Screened In Porch

Life in general
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2014-09-05 13:31:53 (UTC)

Sept 5th

41 years ago, I gave birth to my daughter. She was the first
real relative that I ever had and I was over the moon happy
about having her in my life. She was as beautiful that day
as she still is today. I am very proud of her.

However, recent events have gave me reason to back off from
her. Even after she used my bank card information
without my permission to do things that I did not agree
too....I let it go. I told her she could have that
camera she is using that I also paid for. Actually I
have only paid for half of it, but I told her it was hers.
In all, it was over 2k.

I am not sure what happened. I am not sure if she is upset
with me about the way I was living my life a few years ago.
Maybe she is upset about my trying to find myself, going
out with my friends and even at one point, reconnecting
with an old spark from our past for a short time. I am
really confused about it.

I posted a happy birthday message last night to her FB page
and she deleted it. It was nothing more than any other
mother would post to their daughters page. Over the moon..

I am not going to mention that I know she deleted it.
I am just going to take that and her recent behavior
as a sign that it is time to back off and stick to
backing off for now until things change between us.

I cannot go through life giving and giving and jumping
every time she calls just to be hurt again. I know I
am not perfect, but I DO NOT deserve this.

Yesterday, for instance, I got so much joy from something
that happened at Dollar General. One, this man walked up
to me at the counter while standing in line to check out
and asked me if I knew where the Vaseline was, I was not
sure how to explain it so I said, follow me, I will help
you find it. We walked right over to it he got it and we
walked back to the line.

In front of me was a young mother who was trying to use
her bank card to buy things while her 3 or 4 year old
daughter stood by her side, she had to keep taking things
out off the counter to see if the remaining items would
be low enough for her to get. She took away several things
before her card finally worked for the transaction.

When I finished my business in there, I walked out to the
parking lot hoping she was still there. She was. She
had already put her daughter in the car seat and was
walking around to the drivers side. I stopped her.

I said, please can I say something to you.....she stopped
and looked at me as I spoke. I told her that I noticed
she was having difficulty inside getting the things she
needed. I told her that reminded me of my days as a
single parent many times that had happened to me. I said
please let me help you today as I feel like I must. I
handed her two 20 dollar bills and said, girl, you go
back in there and get what you need. She resisted for
a moment and I said it would make my day to know that I
had helped you. She softly said Thank You, took the
money and was getting her daughter back out of her car
to return inside as I was leaving. The difference
I felt from helping this woman than helping my daughter
is I felt more love from this complete stranger than I
have felt in years from my own daughter. Who I have helped
with lots of time, money and help.....I can not measure it...

Instead of being grateful, I am pushed away....not included
in a damn thing unless it requires me to take them
shopping or hand over cash. Which most moms do I know...
but most moms are hugged, called, and invited...acknowledged.

Not me. Not by her.

Today was the final straw. I am not going to let this
eat me up. I am going to just let it ride.

I know that I made a difference in someone's life yesterday.
The only thing I asked of that young mother was to pass it
forward someday when she is in a better place....and I
know she really appreciated that jester of kindness.

I am not going to let any of this drag me down.

Instead, I am going to move forward, be the best I
can be and I will continue to be a good person....
I am going to make lots of money. And I am going
to start thinking more about this household....
our future....and how we will be living years from
now when we are both unable to work. I am finally
realizing that one of the kids will not be trustworthy
to handle our affairs....and some legal changes need
to be made.

I trust my son....and my BFF right now with those things.

My heart is not even broken today. I am so used to this
stuff that it is rolling off me like water.

Time will tell.....

I love her to death for sure. But I will not allow
anyone to continue to drag me down.

I am not that strong.