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2014-06-02 03:40:53 (UTC)

This time I won't bleed.

Here I sit, alone after multiple drinks with some guys who have now left and a house 'guest' downstairs, the guy I'm currently putting up due to his break up and no where to live. It's kind of nice having him here now I'm alone.

My brother who I lived with left for Japan a few days ago, he's there for a year. I ended up finally getting FB due to keeping in touch with him. I know I'm about 10 years late and probably some sort of hipster because of it, but I really didn't want to get it and I never planned on becoming part of it.

Yet here I sit, now part of society, just another face in the crowd, something I never thought I'd become.

Now I've said my goodbyes and sent people on their way, I just wish I could come upstairs and have somewhere to belong, someone to greet with a smile just knowing that now that everyone's gone, I can finally just, be myself, we can finally be ourselves.

I'm bored of lying to people, showing people the fake me, that I'm always happy and don't give a shit. The girl I spelt with, GM, doesn't give a fuck and I'm now just like... I don't want to get emo as fuck but maybe if people knew who I truly felt shit would be different. I really don't know anymore.

The most hurtful thing is, I'd go back to you if we could just turn back the page. I understand why you won't be my friend, I understand you've moved on and all I'll ever be to you from this point on is another human who is your friend, my gender doesn't even matter anymore.

I'm really tired of you trying to do the right thing, to not hurt me, to care about me that I'm sure you do. I just wish you fucking wouldn't because now that my brother's gone who do I fucking have? You're all I've ever had, you're all I've ever known.

I bet you don't even know that he's gone. I bet you don't even care. I tried to tell you this last time, that I just needed to talk to you and this wasn't some master plan to get us back together.

Maybe getting us back together played a part on what I wanted, but right now all I need is someone to talk to, I have no one.

I thought for awhile that GM would be this massive part of my life that I'd slowly get close to and get to know and she'd be this amazing friend I'd hang out with and talk to explaining all my problems to. Apparently people just want me as a fuck toy.

I get why, I mean shit, I did the same thing to GM. The build up to that night though, the week or two or us talking every night after work for like 5 hours straight, I need that.

Now you don't go near me, you don't even fucking look at me. I get you must be feeling weird about it and I get that you're not going to talk to me about it because you're 19. What the fuck was I thinking, fucking 19.

All I fucking want is to come home to you, I just want to get home and hold you in my arms, fall asleep in your arms. I just want you in my arms, I fucking miss you.

With the lights out, I hope you never leave my side.