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2014-04-08 13:54:44 (UTC)

There is nothing left out of everything we were.

I was told to take some holiday at work recently, due to having too many days to take with crunch hitting soon. I must have spent about 3 to 4 hours basically looking at the calendar for the rest of the year.

I didn't book any, I mean what's the point right? I enjoy going to work, maybe not as much as I used to this time last year, but I still enjoy it. It's not like I don't enjoy it as much as I used to because the jobs changed or not as good, it's just the way I feel that's making it less fun.

I used to love having time off work, now I can't imagine anything worse. I'd work 7 days a week if I could. Anything to stop me having a day off, we all know how my days off go.

I thought maybe the week of my birthday, even the day right? Why? Everyone I know will be at work or on an early the next day. Booking any time off right now is basically a day on my own, a day to think about my life, my feelings and wish I still had you.

I'm getting to a stage now where I don't even want free time before work, where I'd rather get home from work and go straight to sleep. If I wake up before I literally need to start getting ready and leave for work, I stay in bed.

Today I woke up a few hours before I need to start getting ready. So here I am, it's almost 3pm and I have a glass of whiskey next to me, the rest of the bottle of JURA that wasn't quite finished.

I woke up, I have work in 3 hours and yet I'm sitting here, drinking whiskey. I guess it's better to drink this than start getting high, right?

The thought of cutting is securing quite a dominant voice in my head these days. I got home from work and thought about buying some long sleeve tops so I can start again.

I need something, someone, anything. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

How can you say I’ll be alright? What makes you think that I’ll be fine? Baby you have to be completely out of your mind, to think that I could keep you out of mine.