Jaeu

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2014-08-19 12:00:59 (UTC)

Shut the fuck up, she said.

Five hours before my alarm sounds, I'm wide awake wondering why my brain is so complicated. I can't remember the last time I actually slept for longer than 4 hours.

Maybe it's because of the move, maybe I'm not used to living alone? Although I don't think that's got anything to do with it. Like most people, I have a key that locks a door. Once that's locked, strange sounds and the feeling of uncertainty escape me.

No, I know why I'm not sleeping, it's my dreams. My vivid fucking dreams.

I'm not really sure why I'm thinking about you so fucking much, I thought I was over this. For the last week at least, maybe longer, I've woken to the thought of you.

I know I miss you, I know I'm alone and no longer have my 'house mates' to speak to. I understand I'm not really doing anything social at home, which is fine. This is alone time, right? I get to spend the majority of the day speaking to people at work. The little time I spend by myself should not have this much of an impact on me.

I thought about getting in touch with you, or your friend asking if you're okay. Although I honestly don't know what I'd say. I'm pretty sure most of it would be a lie, just so I could speak to you or see you again. I saw a picture of you the other day and you look happy, a work photo I guess, I felt the blood flow through me.

You said shortly after we broke up that I had to let go, that I was holding on like I did with KB. I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I'm not really sure I understand how I'm holding on, or how people don't go through what I'm going through.

I remember BV saying she didn't feel 'that way' for me anymore, but she used to a few years ago. I sat and thought about all the people that are together, or used to be together and are now friends or completely distant from each other.

All of this made me think, how do they do it? How can they do it? With BV, she used to feel something for me but doesn't feel that way anymore right?

How?

I find myself thinking about this so fucking much that my brain hurts. Anyone I've ever had feelings for, I could go 10 years without seeing them or talking to them. Then one day they could re-enter my life and I honestly feel that as soon as I hear their voice, see their face, all the feelings I felt 10 years prior to this engagement, would return.

I don't understand how you can feel one way about someone then never feel that way ever again. I'm sorry if I 'hold on' to my past or something, I just can't stop feeling something for someone based on time.

What an awful way to live.

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