rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-01-15 21:15:10 (UTC)

Guilt trip

So I don't really know what's going on with my sister, you would imagine that we would be a lot closer considering that we've known each other our entire lives, she's actually the only person on earth who has known me my entire life, but even she really doesn't know me.


I want to share a quote now that I found online recently that fits todays entry:

"Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life" - the quote has an unknown source.


Today after my sister left for work I came out my room and noticed she left her room door open, I was a bit annoyed by that because her room is a complete mess and I don't know why she doesn't organize better or try to be more neat. Anyway, I noticed she's still writing and receiving letters from her jailed boyfriend, but I also noticed tons of beer cans and alcohol laying around. If I've ever been ambiguous in my writings here I can tell you there is one topic I have had great stability in and that is my hate for alcohol. I hate seeing beer cans or alcoholic beverages, I hate anything that has to do with drinking.


Seeing all these cans and liquor in my sisters room made me wonder what's going on with her. I don't think she understands how predisposition works. I wondered if the cans came from her friends who often come and leave their junk then my sister has stuff laying around for months. Or is it possible she's been getting drunk every night. I don't understand why she drinks when it was alcohol that nearly ruined our lives. I don't think she understands what FASD is all about nor do I think she would believe she had it if I told her.


I began to wonder if my sister might become an alcoholic like our birth mother, but I also felt guilt for not knowing her well enough to have an open conversation about things. What's worst is that I don't understand why it's so hard for me to open up to her about things. Should I just accept that this is just how our relationship will always be? or should I try harder? My entire family has never been good with relationships and I think a lot of that has spilled onto us.


For example, remember that aunt who died last year? well she has a daughter, and they were real close. Now her daughter is having a lot of problems and refuses to see or live with her dad. My aunt and her two sisters were really close. They could be doing more to help her daughter cope with her moms passing... even when her mom was alive they could of done a little more to bring the family together.

Anyway, like I was saying, my family isn't the greatest at relationships. Or maybe I should say at showing emotions... or maybe I'm just over emotional..


I really don't know what I'm going to do about my sister, it's not like I've never tired to help her, I've given her numerous advice on things she can do to help herself, I've even been working harder at trying not to "change" her like I often do. I wish she could be more organized and focused, she has a ton of junk that she holds onto instead of cleaning up and clearing out. When we first moved in she filled the extra room we have with a bunch of her junk thrown everywhere. I bet had I never continued to complain about it that room would still be a mess.


Anyway, it's not just her organization skills, it's a bunch of things, but the worst by far are her dating habits. I'm not a fan of criminals. If I ruled then crime would come with much harsher sentences.

I want to reflect back on that quote I just wrote really quickly though. When I read that quote I thought about everyone I come in contact with, who do you really know? then I thought about myself.. the person I try to be (my public self) who is very polite, considerate, and kind. Then there is (my private self) which is how I try to really hide how factitious I can be, I also do (judge) sometimes but that's another entry. Then there is (my secrete self) which I reveal a lot in my writing, I'd feel embarrassed if the people I write about knew how bad I wanted to befriend or date them. But I've also learned that things I do that I often consider odd are very common among other people as well.


For instance I mentioned Alisa and how I wanted to befriend her, but at the same time I feel embarrassed for various reason to feel I need a friendship and struggling to make that materialize. But there are many other people who want friendships or relationships to develop with someone but it never happens because they are held back by their own feelings and emotions.. maybe they don't want to come across as too desperate. People often don't like needy and desperate people... often because they feel the need to live up to a certain expectation that's unrealistic.


In a lot of my desires for friendships or relationships with other people I often built up unrealistic expectations about how they might be or what I could gain or lose from the relationship, people don't like that kind of pressure.. and I've learned that my biggest error when trying to start a relationship with someone is that I have too many expectations, fears, worries and doubt... I've tried to get better at going into new situations with a "blank mind" but my brain starts building up all these thoughts of what could be and it just goes from there.

Anyway... I've gotten a lot better at lowering my expectations.

So far classes are starting to get off the ground, I finally got my books ordered... I ended up getting the older editions then the newer editions that the teacher wanted us to get...basically they write a huge book and every 2 years or so they update it with "new" information (I've found that most of the updating deals with cultural references). The books I'm going to be using have the same core concepts as the updated version but without all the new data. I'll manage a way to be successful in the course though. The biggest difference is in pricing.. the new books would of cost me over $250 just for two (ebooks and rentals) if I would of got them new (hardcopy) it would of been well over $400


The teachers have been slow at responding to emails, but then again that shows my problem again, I have too many expectations of how things should go.


I'm going to end this because my battery is getting low, I don't know if it's just age or some other issue but the battery has been loosing charge quicker then usual. I'll look into it because I tend to fix everything myself.






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