My Letter To The World
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2014-10-20 18:38:18 (UTC)

Emotional breakdown.

I sware last night my heart was breaking and screaming.... There aren't any other words tthat came to this writters mind to describe it...
I could not stop sobbing, and i say sobbing because that is what it was it wasn't crying thid was body wracking shuddering sobs that i held in all evening and go home went to my pitch black dark room got the door closed just in time. My back hit my wall behind my door and i slid down to the floor tears flowing mouth open in a silent scream... A scream inside that i couldn't or wouldn't let out.

But the sobs were louder than i antisipated so i grabed my hoodie and Ducked out into the back yard unnoticed by my family.
I crawled onto our trampoline curled into a ball and let the sobs, and tears come, my heart breaking into pieces, screaming with no other way to let it out.

Finally i'm just laying there staring at the sky through the leaves of the trees.
I get up and walk out of the back yard into the front and go up on the deck and sit in one of the chairs, my mom comes out and asks me whats wrong and i sit there for a minute contiplating saying nothing i'm fine i'm just tired.
But i don't i explain two of the things that were bothering me.
Not belonging at the church with the people and the fact that i'm not going to be involved with the youth anymore and thats part of why my heart was breaking.
And then there was dad interrigating me in our way home about the behavior of everyone yesterday and not believing a word i say, questioning my character,
Taking ex drug addics and alcoholics words over mine...
And our conversation just made mom mad she wasn't really listening to me she thought
I was upset and being dramatic. My dad said the samething loudly and was being a jerk.
That started the crying agsin and i stayed outside in the cold long after everyone was inbed i went inside i went to sleep, i didn't dream.
I woke up feeling the same, except today theres an edge of numbness in me i feel wmpty and hollow but not enough to take away the pain.

I'm done.

Dad just tried to talk to me, i tried to talk to him and he won't listen...he won't try, he won't see.

Mom was gone when i woke up, but she texted me and asked if sleep made me feel any better, i said yeah physically sure i don't feel half dead right now with exaustion but emotionally i'm still on the edge.
I feel broken.
The sadness of a million different situations of the past year seemed to hit me last night, i cried for Jay, i cried for Grandpa and his death, i cried for james, for all the crap in the world, for the people who hate me and keep mistreating me, for Levi, for feeling unable, for the pretending to be someone i'm not.
For every sad, mad, emotional thing reacently that i haven't let touch me.
It all came crashing down.

And so i'm sitting here on our swing, the sun burning behind me watching Emma play, which would normally fasinate me or make me happy or smile, but no i'm just numb.
Numb to everything outside of myself because everything inside is still screaming.

Someone reading this may think i am being dramatic, but i'm not i'm being honest and onestly, first off people can think what they want because they can but they don't know the truth.
And second and most importantly is I am not okay.