rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-12-31 23:02:06 (UTC)

new year old me

It's new years eve and here I am, same as every other year, sad and alone. Someone decided to let me know that I'm judgmental because of what I wrote regarding my sisters boyfriend. Something that I've learned over the last few years is that it's up to you to save yourself, there are no super heroes, but most importantly people tolerate crime, if I'm murdered then it's just a sad story, people only collectively come together to care deeply about celebrities and public figures who've reached a certain level of accomplishments.


But what if they didn't make it? what if they were taken away from this world before they had the chance to do anything? I'm talking about anyone who's had an impact on your life, a public figure, your parents, good friends... I mean the value of a life cannot be measured. But people put values on others lives and I have learned I'm not much value. There is only one way that I can become of value to people, and sometimes I feel like I should try it.


Anyway, the year is changing just like it does every year. It will only move forward not backwards... even though people die they are quickly replaced.


I've decided that I'm not apologizing anymore for who or how I am. I'm going to do what I want. Say what I want and be myself to every extent of who my true nature is and desires to be freely and without judgment.


It makes sense for me to be in this current depressed state, I'm poor, I'm unloved, I'm alone, I'm lonely, there doesn't seem to be a bright future ahead for me. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm stating facts.


Anyway... I read the crime section of the news and was reminded that my life could be a lot worst, but then I realize that my life could get worst and I too could be experiencing the worst heartache one could ever feel.


I'm too introverted, too introspective, too neurotic, too boring, too this too that. Will it change? will I do what I want to accomplish with my 1 life no matter how broken or depressing things get.

I'm judgmental, but we all judge, I know this all too well.

Nobody likes depressed people, nobody wants to hear sad stories, but my entire life is sad. I should of been aborted, and I have no regrets in saying so. People are out here fighting for the lives of unborn children not thinking that the child has to grow up one day and provide for itself, not to mention most women who seek abortions are not prepared to care for a child, much like my own birth mother. So I'm stuck here in limbo.


In 2014 I'm going to try harder to make my life better and document the effort. I'm going to try everything and just deal with any negative blows. I have no idea why I'm so different from everyone, why can't I seem to find the meaning or point of life.


I've discovered not everything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger, in fact I think somethings that don't kill you only make you weaker, and if anything you can grow to be cold and heartless.

I'm doing project 365 again for 2014, I wasn't successful the last time. I'm trying to increase my mood but nothing seems to be working, I'm just down and out.




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