rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-05-21 19:53:49 (UTC)

Mood for writing

I'm here, but I'm not really in the mood for writing, but I'm forcing myself to do it anyway, mostly because I've lost my devotion for late night writing, I had been spending time talking to an actual person that the need for self discloser had slightly decreased.


Anyway, I'm here now, my mental clarity is a mess so please excuse any misspellings or grammar errors. I have been telling myself I need to exercise more but I haven't been doing it. Well I'll be fair to myself, I did start, but after my first workout session at home my legs were hurting so bad (due to my inactivity) that the next day I just had to rest, and that resting period lasted a few days longer than it was supposed to last. With no one here to motivate me I simply slip into my old habits of a sedentary lifestyle and it's simply not healthy to be as inactive as I am. So I'm going to have to force the motivation out of myself and just do it for my health. I can only imagine with all the stress and cortisol running through my system how much damage I've already done to myself as it is.


I've been thinking about my academic goals and if they are realistic, I was watching a few videos on youtube about how to be successful and I found out that it's not really as easy as it may seem. I think I had this idea that after I got my degree I'd be a lot more desirable to potential employers or that I'd somehow figure things out, but I'm starting to see that it's a very competitive world out here and I'm going to have to put in way more effort than what I'm already putting in. For instance I haven't applied half of what I've learned over the years, and I worry I am loosing ideas and concepts that are key for me to understand and know at all times.


I'm starting to think I need a career in STEM as a safe backup, most jobs and opportunities I've found are in the STEM field but to get that would require a lot more work. I just am unsure now of what to do or what move I should make so that I can be successful. I keep thinking about my "future" making the right decisions now so that I can be better off later, but I don't even know where I'm going now. Just thinking about and seeing other people my age starting families I feel left out, it's very difficult now to have what you want when you see so many other people getting it, and it seems as if little effort is involved. Maybe it's just me, I'm also focusing on working on different aspects about myself that I want to change.


I don't think I wrote about this the last time I wrote, but last Friday was my day to go into work, I was working 6 hours (that's all my hours for the total week) so I was getting ready to go and I start my car up but it wouldn't start, at first I thought it was the battery again which was giving me trouble for a while, but as I continued to try to get it to start I noticed it wasn't the battery. The noise was very dry, like a dry cough. That was when I realized I haven't changed my oil in nearly 8 months or so. I felt terrible, but I needed to get to work, luckily my sister was willing to get up and take me to the store to get some oil, as soon as I put the oil in and started it up it was a big difference. I can't help but to feel really ashamed to not focus on something so major with my car. Oil is the "heart of the engine" and the engine is the heart of the car, I didn't realize how much damage I could of done, loosing my car is the last thing I need right now. So for the rest of this month I'm ok with my oil, but at the beginning of next month I'm going in for a real oil change.


I feel a bit ashamed to think about all the money I have spent this month, especially considering that I've only been working 6 hours a week, my paycheck is going to be devastating. I was going over my finances to see how much I've made this year and it's down by about $50 a month. My monthly income is about $475 and my net income is about $263. I've been trying to find areas where I can cut spending, but the majority of the money is going towards bills. Speaking of bills here's one thing that pisses me off, I was reading a news article about gaming systems and how much energy they consume because they have components that never rest, and here's the thing my sister has 3 gaming systems, 2 of which she keeps plugged in all day, not to mention her mini freezer that she keeps in her room along with a ton of other electronics that she keeps plugged in all day. Oh yea, did I mention she sleeps with her TV on ALL night, as well as the light.


She is a total energy hog and I know she uses about 70 percent of all the electricity in the house, between her gaming systems and running the washer and dryer every week. It's just very frustrating, but at the same time I don't complain as much because our parents are giving us a deal on rent so things could be worst. I just get anxiety thinking about having to survive on my own and finding a place that I can afford someday.


Speaking of my sister, I don't know for sure but I think she is getting serious with Hosan. He had came over to celebrate her birthday with her and bought her a cake and other things. I thought to myself, a good friend may do things like that but he seems to be something more. My sister also got cards and a letter from her criminal boyfriend, he just won't let her go, it's very frustrating too I can tell his pattern of "needing" her is very unhealthy, it's only going to turn out worst when he realizes she is with Hosan. In fact it is starting to turn into a true drama series. He gets out of jail next year, and a lot can happen in a year so only time will tell how this drama unfolds, I will be sure to keep it posted in my writings.


I guess I'm done for now, hopefully I'll get back into the flow of things but I really would like to meet some new people to talk to.


Until next time.





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