rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-04-07 18:43:27 (UTC)

Disconnected.

I feel like I haven't written in a long time, but I know I have, I just haven't been writing like I use to write, I've been writing more out of habit and routine lately. Things seem to be changing, I'm getting older and I'm still worried about where I'm currently at in life and society. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life and I'm wondering how all the people who have the life I wish I could have got it.


Maybe I'm thinking too much into things...witness girl keeps saying "I'm stuck inside my head too much". I had continued conversioning with her after the last time I wrote about it. But it's slowly starting to dissolve as I see that although I enjoy some of our conversations, I think this is going to end up hurting me more in the end so it's best if I force myself to make a distance.


I've learned a lot of good things about myself though. I know I want to make friends and meet new people, but I never seemed to fit in anywhere and I don't know how to branch out. I wish I was never so insecurely attached as a child, then maybe I could better form relationships with others as an adult.

Classes are coming to an end, I know I at least have one "A", I'm not sure about the math class I'm taking though, I didn't do too well on the last test and so far I have one "B" and one "C", I don't know how many test we have left but I'm guessing it's going to be two, so if I want to make an "A" in the class I'm going to have to make "A's" on both of those test and also make good grades on the homework assignments. I'm going to focus harder and make sure I do that, I don't know if a "C" or "B" will effect my current GPA or not, I really don't need that.

I've also been feeling kind of blue lately. Well firstly I am just now starting to feel better after being sick for a while. It started with these jelly beans that I got from Trader Joe's, I don't know if it was so much the beans or if it was that I didn't wash my hands before I started eating them. Then about 2 days later I made this lasagna meal kit and instead of using beef I used chicken, only because the chicken was on sale and I need to be frugal in certain areas. Well I think that chicken was bad because I got really sick that night and got about 3 hours of sleep, it lasted about 3 days. I got better when I made myself a green juice (spinach, kale, water) and ate some vegan chili. I think some vitamin supplements I've been taking have also been helping boost my immune system as well.


For a minute I thought I might have to visit a doctor, so I'm glad I was able to heal my body on my own instead of paying hundreds of dollars to see a doctor. I really have been lacking self-motivation to do a lot of things that I want to do more of, of instance I want to stretch and exercise more, I also want to put in more job applications and be more diligent with my job search...if only I had someone by my side to help give me the motivation that I need, I wish I could find it in myself but it's like I give up for some reason.

I'm so glad to be living more minimally now, I think in the next few months I will continue to get rid of things that I don't use or need. I think a lot of people would say I have so little as it is, especially compared to my sister, not only is her room filled with things but she has also taken up much of the back closet, her closet, and our guest room with her stuff, mostly clothes. But I will admit she does have a lot of neat stuff as well, she has things that seem to have a meaning or story behind it, for instance the lamp that her friend Hosan gave her, I think that's really special. All I can say about my lamp is that I got it on clearance at a good price because it had a dent in it. She also has things from places she's been and things she has seen... my life it's near as exciting. A majority of my life is spent in my home, I guess you could say I shelter myself.

I do want a change in my life...maybe she is that friend that I've been seeking, but my ego and embarrassment is getting in the way, I don't want to appear too needy, although I am. It almost makes me want to cry.

But I won't be depressing right now! one thing I have learned from watching different vloggers on Youtube (especially, itsjudyslife) is that they don't talk about too many sad and depressing things and if they do they keep it short and insightful. They show their respect and concern for terrible events and depressing news but they don't allow it to take over their happiness. I've allowed a lot of depressing things to take over my happiness. I think it's because I never have people around me to help me filter that stuff out and allow me to bounce back, instead I hold all the pain in the world inside of me.


One of the greatest things I've gotten from talking to witness girl is to be able to see myself through her. This is like the self-concept that I was talking about when I mentioned it from my communications class, our self-concept is often shaped by people around us. For a long time I've never been able to "see" myself because I've always been the only one, when you talk and engage with others you learn a lot about yourself.

I'm slowly trying to learn how to have a balance. I don't want to ignore all the pain and suffering going on it the world but I don't want to allow it to consume my entire life, like people have told me before, "I don't own all the world's problems", even though sometimes it feels like I do. I don't understand why I feel like it's up to me to save the entire world from all things evil, I just feel like everyone needs to be happy and I have to do it. I've started to better understand that I'm what they call a "highly sensitive person", the more I understand it the more I can learn to modify my behavior (CBT) so that I can improve myself.


As I get older and see other adults my age and older I feel embarrassed and wonder if I will ever reach that level of maturity, I want to get away from my 14 year old self and mature. The other day at work I was helping a customer and he had a little boy with him about the age of 3 or 4 who kept asking a ton of questions, I'm not very good at being animated with children and I answered some of his questions very plainly as if I was talking to an adult. I know I'm not good at interacting with children because I don't have any experience with them, most of my life I've been the youngest and I've never had any major responsibilities over children. Very small babies are easy to entertain because they laugh at nearly everything but when kids get older they have more expectations and need more social guidance but at a child-like level. All the child development stuff I've read doesn't teach you out to best interact with children.

I can only hope my life will improve as time goes on. I've been working on being funnier.. I've made more of an effort to make sure when I'm interacting with someone to try and make them laugh at least once, especially if I bring up a depressing topic, this is the balance I'm hoping to start more in my conversations with people (and in my writing). A positive reenforcement would be people actually laughing when I say something funny and not laughing at me when I do something funny that is completely unintentional. I also need to expand my vocabulary. I use too many simple sentences and it's not because I can't learn, I just don't put in effort to improve and grow my vocabulary and grammar.


I'm so glad I at least know myself a lot better then I did 7 years ago, getting an education has helped that a lot even though it may not be a state-of-the-art education. I'm wondering where I'm going to be in the next 5 years, a part of me doesn't even want to think about it. I'm still worried about my sisters criminal boyfriend coming around and stirring up trouble when his term is up. I just know that a lot of bad things happen to people and I worry I may be one of those victims one day, it's one of the scariest thoughts.

I wish life were easier, and the sad thing is that I know I have it easy compared to some others, but that doesn't mean I don't still struggle myself. I saw a beautiful woman at my job the other day, she appeared to have everything I want, she was tall, pretty, and had an attractive boyfriend/husband (well I'm only assuming he was her boyfriend), but she was walking with a walking stick, I couldn't tell if she was completely blind or partially blind, she appeared to have some sight, but she still seemed so perfect in my eyes and I still felt like such a flawed person. It was kind of hard to see her standing there silently looking straight forward and listening to what was going on around her. I wanted to cry. I have to stop being so sensitive.


I really don't have a joke to tell right now. I wish I did. I have seen some really funny memes online lately but I can't share them here.


Anyway, I think I'm going to start trying to go to sleep around 9:30pm from now on..I wake up feeling a lot more refreshed and I like that feeling. I still have a job, but I've been worrying about how others see my job performance at work, I just don't know if I'm cut out for this, and I don't know what else I can do...




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