Screened In Porch

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2014-10-04 19:23:51 (UTC)

To my daughter

I will never forget the day you were born. I had never
experienced so much happiness in my life. I was 20 years
old, and finally had someone who was not only blood related
to me, but the beginning of that family I had always prayed
for started on that day. You were a joy as a child. Everyone
you came in contact with in my life was amazed.

No, we did not start out with your dad. He had already went
back to his ex and did not come around to acknowledge he had
a little girl. That was all on him to live with. I could do
nothing about it. I became the mom, the dad and tried hard
to be everything you needed.

Yes, I was still young and dumb in some aspects of my life.
I had not yet paved out a future for myself. I worked in
textiles or stores. Whatever I could find with only a high
school education. No one had ever encouraged me to do better
in life. My self esteem was low and I had not idea what
my future would hold, but I had hoped like most young single
parents to meet a good man to make every thing right for us.

That did not happen for us. I was too immature and too
unprepared for the men I met. It was hard for me to recognize
the jerks. I thought you and I were a catch, but I learned
the hard way, that most men I met back then were nothing at all.

Yes, we moved a lot. We moved back into my foster mothers
home for that security and home life. You went to church
every Sunday...you were with her a lot while I tried to
hold down two or three jobs. And every now and then, we
would go out into the world and try to make it on our
own once again.

When I met your brothers dad, we finally started that family
that I had always hoped we would. Giving you that little
brother and finally we were in a more stable environment
never to return to my foster mothers home again.

It was not until then that I started trying harder to be
a better mother, a better person. I took classes so I
could get a better job. I did so good, I surprised myself.
I made the best grades in any class I took. Always at the
top of my class. I was so proud of myself. And started
getting luckier with better jobs.

When it did not work out with him, it was now, you me and
your brother on our own again. But I was in a better place.
I tried even harder. But I made mistakes, and I was mislead
that first time when we moved in with M and his little boy.
He provided us with a nice home, but he was not much as a
man. He lied, he talked down to us like we were a charity
case or something. He beat my ass. All that was a learning
experience and once again, we were on our own.

We moved into the projects. Not for long though, because
by then, I had met many people in town that seemed to
love us enough to help us out when things got hard.
We moved into maw Gs house and for the first time,
we had a home, a car, and I had a pretty good job. And
we had finally found a town to stay put in where we
had roots and people who knew us, loved us and encouraged
us.

Since all then, you have grown into a mother yourself with
three beautiful daughters of your own. I have tried to help
you any time you needed it. I have given you a lot of myself,
my money and my time. Not that I minded. I would lay down
my life for you girl, I love you that much.

It was hurtful when I realized that you had my debit card
and was using it with out my knowledge. I would have done
any of those things for you and the girls with no question.

But to learn that this was going on behind my back instead
of asking me....cost me a lot more than the money you took.
It cost me that trust thing I thought we had. It cost me
three or four times more than you took with the extra
charges.....the amount was unbelievable. Not sure why
you thought so little of me to do me this way.

Somewhere along the line, I think you became bitter towards
me because of your dad and that half sister you have that
does not acknowledge you. I could not make him come around
honey. That was his choice. I would have loved that man,
and took care of him till the day he died if he had just
came around. I loved him so much...not just for him, but
for him giving me you. He was part of you...the best part.

I missed him so much and wish he had lived longer than 27 years.
Our lives would have been different because I am sure he would
have been a part of it as he matured himself. I hate you feel
bad about it. I feel bad too but again, I can not be responsible
for the actions of someone else. I did not raise his other
daughter, I had nothing to do with whatever it is that keeps
her away from you. I would have treated her just like you
or him...because she is a part of him, as you are.

I think you hate me now. I feel like you have hated me
for a long time and it just took a while for me to finally
understand it.

Maybe you as a mother feel like I should have stayed home
with you more instead of working or going to school. Maybe
you are now understanding that I was not involved much in
your school as you are now in your girls.

You wish you could understand that you and I are two
different people girl. I was not the same as you are
when you were little. I was so backwards and afraid
that I would say the wrong thing, or wear the wrong
clothes making a bad impression....I was not a good
person to be involved in your classroom or the PTA. I just
felt so inferior. It took many years of life to out grow
that feeling. I did the best I could. And I have tried
hard to continue that but I guess my best is not
good enough for you as now I am feeling more inferior
that ever. I am not good enough to get a call once and
a while. I am not invited to things the girls are involved
in. I have not been inside your home in years. You do not
invite me to anything. I feel that you are embarrassed
by me.

I feel that you are ashamed that I am your mother.
And now, my granddaughters hate me and they are also
ashamed.

I do not understand.

I never will.

As I grow older with more pain each day to bare, I am
finding that I am alone in this world. I feel lucky that
I have my son. Although he does not realize any of this,
I know I can trust him with my life and he would do
anything to help me. He still does not realize the pain
I am in the heartbreak that you are causing me.

I am hoping that one of these days you realize that all
those people in your community who voted you into office,
and all those folks at the school or your neighbors...
your in-laws and others who you spend your time with...

I hope you realize someday that none of them could ever
take the place of your mother. No one not even your
brother could take your place.

I am very hurt inside. And again I feel myself reverting
back to that insecure young woman I was years ago who did
not feel she was worth much.

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