LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2014-11-06 18:10:18 (UTC)

PEOPLE!!!!

NOVEMBER 6, 2014 THURSDAY 5:11 PM


YOU!!! GUYS!!! TODAY WAS A REALLY FUCKING GOOD DAY!!!!

It was an awkward day, honestly, but it was REALLY GOOD.

By the way, this entry is mostly talking about people so if you're looking for something deep and intellectual, you should go somewhere else.

Boys make me dumb. I think about boys and they replace my worried thoughts about the world and I stop being aware. See, so instead of having deep thoughts, I think about boys and how nice-looking they are and it's not good.

BUT ANYWAY. I made an internet friend a couple weeks ago called John and I can text him which I find a lot easier than other modes of communication, such as email and messaging on sites. Also, he lives really close to me, but not in my city.

Anyway, John called me last night and I was nervous and very unprepared. I was not expecting a call, haha. It was nice, though. First of all, his voice is beautiful. It's low and the inflections in his voice are soo nice. I love people. They're adorable creatures.

We talked and it was kinda awkward but THAT'S OKAY because it was still really nice and stuff. Phone calls make me really nervous. I'm not witty and I say, "what??" a lot because I'm too jittery to hear you right. Especially since voices in phones are so small...

He has a forty year old man friend and I am a little jealous because they drive around and smoke weed together (not at the same time... I don't think).

Although, if I had a forty year old man friend, I'd probably worry about rape because I was kinda taught by school that OLD MEN WANT TO TOUCH YOU IN THE NO-NO AREAS.

I wish they would've said it in a different way that didn't make me a little afraid to talk to older men. Sometimes, I even get scared of my dad, but rarely.

OKAY, OKAY.

So today was good and I made friends. A friend from last year, Kat, kinda called me stupid which made me slightly mad because I HATE when people say that.

Look, I'm kinda slow in real life. I misunderstand a lot of things at first, I guess, but I am actually very smart. The people I'm around don't challenge me intellectually but they aren't stupid, either. It kind of annoys me, though, that because of my manner, they take cheap shots at my intelligence. So, in conclusion, fuck you (just a little).

But!!! Yeah. The freshman Olivia is so nice and she's smart and she's read a bunch of the same books that I've read IT'S AMAZING. She's read Catcher In The Rye which is on my list of favorite books, so, yayyy!

Also, I joined another after school activity. It's called Odyssey of the Mind and I am in a group with a fellow Roy G Biv captain, Polaris, a girl who I will call Alexa (in real life, she has the same name as Aaron but that would just be confusing) and Olivia. Also Carrie (I had a fake name for her but I forgot it). I was in the hospital with Carrie.

oh. OH. Also, Blue Eyes and I talked today during lunch. He had in his blue eyes today (they were brown yesterday. Aren't colored contacts cool?).

Our conversation was pretty good and I hope we keep talking because I like him, he's nice and he likes Harry Potter which is VERY IMPORTANT.

I guess I had more to say about our conversation earlier but it's gone now. Oh! He's very chill but also kind of intense. Does that make sense? He was so comfortable with silence and unwavering eye contact. I am the opposite. I hate awkward silence and I can't keep eye contact for very long, depending on who you are.

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DREAMS: I've had lots of vivid dreams lately.

Yesterday night, I had a dream that I was in school at night. In fact, EVERY student was at school and the teachers, too, but we weren't there to go to classes. We were just hanging out there.

I was searching for a class called "All There Is" (maybe a philosophy class??? Or some kind of science??? THE PHILOSOPHY OF SCIENCE???? THE SCIENCE OF PHILOSOPHY???) and the woman who taught it. I kept passing my Drawing & Painting classroom.

Three people were standing by the door and every time I walked by, they just... stared at me and never moved, other than their heads and eyes.

It was Myra and her boyfriend, depressed-hispanic-kid, and Aaron's boyfriend, Tray.

That was weird.

Last night's dream was more like a nightmare. It was okay at some point. Everyone I knew was there. J showed me his toes for some reason and apparently we were friends forever after that.

THE BAD PART WAS that my sister and I were both drowning and I blacked out as someone pulled us out of the water. It was my dad and I woke up and asked my dad if Caroline was alive and he said she was dead.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, EVERYONE WHO DIES IN MY NIGHTMARES ALWAYS DIES IN WATER.

I felt like it was my fault and I was very depressed the entire dream. I didn't know what to do without Caroline. I missed her so much and felt so broken. When I woke up, I was very confused and my mind reminded me that she was alive and I... Well, I felt so... distant.

I don't know. It was strange and sad and I didn't have time to cry over it.




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