rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-03-22 09:10:05 (UTC)

Happy for her

So it's Saturday and I really don't know what to do with my day off, it's a little after 10am and I'm just so lost on what to do with my time so I thought I'd come write.


My sister just went off with her friend/boyfriend Hosan. As he was sitting in our drive way in his Toyota Prius I was thinking about how happy I am for my sister to find a friend like him. In the past I've come here and written about how I felt about her choices in friends and how I felt a majority of them were using her and playing on her gullibility. Hosan has been the first friend I've ever seen her have who was actually doing stuff for her and making her happy, he also enjoys playing video games and is into anime like she is. I only wish she could of met him before her other high crime boyfriend.


I was also thinking about my new "keep knocking" philosophy which derived from my time getting to know witness girl. I keep hoping someday I'll find a friend who enjoys doing the things I enjoy doing and who can understand me, but I think my biggest problem is that I don't continue to search and seek out anyone, I keep my problems and issues to myself and it has left me completely miserable.


No matter how I see witness girl's unwavering dedication to her faith what I really admire is the dedication in itself, even if some of her views and opinions really upset me. You have to be dedicated to something and you have to keep knocking. The other day I got the most random idea to make a short documentary/film about her dedication to what she does along side her flaws and short comings and how they kind of balance out.


I've been kind of thinking about how the next few weeks will play out, especially at work, lately people have been speaking to me and asking me things outside of the ordinary and I know somethings about to happy, I don't know if it will be good or bad I just know somethings not right.

I also wonder about life and death in the next few weeks. I have started to organize my life for the event of sudden death, mostly because I've started to embrace the fact that death will come and it might be untimely. But I've also been wondering / hoping that sometime in-between that time I may find someone really special like my sister has found in Hosan. I saw on facebook a girl who was in one of my old Spanish classes has recently gotten engaged, she's only 21 but has already embarked on a journey that I've yet to even conceptualize, it's just proof that age is relative to experience and I don't have much shame in knowing that there are people much younger then me who are advanced in maturity in comparison to me. Maybe one day I'll find my balance, who knows.


I've also been thinking about my writing and how I don't share it with anyone. In my conversations with witness girl I questioned why she would write but keep it to herself, but I really should ask myself that question, I think I answered it years ago but I've forgotten the answer.


I'm glad this entry has been slightly positive, I've been on a negative slope lately, I've been wanting to be more positive lately but I always go astray somewhere, for instance when my dog finally got out of the vet I wanted to send a thank you card to show my gratitude for her saving my dogs life, but I was very disgruntled about the cost of everything and that got in the way of me showing any gratitude.

In one of my future entries I plan on writing a "Dear Birth Mother" entry in which I address to my birth mother how I feel in regards to this situation I was born into, I don't have any intention of her ever reading it and I really think she could care less. I was inspired to do it because of a AD I saw in the newspaper the other day that detailed some recent changes in the law that will allow adoptees to contact their birth families. I don't want to contact my birth mother but I do want the details of my case and any medical records/ evaluations they may have on file, I will be getting in contact with them to see what information I will be able to obtain.

I just need to find something to do with my life.




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