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2014-02-17 08:54:12 (UTC)

Am I losing you?

I'm starting to think I won't meet someone, that I'm going to be stuck in this never ending phase where I want to move on and meet someone, but this movie like bullshit won't let me.

I'm going to text SB later tonight, telling her I can't be her friend, I don't want to but I think I need to. I'm never going to get over her while we're still talking. Even though we're not talking... I really don't understand why either, we were meant to be going away to Spain together in a month, until I told her that I'd want my arms around her, that I'd want to hold her in bed.

Apparently telling your 'friend' that you miss them and want them in your bed makes the whole being 'friends' difficult. I didn't think I felt this strongly about you, but seeing your face, hearing your voice, thinking about our flat and our cat, Treacle, I miss it all, I miss you.

I really don't want to say goodbye to her, it makes me so unhappy even thinking about my life without her. I guess this is my being an adult, taking responsibilities for our futures, removing the hurt and bullshit that I clearly fucking cause.

I used to think it was so hard to find someone. Now I think it's impossible to meet someone who feels the same.

The thought of dying still keeps me awake at night, I'm still so lonely in a room full of friends. The fuck am I doing anymore?

Your picture still remains, I wonder if you're still the same.