rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-03-01 22:59:26 (UTC)

4 years!

So today makes it official, it's been 4 years since I've been at my current job, I never expected to work there this long. I'm not writing this in celebration, in fact today was one of the worst days I've had there in a while. In fact I've worked there for 4 years now and I think I've hated every single year with a few "good times" in between.


One might wonder why I continue to work there if I dislike it so much, well the answer is complex but what it really comes down to is I need the money and haven't been able to find any other work. Plus working there has been convenient, mostly because I can change my work schedule in accordance to my class schedule which gives me a lot of flexibility.


I really do want another job though, I'm just ready to move on... I'm ready to find a group of people like me who I can relate to. I'm ready for changes. It has been 4 years too long and what makes things worst is that I didn't even finish school completely during that time.


My anxiety is real high, mostly because I floated in dangerous territories...I was reading today about some people who had a lot of potential but their lives were cut short, not because of a accident or anything like that, but stress and bad health choices, but mostly stress. I'm a high stress individual and right now I'm overly stressed. I have a lot of things running through my mind and I'm honestly a little hurt to even write about them.


I basically fell for someone...but the feeling wasn't returned.. I guess this happens to millions of people so it's not that I feel alone. I just worry about never finding someone special to be with. I read in the paper yesterday about a young guy (just a year younger then me) who died "suddenly and unexpectedly" they didn't explain the details.. like if it was a car accident or a heart attack..etc..he didn't have any children and wasn't married.


It makes me wonder if I deserve anything better in life. I mean there are people in this world who are born in the most horrible conditions and to make matters worst they have to endure abuse and exploitation. I feel like I should be thankful for simply not being physically tortured everyday until I die. Sometimes the emotional torture is worst in my opinion.. it's like a slow lonely death.

I think the biggest reason I advocate for abortion is because my life is truly miserable, and I know it could be worst, but worst would be completely inhumane on every level. I wouldn't wish for anyone to have been born the way I was born. I'm ridiculously unhappy.

At the same time I know that I'm the only one that can change my life around, I've learned that most people don't want to be bothered with other people's problems, people in general seek out happiness in other people. I'll never understand why my mind seems to be so wide open and accepting while others seem to be closed to certain ideas.


How did I become this way?


I was just thinking about how I've learned over the years to think for myself, but not only to think for myself but to think critically and with an open mind. At one point Transsexualism frightened me...I didn't like the thought or idea, I had a lot of negative feelings about it. And I really see the way I felt about Transsexualism can be the same way other people feel about other issues... I mean everything from poverty to homosexuality..abortion... and even very small issues and disagreements. I learned how to think with an open mind despite living in a place were I'm told to be like everyone else.

I really don't know why I feel like I'm so different from everyone else. Everything I've learned came from other people.. but I've realized that I took only bits and pieces, I haven't taken any whole thoughts from any one source. I took only bits and pieces and made it into my own art form and I guess that's what makes it unique to me.

I think right now I'm just feeling really upset over this person, mostly because I had expectations, that's why I'm rambling right now, so thing's won't be very coherent. I've got to learn to not have expectations and to just let things go.. but I really wanted this... have you ever wanted something so bad?


I really hate having to decode things...I just want to run away to a perfect world, it just feels like it's too much for one person to change, but what is it that I want to change? everything. I want to change everything. There really is no one single leader who has changed everything. Some people have risen to greatness but the only reason we remember them is because we decide to keep their names in the history books, anyone could be easily erased and with the next generation they will be none the wiser.


I see now why people move, they just want to find happiness, I think that's what we're all really searching for, I think this is why we avoid sad people... we just want to forget about anything sad and depressing.


I have this love song in my head and it really isn't helping my mood right now..however my anxiety has gone down a bit.

Although this was a very negative experience (along with my current job) I feel I'm going to rise above it. I'm going to learn from it and I'm going to grow from it. In the next few weeks I may feel high anxiety and low points but I'm going to do what I can to survive... that's really what life is, everyday you must survive.





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