery of life? For some reason, there is an episode that has haunted me since yesterday afternoon. The details are fuzzy, but the following is what I remember of it: The year was the early-1970's: 1972 or 1973. Although the month has escape my memory, I seem to recall that it happened on a Sunday. The Plaza Theatre (movie house) in Sylacauga was the place. I was on a "date" with Janice, a friend of Joyce's. In fact, Joyce may have been along.
Either BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID or THE STING was being presented.
Back then, I openly smoked, and lit a cigarette to smoke while in the picture show. Management made me conform to the no-smoking policy.
I was pretty bad off, wasn't I? And the "badness" was allowed to continue and get worse. Why? Or like all "losers," am I refusing to accept my responsibility in this horrific lifestyle?
Would you like to hear more? O'kay, but I warn you: You will be shocked and amazed at what happened! You will wonder why I managed to escape the worse of the effects.

(acerca 6:10 P.M.) I am up-to-date with "2001: A Space Odyssey": Now its time to return to the literary source of REBECCA by Daphne Du Maurier. I watch the Masterpiece Theatre's (P.B.S.) production twice, and I want to know more about this classic mystery novel. Besides, the book was only a dime at the booksale at the downtown library.
Month V hands over to Month VI Heat and Humidity: The two don't seem to want to leave this town of the year, and must be watched over so They won't get too much out of hand.

1 June (Thursday), Childersburg, AL

As June 2000 begins Its run, I just want to tell you, Muse, in the event that we go our separate ways, that I appreciate all that You did for me. Even though I am paying a high price for my performing talent, and that I had to sacrifice a "normal" lifestyle for my clowning, I don't regret it. I only wish that I managed the gift a lot better than I did.
The First (1st), which is partnered by Thursday, is decked out in a beautiful cloudless sky and brilliant sunshine.

(acerca 11:07 A.M.) I don't know if the Muse is abandoning me now, but I don't have any regrets for the long relationship I was privilege to enjoy.

(acerca 2:33 P.M.) I wish I would be told one way or another about the "grant." I may have to repeal a "no" decision.
While in Childersburg, AL . . .

2 June (Friday), Childersburg, AL

I wonder if things would have been different if I had been raised by my father! Probably not: I call your attention to the letter that he sent me in 1970: I was living at The Claridge (?) in Birmingham (off Highland Avenue, not far from the old Clark Theatre). The epistle was a criticism of my lifestyle, and of my civil rights activities. In it, my father "yearn" for a return to the cleancut, racist days of my Boy Scout era.
So, no, life with father would have been hell, too.
In other words, I didn't have a chance. Not that it matters anymore.
A hot, clear, sun-drenched second (2nd) of June 2000: I have reached the cause of my mental and emotional "dysfunctional": I had to accept and resign myself to the fact that the remainder of my life will be spent in Childersburg, AL, in "retirement." Voc Rehab won't and/or can't change that fact. Neither will the Employment Office be able to help me out of my dilemna. Disability may ease the pain, but I am still awaiting word on that "grant."
Should I, then, consider my own, independent housing? That may be best for all around.
However, today, Friday, won't be revealing much, if anything.
If I must be a "bum," shouldn't I at least be a successful loser?

(acerca 4:06 P.M.) Still no word on my Disability "grant." Is this protracted wait a good sign, or is it to prepare me for a rejection?

3-5 June (Saturday-Monday), Childersburg, AL

(3rd, About 11:16 A.M.) I wonder if people's negative reaction to me has anything to do with the fact that I smoke cigarettes? Even smokers seem to aviod me because of this indulgence.
Of course, that's way too simple of a reason for the "unpopularity" that I face from other people.

(acerca 11:51 A.M.) Actually I'm living the life I should have been living all along, the life that suits me best. It is a life devoid of pain, which I now realize resulted from social contacts. I use to "resent" being like I was, and tried desperately to exist otherwise. But now I accept this lifestyle, and even look forward to it.
Reading the book "Rebecca" after having viewed the video/film version gives me a focus. This has been missing in my life: A superficial gathering of knowledge had a negative affect on my academic quest. I shouldn't have tried both.
Without a connection to a deaf community, fluency at sign language via independent study is proving a difficult task. The plan was to lose myself in an environment where I would have no choice but to become fluent. But even this "sociolijation" is apparently beyond my reach.
A terribly hot day: in the lower-90-degrees (F). Phoebus glues the heat on us.

(acerca 6:08 P.M.) I have said all along that ambition causes trouble. If only I had been allowed to follow through on this "insight"! Maybe people will leave me alone for now on, and let me live ambition-free.
Although my goal is to know as much as I can: and that itself is ambition. So should I disassociate myself from such an endeavor?

(4th, About 7:35 A.M.) You know how excited I was at coming upon data, and that I was hoping to share it? Come to find out, I had only became acquainted with facts that I should have known years ago! Why did it take me so long to discover the knowledge?
I was playing the card game Clue with Steve and Mary at their house in Birmingham: It was 15 or so years ago, so whatever house it was I won the game. Steve made some comment about "winning doesn't mean intellegence: Look at Phillip!". Was this an "abservation" of my true character, or was it only a "savage" way of Steve protecting his ego? Sometimes I forget that other people are being held "hostage" by personality quirks, also.

(acerca 10:01 A.M.) There's no doubt about it: I got my money's worth when I decided on graduate school. And it's still goes on!
However, I never expected to uneover what I have and what my yet be out there. To tell you the truth, it's kind of scary.
The purpose of Graduate School, is it not, is to get one going along a specfic path. In the humanities, one takes a concentrated look into the make-up of culture. And that includes one own internal "culture."

(acerca 12:24 P.M.) It arrived at last. For days It had been expected. Other areas was visited by It, but around here It was not to be seen.
The entry was heralded by Thunder and Lightning late yesterday evening. Such preliminary fanfare continued this morning. About an hour ago, Rain made It's Entry. It is a popular Waterfull, Drizzle and Mist reaching out for acceptance. After such a long reign by Phoebus and Heat, there appears to be no opposition to Storm.

(5th, About 9:31 A.M.) Due to the size of my penis, I am having to wear tight-fitting underwear at night in order to sleep well: A loose "prick" is not kept under control and must constantly be "re-adjusted." This activity has interfere with sleep.
Rain stayed the night; It is slowly waking up and will either leave or get active. But Overcast is anriously awaiting an order. Its impatience is causing leakage.

(acerca 2:36 P.M.) Did Dr. Golden forget to tell the registrar's office that my MA degree was completed? An e-mail reply to my e-mail inquiry of late last week informed me that there was no record of my graduation. This from the FSU Office of the University Registrar. So I e-mailed Dr. Golden: In spite of the rain, I needed to get a confirmation, or send a message to Dr. Golden, of my degree status. Otherwise I would have stayed home.
Hell, by the time the degree is in my hand, I should, indeed, by "up to par" academically!
And I am still awaiting word on Disability and/or SSI.
Tell me again how much control I have over my life!

6 June (Tuesday), Childersburg, AL

(About 6:34 P.M.) If I didn't know better, I would say that my social inefficiencies were caused by the Muse: Clowning has such a stong hold on me that all this trying to be what I'm not - a scholar - may be an insult and an affront to the Muse. I was used and abused by the Muse, but I doubt if She cares.
Coolness took over the day: I guess it took Rain to drive out Heat. Zephyr stood guard to ensure that Heat would not sneak in.
I surrender: But surely the Muse won't completely forget about me!

7 June (Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

I have yet to accept the fact that the Muse may have played a major part in the break-up! I am a humanist: If a situation is beyond reason, then I don't suppose to accept it. And you must admit, divine interference/influence is definitely beyond reason. But I'm pretty sure that that is what happened: I was relying on marriage to cover an unstable future. Being that the vast majority of marriages are for just such a purpose, a purpose that makes a mockery of marriage, the Muse did a rare direct interference to prevent it. Even the Muse regarded Anita as an unfit companion. And I too was a long way from being ready. For would things have been different had I gotten married? If I think things are bad now, they would have been ten times worse, at least, if I had gone through with my original plan!
On this 7th of June 2000, let me just say this: Be careful what you wish for . . .
Coolness continues the Sleep-Over. And as long as that Intruder is present, Spring has no choice but to submit to Autumn.

(acerca 1:58 P.M.) According to Barbara Reis, I have now been "cleared" for graduation: She claims that an administrative foul-up was preventing the awarding of a MA to me. But if that is so or not, at least I will have the degree officially, whether at the end of this month, or in September.
Obtaining graduate certification is more of a hassle than I thought it would be. And will it serve me? Except for the knowledge and the learning focus, I doubt it.
A 30-minute club juggling practice took over some of my late morning here in Childersburg, AL. Unlike Master's, juggling is under my control. I be stupid to give it up, for no other reason than that.
Month VI's first Wednesday: I may be one step closer to Master's degree, but I still must take care of the Disability/SSI situation. Damn if I can figure out the problem with that!

8 June (Thursday), Childersburg, AL

A prostitute: That is what I was becoming. Not caring if I recognized Her or not, or believed in Her or not, the Muse was having none of it. She saw the plan for what it was: A way to get around Her and gain control of my own life. The Muse has no idea concerning future prospects, but She whats me to be at Her disposal all the time. And whatever presents a danger to that arrangement has to go.

(acerca 2:53 P.M.) I don't know if I can submit to this life from now on. It's not so much that I am trapped in Childersburg, AL: Even New York City would be odious under these concumstances.
Within the next 6-7 months, I need to find a home for my journal. It would be a shame if this document that may one day be of historical value is destroyed.
Maybe I am still suffering the after shocks of the Anita liaison. But, hell, today is June 8. 2000, way past the "mending" period.
It is Thursday: For a while there I thought my dating system had been mis-labelled. But, indeed, today is the eighth, not the nineth. And it most certainity is not Friday! With an almost intolerably lifestyle, can you blame me for wanting to rush things?
The first day of Summer is still more than a week away: It seems that Coolness is exploring that inteval to wrap us in comfortable, energy-saving Arms. Without a doubt Heat and Humidity will shortly make it unliveable, but at least we have ten days or so to "store up" for that "hell."

9 June (Friday), Childersburg, AL

(About 7:15 A.M.) I can't let Anita win: I mustn't destroy myself and allow her prediction to prove correct. This is another major reason for the protracted after-effects of the break-up.
Every day, Past reminds me of more dysfunctions. Its "remarks" are more than I can take. I must have help to control Past; otherwise there is only one solution for me.

(acerca 3:37 P.M.) There is danger in knowing a wide-range of "stuff" on a superficial, sophomoric level: I can tell you from experience. Even though it is probably too late, it is time for me to research and specialize in a few areas.
The upper-80-degrees (F): It's a question of who can get here the quickest, Heat or Rain.

10-11 June (Saturday-Sunday), Childersburg, AL

(10th, About 4:31 P.M.) Month VI is serious now: It is into the double digits.
June 10 (Saturday), 2000: Childersburg, AL - about 4:31 P.M. So this is haw it feels to wait on death! I use to wonder when I saw the aged. But why wait: Why not just get it over with? Shouldn't I have control over something for once?
I am losing interest in study and research. Why good are they anyway They sure didn't serve me when I really could have used them!
Juggle-practice keeps me in good physical shape, but I am deceiving myself if I think that a "come back" is in store for me.
Surviving each day is success.
The vast majority of th data that I am picking up should have been implanted in me years ago. More examples of a mis-managed life!
Heat and Humidity are once again eating away at us. It makes the loss of the protection of Coolness all the more painful.

(11th, About 8:45 A.M.) Methinks that I have finally figured out something: All this time I thought that David was interested in my advise because I am his uncle. But I now believe that his nephewish regard of me is patronization: He is just being kind to a "retarded" relative.
Am I worse off than I realized? Have and are all of my "good" relationships soley based on kindness and sympathy?
If only Leslie and David, and others, had kept records and reactions of dealings with me! My story for future historians won't be complete with just my own, personal, first-hand account and review of my life.
At last: I reserved the transporation voucher for $22.40 yesterday, for the trip to Dr. Turner on May 8. Joyce was my driver, you remember.
The travel pay-back came from the state Department of Education: Why? I fail to see the connection.

(acerca 2:25 P.M.) I even wonder what low-life personage like Claude Baxley thought of me! I can remember an occasion when I was mowing the back yard of mama's house on 5th Avenue, S.W. (Joyce and Claude lived across the street), and I came upon a short stem. Not seeing it, the mower passed over it. The blade was consequently damaged.
How much of my dysfunctional behavior is at fault in the estrangement of my sister Linda? The fact that a blood relative reacts negatively to it, is horrible! But that is a sign of Linda's pathetic mentality.
Success is being able to cope with a bad "hand" of cards.
A hot day: and I mean hot!

12 June (Monday), Childersburg, AL

(About 3:55 P.M.) What do I expect: When one is blessed with the intensity of clowning that I displayed, it demands a sacrifice. It may seem grossly unfair, and an unequal swap, but I don't regret those years, and I would do it again. I may never "perform" again, but I had it once.
Actually, I never did "perform": The problem was when ever I attempted to.
It damn near reached 100-degrees (F) this afternoon! Storm wants to get some "licks" in - equal time, you know.
I have always had a childlike amazement when ever I became acquainted with undiscovered facts. And given that educational institutions didn't do much for me, I was constantly - and continue to do so - coming across unknown data.
Does a childlike enthusiasm for life mean autistism and mental instability? This may be my problem. If so, then such is not bad, but success in whatever form you want to define it.

13-14 June (Tuesday-Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

(13th, About 1:30 P.M.) I am about ready to "break out." I now realize that everyone has a dysfunctional past, that everyone mismanages his or her life. Besides, maybe mine is not as bad as I think.
In any case, I feel as if I have control of my Past: for a while anyway. Does anyone ever have pernament control of his or her Past? I doubt it. It could be that one needs to be tormented a little by Past: Such may be what is behind "creativity."
A hot day, backed recently by Thunder. Nimbus is moving in, but this part of the town is still untouched by Rain.

(14th, About 1:50 P.M.) Rain showed up when I was half-way home. Fortunately, a young nice-looking female that lived in this neighborhood stopped and gave me a ride home.
Phoebus is now back on duty in this stretch of the town, but I don't think Rain has been completely subjugated.
I am finally learning the stuff that should have been "spoon-fed" to me in high school. It is so exciting that I want to share it. But, alas, others already have the data on "file"!

(about 3:44 P.M.) The Year will be damned if summer comes for Her annual visit and the "house" messed up like it is! Year has been yelling Orders most of the afternoon, as it did yesterday evening. Clean-up will be the focus of each day until Summer is officially sworn-in next week.
I am about ready, intellectually, to appear on a T.V. Game Show. It's pitiful that, at 50 years of age, I have only gotten as far as game show intelligence!
The $22.40 travel check for the trip to Dr. Popkin in Birmingham on the sixteenth of May arrived by post this afternoon. Now that both of the travel checks have reached me, how about the Disability and/or SSI "allowance"!

15 June (Thursday), Childersburg, AL

(About 1:30 P.M.) Zephy blows Phoebus out of the sky, but Phoebus comes back. The Heat is also proving to be an abstacle for Storm.
Month VI is on Its second half: Will the Part II bring me more calm and serenity? Maybe, too, it will setle the question of my Career focus, which I still can't seem to establish. Surely I won't head back to the Circus!

(acerca 3:17 P.M.) Zephyr blew in the rain. And Zephyr and Rain are working in concert to pound Heat and Humidity into the ground. Every once in awhile a yell goes up from the cheering squad.

16 June (Friday), Childersburg, AL

(About 1:57 P.M.) Rain and Storm were hard at work most of the morning. Everything should be ready for next week's swearing-in ceremony.
Given all the social dysfunctions I have had, it's a wonder that I have not turned to homicidal mis-behavior. The fact that I haven't makes me a success.

(acerca 2:43 P.M.) A tape recorder has always let me know how other hear my speech. And I never really accepted it. I was in denial, not trusting of the tape recorder.
But being that hearing aids have caused me to upgrade my hearing, and to relearn how to use my auditory sense, the extent of my speech disfluency is uncomfortably and painfully apparent whenever I go hearing aidless. I become aware of how others hear me.
Damn if I will ever try the social attempts that I tried until recently! I have no regrets: Only I wished I have been informed of how I was being patronized!

17 June (Saturday), Childersburg, AL

(Acerca 11:36 A.M.) This volume of my journal opened the day after Storm and Rain "spoke": It closes in like mater. Phoebus and Clear Sky have settled in, but let's not get to hopeful.
I am at the peak of my life. I have always said that my best clowning would come when I was an old man.
The more I review my "career," the more I realize that I didn't come close to running it as I could have: And now it is too late.

(acerca 8:02 P.M.) I was hoping that my situation would have been improved by the time that I ended this volumn of my journal, but I guess am improvement is not meant to be.
Life without hope is not worth living. So I have a choice to make.

(Purchased at "Family Dollar" in Childersburg, AL, for about $1.60, on Friday, June 9, 2000)

18 June (Sunday), Childersburg, AL

Surely Disability/SSI will be in touch with me before I finish this volume of my journal! Must I take action to light a fire under their asses? I had to do such before when dealing with large organizations that claim "time restraints."
My problems is that my cash reserve is rapidly dwindling.
I see no reason that something - anything! - can't be done on my case - by either Social Security or Voc Rehab - in four months! What is the problem anyway? How much leeway should I allow for?

(acerca 11:02 A.M.) I suppose I will have to transfer about $300 from my FSU Credit Union account to my bank up here in Childersburg, AL. There's no telling how long it will be before I hear from Disabiliy/SSI. The Cash Cache is serving another important function: I refuse to allow the slowness of Social Security to effect my emotional stability, as I no doubt it wants to.
Of course, being that my Cash Cache is limited, the Social Security Administration will win in the end.

(acerca 11:40 A.M.) Today is the eighteenth (18th) of June 2000. With each passing day, my "peak" days are chipped away little by little. Too much longer and my chances for a come-back or Second Career will be virtually impossible.
Why turn to the Justice system to speed up Social Security? Why rely on imcompetence to light a fire under the ass of slowness? I will be better off just letting the beaurocracy run its own course!
A sunny, clear, hot Sunday. It is Father's Day: The fact that I was not "treated" to a Father's Day celebration in 1998 by Anita and her kids should have been enough of a "warning" sign. And indeed it was.

(acerca 5:29 P.M.) As we all know, I am trying to "re-invent" myself. And the job is taking much longer than I thought it would. But if you have a past as messed up as mine is, you can well understand the difficulty I face.
It may take me 2-3 years to get straighten out. And thats with determination and patience.
A person is her or his past. Without it, there is no present or future. So, then, just how much of the past, as dysfunctional as it was, do I really want to "straighten out"?
It has been almost six months since I submitted an application to WVTM-TV: Should I give up an attempt to secure a Second Career in broadcasting, or should I keep trying with other stations?

19 June (Monday), Childersburg, AL

(About 6:47 P.M.) I had just arrived "downtown." Then the celestial celebration began: The Light Show was a marvel. Nature's video. A hands-on video: Zephyr choreographed wind to dance to the music. I just knew Rain would show up on this first day of the first Spring of the 21st century. It did here, but not on the other side of town. As if this town is so big!
But it was great being among the "festival." It really gives you a feeling of powerlessness when Nature displays her power.
Phoebus held the day up until Storm arrived: Is there a deal in the works? Did the Two plan it like it developed? Was the Spring closing arranged?
Via e-mail, I was informed that my degree would reach me by the middle of July: 3-4 weeks. Will it though? Will I indeed have closure on my Master's quest?

20 June (Tuesday), Childersburg, AL

(About 9:42 A.M.) Summer moved in early this morning, though this made no difference to Heat and Humidity.
Not consciously, but my self-education has returned to the level of secondary schooling. Being that my high school days were full of educational neglect, and that those years supposed to be when one is launched on a life-long cerebral journey, I just natually, like water seeking its own level, drifted back to that time in hopes of salvaging a little from the shipwreck.

(acerca 6:03 P.M.) Mowing both Joyce's and Leslie's lawns, catching up on my education neglect, juggling, keyboard practice: Is all this worthwhile work? If it is or not, this will be as it will be from here on out. It's not a bad eristance, though, at 50, I had hoped for more.
How long will the "decorations" stay up? Will the first 24-hour day under Summer's control, as with all politicians, be a convenient forgelfutness of pre-swearing-in promises? It was hot, humid, clear, and quite today, but will it be such tomorrow?
Contrary to what Stuart Baker, the professor that I had for a theatre course (tragedy), wrote on a potential outline of a paper that I had planned for that course, there is much material on the use of clowns by William Shakespeare: I am investigating "Twelfth Night," and it's political significance. As I say, there were much weakness to my graduate training: Why would Dr. Baker imply such? Oh, well, now that my academic career is over - at least for a little while - I can concentrate on the Humanities and Theatre Studies, as I originally planned. And no so called "expert" can get in the way.
I should make lot of progress.

21 June (Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

(Acerca 11:02 A.M.) I don't see any chance of me getting with T.V, teaching, or any other "professional" situation: There are too many young, college-trained people out there. The only thing that is available for someone of my age is a minimun wage job. And as for society providing more opportunities for the Old Folk: It will be so that the Old Folk will feel worthy, and will not turn to the job market in order to boost her or his self-esteem.
If this society really and truly was willing to handle a newcomer to a particular field, youth or maturity would be of no concern.
My work history is no worse than someone that has never been in the market place, i.e. the young. So what is the problem?

(4:07 P.M.) Zephyr warns Phoebus of what will be if ever Phoebus forgets the power of Storm. However, Heat and Humidity are being allowed to be "vocal."

22 June (Thursday), Childersburg, AL

(About 7:45 P.M.) I am "semi-retired."
Whatever that means.
I suppose it means that I am awaiting for a Call To Arms: That I am willing and able to come out of retirement for a clowning outlet. For let's face it: Clowning was my "career." Anything else I may do in the future will just be therapy for a senior citizen. No matter the quality of what I do, it will only be viewed as a hobby, a way to fill up my leisure time.
I doubt if clowning will ever seek me out again, but if it does . . .
I attended the viewing of the first insallment of a video history of Vietnam at Central Alabama Community College early this evening. And I was the youngest one of the 6-7 audience members! It seems like the Film Festival is gerontological "daycare" activity: Most of the others were in their 70's.
It appears I got into history way too late in life. Just as I have with most everything else.
So this is how it is to be old! I at least know what to expect if I so choose to undertake it.
A hot sunny day, and a warning from Storm. Our turn will surely come in the next day or two.
By the way, Phoebus' work day in shortened each day until the Winter Solstice in December: Summer Solstice saw to that. But it will be 2-3 months before Phoebus can call it an early day.

23 June (Friday), Childersburg, AL

(About 4:17 P.M.) What did I think would happen: that I would be awarded the Nobel Prize? Damn, I did some horrible sexual perversion: Walking naked in a public park, exposing myself to young girls, etc. Hell, I'm lucky to even be alive!
Children have an innate, "internal" gift for performing. In most cases, a person loses that natural talent as he or she grows older, and must turn to a scientific training in order to recapture the "gift."
Well, that's how I was: We all will agree that I was extremely inmature and trapped in Childersburg for so long. And we would probably agree, too, that my dramatic talent was very powerful when used in the correct vehicle.
But I was not "grown up" enough to apply clowning to a conscience output, i.e. auditions, etc. I am now, though: If only it wasn't too late!
Damn, is it ever hot! No confusing summer today. Or Phoebus with Storm. The former is exceptionally bright.

24 June (Saturday), Childersburg, AL

(About 2:15 P.M.) DDA (Disability Determination Administration) forwarded $50 into my checking account last week. Is this the total "allowance" that I will receive each month? It hardly seems worth it: Fifty dollars a month is insulting, not helpful.
My "handicap" is only deserving of $50 a month, huh?
A terribly hot day today: The brilliancy of Phoebus made the rise of Mercury relatively easy. So easy, in fact, that It didn't stop until somewhere in the lower-90-degrees (F).
It's bad when one cannot even succeed at Disability..

(acerca 3:42 P.M.) It's my own fault: All these years I have been reading and exploring literature via novels instead of acquainting myself with history. God knows, there's books out there!

25-27 June (Sunday-Tuesday), Childersburg, AL

(About 5:31 P.M.) For years and years I shied away from the study of American History because I was afraid that it would turn me into an "American Middle-class," whatever that means: That label carries a negative connotation. So then the fault is all mine for only just now, at 50, getting into history.
A visit by Storm rid the sky of Phoebus and the air of Heat: It was one of those times that Humidity managed to take on a life of Its own. Could it be that that life was at Heat's expense?

(acerca 6:49 P.M.) I just can't get over the fact that "graduate school" has been, and is, entailing so much more than corrective measures for academic and intellectual weaknesses: I am getting the chance to review and fix my broken past. No, that's not what I mean: No one can fix a broken past. What I mean to say is that I am being allowed to do maintenance on the many dysfunctional situations of bygone years, and, before they enter my future, they must present themselves in good order.

(26th, About 6:49 A.M.) Can history ever be more than a hobby for me? I mean, I wll never make my living with history!
But sometimes one is more enthusiastic, more knowledgable about one's hobby than one is about one's "career." Of course, I have no "career," or I should say, all my hobbies are my "career."
Something happened to sour the relationship between Leslie and granny: Leslie told me 3-4 months back that granny chases people away from her, but, at that time, I didn't see the "hint."

(acerca 7:18 A.M.) For my own welfare, I don't think that I should perform anymore. But if I do not, do I risk further "disorientation"?
To return to the history situation: I made a "living," such as it was, from clowning. But it was also my hobby.

(acerca 4:33 P.M.) So what if history is only a hobby for me It is very common for a person to make a better name for her- or himself at her or his avocation (hobby) than with her or his vocation (career).
My current project is researching the Vietnam War. As an anti-war veteran, shouldn't I know what I was against? I should have known years ago!
Phoebus is making the day hot and bright. Without a doubt, Rain is visiting some area; but yesterday was our turn and we may not top the list for 3-4 days.

(27th, About 3:53 P.M.) I was informed by Toni Byrd of Disability Determination via telephone yesterday that my case is still being investigated. Is this a good sign or am I in for another failure?
Another hot and humid summer day. Storm tried to reach the Controls, but Phoebus push It back.
I should have been able to write a report better than I did by the time I got to graduate school. Should I really blame the professors of graduate school? Their job was not to bring me up to par in graduate-level writing: The fault is long ago. I'm sure that those professors of graduate school were amazed that I was even in graduate school!
Formal education has a tendency to stifle creativity: In my case, my creativity was enhanced a thousand-fold. This is why my forced "retirement" hurts: I am only now in shape enough to be my best. It's unfair; but I can let that unfairness get to me. After all, I am far from unique.

28 June (Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

(About 2:32 P.M.) What do you expect: Graduate School, if nothing else, greatly improved my research skills. One would assume that only my intellectual research skills, i.e. academic, were upgraded. But unfortunately, the improvement has been so great that the research skill has overflowed into my personal life and my relation to people and stimule of past years. If only this had occurred a long time ago! Though at least I have been "given" the opportunity: So many people don't.
Still no word from Storm. However, it is not uncommon for Heat and Humidity to intercept mail and not deliver it and/or censor it.

(acerca 5:08 P.M.) Before It cold be stopped, Rain managed to break through. But it wasn't long before the defense team turned the insurgents out. And now, the weakened Central Office could again be vulnerable to a take-over, if the Security Guards are not careful. For Nimbus is still negotiating with the sky, which is dark and gloomy.

29-30 June (Thursday-Friday), Childersburg, AL

(29th, About 2:04 P.M.) I think I have the Tuscaloosa situation figured out: The Center for Public Television was only following the guidelines for working with the disabiled. I was given numerous opportunities to perform, but there was never any intention to let me do anything else.
And I have the feeling that the Center for Public Television submitted a letter of reference to this effect to NBC 13: That I am not able to do anything in T.V. except perform. I doubt if even a Master's degree will be enough to change the opinions of me.
But since I can't do anything about the situation, I might as well stay calm and make the most of my period of leisure, whether it's temporary or pernament.
Rain took over the morning of this penultimate day of Month VI. In Summer's policy of power-sharing, Phoebus has been given control of the afternoon.

(acerca 7:22 P.M.) I had the Florida Child Neglect investigate Anita, and she in turn reported to Law Enforcement that I had a cache of firearms. The relationship was costly to the state of Florida. No wonder we were separated!
For a while, I thought that Nimbus was about to force a take-over from Phoebus. But It didn't, or couldn't.
It is so nice to be able to study and research at my own pace: The VIETNAM: A HISTORY is only an hour a week at the community college - Thursdays at 5:00 P.M. - and I can review without the stress of a deadline or inefficient teaching.

(30th, About 8:03 A.M.) It's one of those days: What a chore I have ahead of me in "re-inventing" myself! But, then, I have always been on such a low plateau, upgrading myself is proving to be relatively simple.
I suspicious of whether Steve and Mary came for a face-to-face visit on their on volition, or were somehow "requsted" to make the contact! Mary was was too friendly, considering her beavior during their Tallahassee visit. And Mary has yet to respond to the e-mail that I sent her 2-3 weeks ago.
Do I "smell" the interference of granny and/or Joyce? Were either or both trying to broaden my social contacts?

(acerca 3:00 P.M.) James Hatcher had every right to criticise my actions!
In the Spring of 1970, I traveled to Venezuela with the Alabama Ballet (the trip cost us; it had been arranged by a South American businessman, father of the lead female dancer, who undoubtedly profitted from the tour). In one of the cities we performed, I attended a nightclub and became drunk. I acted the fool,dancing with a "waitress." In fact, I passed out, and had to be helped preparing for the return to the States.
In a meeting, Mr. Hatcher, the producer of the Ballet, publicly commented on my behavior, stating, to the effect, that I was a disgrace to am American dance troupe and a sorry representative of the United States.
Such was probably the case. But was the fact that the "waitress" was a North American African-American instrumental in the harsh criticism?
Late yesterday evening was pleasantly cool outside: It could have easily been mistaken for a Fall night.
The tug-of-war between Nimbus and Phoebus is still going on this final day of Month VI. Zephyr may well decide it: Like a drawing at random, both Nimbus and Phoebus are being mixed up, and one will be selected. Which one will it be?

1 July (Saturday), Childersburg, AL

(About 10:53 A.M.) It's all about managing one's past: Most people, upon reaching middle age, have pasts that haunts them. Some have pasts as bad, if not worse, than mine.
Crime and anti-social behavior result when the past overwhelms people. For the past can become, if not handled properly, a pressure point and release is obtain only after damage, either to oneself or to other people, is done. So I am more than lucky that I have this "cooling down" period before entering part II of my life. I may be going through pain now, but hopefully I will have my Past on a Leash soon.

(acerca 3:57 P.M.) Maybe I'm taking my past too seriously. Maybe it's only a question of proper management. We all agree that what happened, happened, and can't be change. The more I let the past oppress me, the harder it will be to go forward.
I am trying to separate my "good" past from my "bad" past. Maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe I should just let the entire past, "good" and "bad," remain where It is and not try to use any of it. For is it possible to "pick and choose": Isn't the "good" and the "bad" so intertwined that one can't be called into play without the other?
I can't let my Past destroy me! The Future only has that right.
Month VII - the year is half-done with - opens hot and bright. It also will bring me my degree, another step out of Tallahassee.

2 July (Sunday), Childersburg, AL

(About 7:51 A.M.) It has been said that shyness is pathological: that it is genetically based. Maybe so: But a lot of shyness is self-created. For instance, back in the late-60's, I attended a supper in the basement of the Methodist Church, as part of the choir's activity. I can remember being standoffish and rude. Why? I feel my behavior was directly linked to the fact that I was exposing myself to a female named Kathy Curtis (?) by standing in the door, the door opened, without clothes on, and would, therefore display for her as she was returning to her Minor Terrace home from school.
A catch-22: I would expose myself because of an intense inferiority complex. And I suffered an inferiority complex because of my sexual behavior. There is no doubt in my mine that the inferiority complex interfered with career advancement. But why worry about that now when it's way too late?

(acerca 4:12 P.M.) Last year on this day, the second day of the first weekend of Month VII - it was Independence Day - I was at a motel in Tuscaloosa, AL, for the purpose of taking my Master's comps. But, as we all know, my "independence" wasn't gained: Apparently the Muse didn't think I was ready yet. Maybe, though, my aeademic manumission will happen later this month: My degree, I am told, is forthcoming in 2-3 weeks.
What's a year when one is as bad off as my past has left me?
To illustrate just how bad off I was: While a student at the University of Alabama during the early-70's - 1973 I think - I had braces put on my teeth. For advise as to a good orthodontist, I contacted the student health center. But I did so by post And the health center responded with words to the effect that, "if you can't face us, then . . ." In other words, my shyness was awful!
Truly my sexual perversion and my pathological shyness are related. How exactly did the latter happen? And can I salvage a future?
It is hot! The brilliancy of Phoebus doesn't help matters.

3 July (Monday), Childersburg, AL

(About 7:50 A.M.) While I at it, I may as well investigate the fact that I may be the problem in relationships. This, too, will no doubt be painful, but I may have to face up to it. Otherwise, this period of review and introspection will be in vain: For I may have to work on modifying my relationship skills.

(acerca 12:28 P.M.) There is no relation between the intensity of one's artistic ouput and the misery of one's life. So why am I re-examining my past? Surely I don't believe that the "pain" would be of use to a Come-Back! As Niechtz (?), that German philosopher - however you spell his name - stated, a mime is a great mime because of a great technique and not because he or she has a large collection of bad experiences.
No, graduate school is the culprit in the rewinding of my life's pain. Being that my research skills were tremendously enhanced by Master's, it was inevitaable that I would be led to research my past, allowing me to confront it. Sut, the "reality-check" and the honestly would be of immence value if I ever do start back up a clowning "career," but so will it be of help in whatever I do. For clowning is, or should be, just like a lot of other jobs.
In fact, facing my past head-on, and figuring out what happened, will assist me even in a life of leisure, which will probably be my living-mode from here on out.

(acerca 3:46 P.M.) Likewise with Deah: She is not here i_ prepare me for fatherhood. No, she is her on her own account: To be watched over for her own sake. It was this type of thinking that got me into trouble down in Tallahassee.
One should do the mean as well as one can, to the best of one's ability, and the end will take care of itself. I forget that directive sometimes.
A hot day: Breezy and occasionally submissive to Overcast. But hot, nonetheless.

4 July (Tuesday), Childersburg, AL

(About 11:20 A.M.) Did I ever tell you about my first jail term? It was an overnighter in Tuscaloosa, AL, back in 1973: I was a student at the University of Alabama. Or was in in 1969: If indeed it was the latter, it was for exposing myself to passing females in the "boiler" room of the Speech and Hearing Building. If the former, it was for "Peeping Tom." The former occurred on Homecoming Eve night. I remember passively awaiting the campus police, having been caught for the dorm mother, in the lobby of one on the girl's dorm. It seems that I did the former happened again, but I talked my way out of an arrest. And the latter - the 1969 incident - resulted in psychological counciling at the Student Health Center. In R.O.T.C. at the time, a Bernard Slone (?) came to my dorm room and handed me over to the mental health unit.
Either 1969 or 1973 was my first of three jail terms for sexual perversion. So maybe my present life style is of my own making: I am reaping what I sowed. And I can't change the past in order for the future to be unaffected by it, no matter what I do. Surely death is not my only way out?

(acerca 5:19 P.M.) Jail time #2: The summer of 1974 in Birmingham, AL. I was living on the Southside in an "apartment" that was about 9 feet by fifteen feet. Once again, my crime was exposure: I displayed my penis to a female. I was arrested by a vacant house.
Employed by the then-production center of the Alabama Public Television that was located in Phillips High School, I contracted Dale Lewis, the Studio Supervisor (?) by telephone to bail me out.
You know, I never did repay Dale, not even when I saw him at the Kentuck Fesitval in Northport, AL, in October of 1995, where he had a "booth" and I was a mingling clown-juggler!
Anyway, I want to make sure as much of my past as possible is recorded in the likely event that I won't be around much longer. My graduate training should be used, if for no other purpose, to write my autobiography, using these notes from this and the other volumes of my journal, but I doubt if I will live long enough for such a project. So maybe a relative on down the line - hell, it doesn't have to be a blood relative, even! - will compil a review of my life.
I knew that there was some reason for the frantic rush to get a record of my wasted life on paper!




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