rainy

My heart in a knot
2014-01-06 21:52:58 (UTC)

Classes, blah

So classes start this Friday, the 10th, I haven't prepared or even feel the slightest bit of anticipation, I think this low quality school has just taken any excitement that I once had and just killed it.


I don't want that to sound like I don't still have a love for learning, because my love for learning is still intact, I've come to understand that the majority of what I learn comes from my own desire to know then from any institution. What really makes me upset is just the lack of resources like hands on learning and experimentation of concepts and ideas, that would help me more then anything.


You might wonder why I put up with this school since I've been complaining so much about it but the truth is that right now this is the most convenient thing for me, it's very close to where I live and my rent is really low, plus with my past grades and lack of motivation it wasn't likely that I was going to get into a better school and even if I did it would of been one out of my current city because of the few universities here the one I'm attending is one of the low quality ones, however it is still accredited and recognized by the higher level universities in the area, so if I keep my grades up here then that might increase my chances of getting into a much better university for graduate school.


Hopefully I can get things moving for me this year, I read a quote today that said "Old ways, won't open new doors." it's a very simple quote but holds a significant meaning. I have to start making some changes, I can't sit back and let things just pass me by like I did last year, I have to at least try to make a new opportunity for myself.


I discovered today that my sister is still actively talking to her career criminal boyfriend, he is continuing to feed her a bunch of crap as well and she is just eating it all up. But you know what? I'm just going to have to do what I have to do, even if that means moving in the next year or so. I've been considering it for a while now, moving to another state or possibly another country, I just need a change to happen in my life... lately on my way to work I've been noticing all the funeral homes I've been passing and I see how sad and rundown they look, then I realized that if I die here that's where I'm going, to be stuffed with newspaper by some low paid workers who could careless about me.


I like my home city but I didn't discover the poverty and demographics here until after I moved out, now I'm starting to wonder what else is out there? I'm afraid to venture out on my own because I know about the possible dangers but should I let the that stop me?


This might seem strange but I've been thinking about inventing a device for personal safety, it would require a lot of technical work that I don't have training in but if I could it would be worth it. I've been thinking about guns and the issue we have with them all over the world, at one point I started to hate them, but at the same time the more I heard of gruesome crime stories and that the victims could easily be someone like me I began to see them as a necessary evil.


But at the same time I've been exploring the gun debate, and all the laws about guns that are or aren't getting passed. I've heard both sides of the story about the 2nd amendment to people demanding more background checks. But here's my opinion, the issue is not with guns themselves, the issue is with outdated technology. You see guns today represent bows and arrows of the past. With the technology that we have today why is it that we have yet to create a "smart gun" or maybe not necessarily a gun but a weapon for protection? isn't that what people want? to protect themselves? I know that's all I want, I just want to feel safe and secure.


Why is nobody talking about the outdated technology?


Another thing I was thinking about today is my place in society, but not just here in America, but in the entire world, the entire universe. Who am I? what is my purpose?


I've been playing with the idea that everything comes "full circle" the rich need the poor, and the poor need the rich. No matter what happens there is a full circle affect.


Sometimes I feel like I wasn't meant for this time, I feel like I was truly intended for a future generation, a time when us humans lived in balance with nature but at the same time have a truly brilliant technology structure.


I've also been thinking a lot about the concepts of natural section, survival of the fittest and eugenics. I've been wondering are we as humans interfering with this process by allowing so many babies to survive? that may sound harsh, but I gladly will use myself as an example. Since I was born it seems like I've done nothing but suffer, rather the suffering was inflected by other people or my own internal thoughts and feelings it's still suffering. I'm essentially given two options, continue to suffer or commit suicide. The problem with the latter is that I've already grown to reach a level of moral thought and reasoning to the point that even suicide is a decision that brings more suffering. This is why there are so many homeless and poor people who are choosing to suffer rather then to take their own lives, it's much easier to suffer.

Life is complex, it's short when you think about the life span of the average human, and sometimes I feel an intense sadness when I see someone I'd like to know but I never get to say anything and I just watch them walk away knowing I'll never see them again.

Anyway... I guess I'm here now so I'll continue working towards happiness.


I don't really know what to expect for classes this semester, I'm just going to do my best and hope that I learn something useful. By the way, I did check out the prices for my books and one of them cost nearly $300, that's ridiculous! not to mention the ebooks are a serious scam, even though it's significantly cheaper to buy them you don't get to keep them, what if I need to refer to one in the future? I typically keep all my books, but over the years the prices have just been getting higher and higher so I've been trying to find other means, the problem is that the information changes and updates so quickly by the time I try to sell the book it will have no value.


Sometimes I ask myself what is it all for? a piece of paper that says I attended a university so employers can still deny my application? I guess what matters the most to me right now is having the knowledge to try and help improve my life, that's all I can really do.




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