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2014-02-11 18:59:26 (UTC)

You still won't believe me, but they're the days I felt alive.

I always try and come back to writing here, making it part of my daily, if not weekly life. I guess I'm not as unhappy or depressed as I'd sometimes like to think I am. Although today is one of them days, so here I am.

I spoke to my ex more since I last wrote, we talked about our feelings and decided we'd try and see each other every week and slowly transition into dating.

Can you guess what happened? Yeah, so that went to shit. She hasn't changed, she started going inside her head again and saying all this shit that literally came straight out of our relationship.

Even though we both said we wanted to be together and try again, she didn't want to? Because she needs to sort her shit out first?

Getting fucking sick of this to be honest.

There was this other bird that I was meant to go on a date with who a guy from work knows. He said she never gives her number out, so there's me feeling pretty good about the whole thing. I mean, why wouldn't I, right?

Well, we were meant to get a coffee like 3 times now and she's ended up cancelling every time. Why give me your fucking number if you're not going to be fucking bothered. Apparently she's been busy or something, you know, 'cause me working every fucking day isn't busy, apparently.

I ended up feeling so shit when I got home from work this morning that I got fucking stoned and started watching the o.c again. I know right? Of all the things.

I think the reason why I've started watching it again is because it depresses the shit out of me, it's everything I want right now.

I've thought about cutting a lot lately too, I know I don't want to. I mean, I certainly don't want to go down that path again, not to mention I normally wear short sleeve tops or vests at work. As soon as people see the signs it'll just get weird.

I remember when I worked for a shithole, I used to just go in with my wrists clearly on display, where I've clearly been cutting. I was so unhappy because of you.

I guess on the up side, I've got today off work so I can wake up at a specific hour as I'm due for another tattoo tomorrow. If I didn't book today off, I'd of got literally no sleep and I'd of been up for 30 odd hours. Think I'd rather recharge.

I'm finally getting my left sleeve done, about 80% of it, anyway. It's been so long since I got my first tattoo. Well, I say that, it's been like 6 years. So much has changed since then, but I kind of feel like I'm exactly the same.

This year was meant to be better. Same as it always fucking is.

If I said I was sorry, would you believe in me? If I did what I promised, would you still love me? If I said I was changing, would you give me a chance?