Screened In Porch

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2014-11-09 11:00:32 (UTC)

Just another plan or two...

On the beginning of my ride today, my chest was hurting a little.
I had taken something before leaving the house for heart burn.
Something that I do a lot recently. Most likely from the stress.

It is stressful to live in a life where nothing goes your way....
people that you love and care about continue to let you down...
and disappoint you. My son is always running out of money and
asking for help....my daughter, well you know about that...
big shocker. My husband is just a man who has given up years
ago and will never look forward to anything but what is going
on now. He will see no need to change the nasty chair that he
sits in or that sofa he used as a bed for two years....a sofa
that someone gave us. Did not even have to pay for it. He is
too cheap to pay for anything.....he does not smell the snitch
on that stuff. I never go into that room to sit down because
it is disgusting. I am not a nasty person.

When my kids were little, you could eat off my floors. Everything
was fresh and clean all the time......the yard to manicured...
the kitchen cabinets in order....nothing was ever laying around
to be washed or put away. I am a clean neat organized person.
I know that you must get a new mattress when the one you have
is sagging and stinking. I know that. But he does not. He
is sleeping on the same damn mattress he had on his bed when
he live in his apartment when we met. ANother reason we sleep
in different rooms. He is too stubborn or would you call this
stupid to go buy a decent mattress. I won't even let my granddaughters
go in there to take a nap. I would not let a dog go in there
to nap. Seriously.

There is a big difference between he and I and we have never had
anything in common.

there was a time not too long ago that I ached for some attention...
companionship, but all those days have come and went. I am so
messed up because of him that I would be no good...at all with
someone else. I do not want to date. I do not want to talk
about it....that getting to know one another part....I just do
not desire that stuff right now. I think I would be better
off on my own....although I know that my son may have to
go with me. I dread the worry of him staying here and my
husband killing him just to spite me.

I have managed to carve out somewhat of a life for myself.
I have my own area....here. I was going to move the
desktop in here so I did not have to leave this room much....
I can still do that while I wait to see what is going
to happen. I can go ahead and get a new bed if I make
enough to do that. I can also have the carpet changed in
here....I can do that to make it more healthy....
breathing this nasty air in this room...this house can
not be good......

then I remember those chest pains....today.....finally eased
up after about an hour. I did take a couple of aspirins too.

I am going to have to do something...

either update my own space here.....
put a small frig in here too...

I do not have to wait on updates...I can update my own
space while I save to get the fuck out of here.

I need to do this for my own happiness.

I just wish my son would meet someone and move on...
start his own family. He is causing me feel like I need
to stay near here...in case he does have to live with me.
If he did....he would pay board...because I would need
a larger place to do that and it is the right way to
handle it.

I would want a place with a garage too. That is very
important.

time will tell what happens here or somewhere....

I do not like being accused of nagging. that is
one thing that is not true about me.

I was looking forward to this...and have not said anything
about it much....just waiting for the weather to cool down
since that is what he said he was doing. the weather has
cooled down now....

I thought with him looking at appliances with me....was
a step in the right direction. But no, it was just another
tease.....

another one of his ....maybe later honey......

and later never comes

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