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2014-07-19 11:07:09 (UTC)

Where did you go when I needed you most?

So it's just gone 11:11, makes me feel a little weird every time I see that on a clock thanks to the lyrics from Konstantine. I've not slept in over 24 hours and I don't even know why I can't sleep, probably because it's raining, both outside and in my head.

I'm currently going through some huge changes in my life, or at least they feel huge, you know? I'm sure if I sat here and wrote them all out and actually took everything in I'd be able to shrug my shoulders and just take shit as it comes.

However, I just got a promotion at work, I'm now a Lead Tester. This means I'll be managing and leading a team of 80 with 3 other people. I start on Monday and I can't fucking wait. I'm fucking great at my job and after the short amount of time I've been working here I'm already a lead.

I'm moving house too - alone. I've been living with friends and family pretty much up to now, if you ignore the time period my ex and I moved in together, which I do.

This'll be the first time I'm actually living alone, just me, by myself.

The thought scares me quite a fair bit, but I'm also really fucking excited. The only problem I see is that I'm going to get bored at some point and get depressed.

Oh, thinking about it, that's basically what I do now anyway, right? I guess there's nothing to really worry about.

I'd imagine I'd be able to write more when I live alone. I guess the first few weeks I'll find myself busy as fuck, maybe even months. Working 6 days a week now, so I don't get to do much during the week due to working nights and never really having the motivation to get up and do anything.

I'm not sure if this is an excuse but I feel the reason I don't get up before I'm required to is because everyone I know is either at work or have the same sleeping pattern as me. Kinda makes sense right?


I had to go into town today to hand in the paper work for this new place, hence still being awake. On the walk back from town I noticed a blonde using a cash machine, she reminded me of SB. The next 30 minute walk all I could think about is what would happen if someone grabbed me and it turned out to be SB giving me a hug and being all "Hey! How are you?! It's been too long!" etc.

The problem with this breaks into two points I guess. The first being that I fucking miss her terribly and wish I could have her back, like, now. The second being that I kind of fucking hate her a little bit?

One second you're saying how we'll give it another go and that you still have feelings for me and the next, literally days after, you started ignoring me. You ignored me for like 3 weeks and when you finally answered my phone call, you said you didn't reply because you had nothing to say to me.

You're a massive head fuck that's - believe it or not - fucked my head up. I honestly hope that if I saw you when I walked back home today, I'd of told you to go fuck yourself - unfortunately, I don't think I would have.

I guess thoughts of you have been more frequent lately due to a new girl starting at work, ES. She's basically you. She does the same thing you do with her eyes, she sits fucking next to me and I'm just like, I find myself being drawn towards her, not because she's her, but because she reminds me of you so fucking much.

I'm going to change the format up a bit here. I kinda liked the whole, end in lyrics that have been fucking my head up recently, but I've realised I've already evolved my format by naming people specific initials as oppose to names. I'm not sure when I started this, but fuck it. I was actually going to end with a song name and the artist name, but while I'm sitting here listening to something that depresses me greatly, I guess I've already changed my mind.

I think I've said this before, but one day I'm going to just, send you these entries. I know some of these will hurt you, when I talk about first getting with you and not being over KB. Hell, maybe one day I'll put them in a book and people can read them at my funeral.

Everything about you is a fucking lie.