jasmine123

rollercoaster
2014-10-25 17:20:06 (UTC)

children scarred

I've lost it. I've lost it, indeed. My mind. I'm going crazy. There's no doubt about it. I recognize how lame my excuses are for getting angry. I know I need treatment. I just can't access it. It would be socially stigmatising to be labeled a mental illness patient. I need medication. I feel debilitated, unable to function, umotivated. I feel irritated by voices, by laughter , by daily life. I want to be alone and isolated but I feel forced to be with others. The kids need me butmI'm destructive. I yell, I hit, I punish, I call names. I'm destroying them and creating future mental illness patients, I know. I just can't cope with everything. I'd like to think im a good mother. I have no social life aside from work. I teach them, I do their homework with them. I supervise their studies. I give them regular baths and clip their nails. I cook the best food for them. I brush their teeth and tell them not to talk to strangers. I'm a perfect mom except when I reach the end of my rope. I get angry. I yell. I call them names. I cuss. I hit. I explode. I tear apart every good motherly thing I have done. Then when the storm is gone, I feel guilty. I cry. I feel remorse. I get depressed. I try to fix things. They forgive me easily but I think they are scarred forever. They love me unconditionally but my love for them is destructive. I want them to be perfect. Im a hard person to please. Everytime I set my mind to change, I fail. I need meditation.




Ad: