rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-07-24 18:51:39 (UTC)

Choices

I'm a bit frustrated right now, mostly over financial things, but who isn't? it seems like nearly everyone has money problems besides a select few people.


Our AC unit won't turn off and it is eating up power like crazy, I can imagine the bill is going to be out of this world. I've also been growing increasingly frustrated with my sister because she seems to not use logic for a lot of things. For example she keeps a fan on in her room all day but all it is doing is blowing hot air around, not to mention she has a broken window in her room that allows in a lot of heat and cold yet she hasn't made a common sense attempt to even cover the hole yet often complains about her room being too hot or too cold and demanding turning on the AC unit when it eats up about 85 percent of the total bill which often runs 2-400 dollars a month.


I'm trying to lower my stress because I know it's best for my health but it seems like getting away from my family is what I need to do in order to do that. The only issues is that I have nobody, not even friends to turn to for support. This isn't uncommon for someone like me though, that's something I've come to find, which just makes the situation even worst.

Another thing irritating me is this university I'm attending. They sent out a email claiming that the "growth" of the university is causing there to be less parking and they have come out with all these new high crazy rates as well as eliminating a lot of the free parking options people had. They claim all these new fees are to help pay for more parking in the future. Here's the problem though, I've read through multiple sources that their student population is on the decline and that less revenue is going into the school. It looks to me that they are just trying to make up for the fewer seats to fill by charging ridiculous prices for for parking and other ridiculous fees.

Sometimes I just consider stopping attending there and leaving for another school, but right now this place is the most convenient because I'm not sure yet where I want to go or what moves I need to make to be successful. It's very frustrating, I'm sure if I had a better social network I'd have more answers and options. I always get upset when I hear people say they don't want friends because friends and family often open up a lot of doors for you. But I've read in numerous studies that often stigmatized people in the population have the least social ties and connections with others.


The sad thing is that this should be my last semester, but I didn't make the best choices during my first semester there so now I'm two semesters behind. I started there in January 2013 and the degree was supposed to take only 2 years so I should be graduating December 2014 but instead I am two semesters behind and will graduate July 2015. That's only a maybe though.. anything can go wrong between now and July 2015, but hopefully it won't.

Right now I'm just thinking... I'm in the thinking state of my life. I thinking about moving, but the question is where? how will I make it if I move and don't have any social supports? will I end up homeless? or worst, maybe somebodies victim??? I think too much about that but it's often the grim reality of women who don't have people to support them. I worry often about being one of the missing victims that nobody even knows is missing. I worry about a lot of things.


I feel like money would solve all my problems. And I know everyone says that and it turns out that money doesn't solve all of their problems and often times they are just as unhappy or even worst. But not me.. in my case money would solve all my problems, mostly because I know how to use it wisely. That has always been something I pride myself on... but if I end up in a blind then I won't know what to do. Life can be terribly frightening at times.

We had to do an assignment for my class about lifestyle choices and health. We had to use this calculator that calculated your life expectancy.. it's called "living to 100", I got an estimated age of 86, but I don't think the calculator included enough variables to even get a good estimate, if anything I think it was was designed to go easy on people and not scare them by giving them of age of 40 or something. The current U.S. life expectancy is 77, and can be more or less depending on different factors, my parents are in their 60's and I feel indifferent about that. Mostly because I grew up thinking my parents were great and wonderful until my eyes were opened to a lot of things that make me really uncomfortable. I still respect them as people though, I just don't know how to approach them. I don't know if a relationship is possible. I think they want more than I can give.


It's difficult dealing with aging parents. I remember once at my job a elderly woman started talking to me as I was helping her, she told me she was "all messed up" because she had just lost her daughter, I imagine her daughter must of been 50 or 60 years old. I thought it must be terrible to have seen your child through so much and for them to die before you. But I guess memories are what's most important, you never know what life is going to throw you, which is why I sometimes get so upset at people who feel the need to yell and hurt other people because they might be gay as if they are immortal or something.

Many elderly people who come into my job are that way... they often are the only group of people who stop to have a conversation with me. Don't get me wrong though, I've had to learn that just because someone is older doesn't mean that they are sweet and respectful. I use to think that getting old was a reward for those who had lived good lives, but that's not always the case, everyone gets older, some just end up in different circumstances than others. I wonder what kind of circumstance I will end up in...

I'm going to attempt to get up early tomorrow morning to go and get a parking pass. But if I end up not being able to get one I won't fret, my classes are early in the morning to the middle of the afternoon only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This will be a relief in case I get a new job I'll be able to work.


I feel a lot better after writing tonight... I think just getting my problems out helps me to cope and deal with my worries...I still want to connect with others though and maybe that will happen during the coming months..




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