rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-01-17 20:04:41 (UTC)

Someones shoes.

So I wanted to come and write about my major (psychology) and detail why I am choosing to stick with it, why I'm interested in it and all the issues I've found within choosing psychology and my experiences. But I'm going to save that topic for later.

Today as I was leaving work a guy I work with named Eric was coming in and as he was coming in he said "hey, what's going on" to one of the other guys who works there. He said it in a very friendly confident way.. I don't want to say that Eric isn't very confident, but he has not been the type of person to really become the center of attention, and sometimes he seems to be in his own world and I wonder if he wants to be bothered.


Anyway... when he said that I was able to visualize myself.. kind of in his position. I thought it could be possible he could like someone at work but in a secret manner. I thought about how I have liked and currently like someone in secret but I never say anything, but what's worst is that I like other women, I saw how it can look through someone else's eyes and I felt ashamed to feel the way I do... it just doesn't seem normal..

Anyway, that wasn't as well written as I would of liked for it to be, I don't really think I got my point across as I wanted to. But the basis behind my experience is that I felt shame for being attracted to other women and I thought about how uncomfortable they might be if I ever tired to express that. Which is why I really dislike my attractions...

Anyway, who even knows how much longer I'll be working there, lately my interactions with customers haven't been the best, it's not that I'm rude or anything but I just don't know everything that I need to know. It really is hurting my performance in sales. I either have to improve or find another job, I've been wanting to find another job but haven't had much luck, plus I'm still stuck in my comfort zone.

Here's a bit of disappointing news, half the month is already over and I haven't had a January person for my "getting to know 1 new person a month" goal. It's kind of sad that I cannot even have a extended interaction with at least 1 person a month.. but I think more then anything it shows how little I leave my house and interact with different people on a daily basis.


I think 1 person a month is a pretty reasonable goal, but I'm starting to think maybe I should of started with 1 person a year instead. The sad thing is that it's not even as if my goal is to make a new friend, I simply want to have a conversation, get to know a little about them, their ideas, thoughts and opinions. I'm doing this to help myself become less self-centered. I focus too much on myself, my own thoughts, and my own opinions. I think this is why I get so upset when I have to work in groups or why I have a hard time accepting other peoples opinions and advice.


I still have two weeks to work on this, but only 5 of those days will I be at work and 6 of those days I will be in class. Class doesn't really work mostly because for the majority of the class we just sit and listen to the teacher so there isn't much time for me to have a conversation with someone. I have a much better chance at work but I'm not good at starting conversations.

Well.. I'll see what happens.. hopefully I can do this, I just need to put in more effort. This has become a real serious problem especially after my last melt down.





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