rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-10-30 20:02:55 (UTC)

wow..really

So it feels like I haven't written in a while, but it's actually only been a few days, I've just been bombarded with these class assignments which have truly been giving me a headache mostly because I don't think they did a good job spreading out heavy assignments, for instance I have these speeches due right behind the other plus both have to have outlines and sources.


Well, I have been feeling like I was just going to explode if I didn't come here and write! I always feel guilty when I come and write but I have academic assignments to do, but this is necessary for my sanity.

First off I have important news! it's about the guy who my sister has been "dating" who is currently in the prison system, I won't go into many details in this entry I need to make sure that entry has all the information in one place and is free from cluttered thoughts. I have a lot to update on him and this situation and it has honestly been bothering me like crazy, I will however say right now that he is scheduled for release in 2 years from now, yet here I am already worrying and preparing. One of the thoughts that have been running through my head is "what if these two years are my last years of life?" It's that serious!!!


The last few days as I've been piecing together new information about this situation I've grown more and more worried but most importantly more angry at my sister for causing this worry I feel. As much as I try to relax and be calm I find it difficult because I know the statistics and the facts, and I know my sister is putting her life in danger and my life as well just by talking to this guy, it's very difficult to deal with.


Anyway my entry will detail all of that and I plan on including a part of the letter that he has written to her and more details.

Now that that is off my chest I'll write about what else has been going on. First off I haven't been having any luck with dating, lately I've been putting in a little more effort in searching for someone as I've come to realize that this is a process that requires time and energy. Also I've been working on attempting to make a new friendship that hopefully will not be short lived. Of course it is already turning out disastrous because this person is at work and our schedules vary widely and I typically only see this person once a week, so there has been no time for a conversation or for any relationship to form, plus this person is in a position that typically doesn't last long (meaning people typically get fired or quit)


Speaking of work I've been invited to a birthday celebration from one of my co-workers who is around my age, he has been there about the same amount of time as I've been there, in fact he has lasted the longest in the position he is in. He also is a bit like me and I think has a difficult time building relationships with people.. we have a few things in common and I think at one point he expressed (to someone else) that he liked me. I would understand his difficultly with dating although I think it's different then my struggles.


I may or may not go.. I'd feel guilty if I didn't because I really don't have an excuse although I can make one up. The truth is I think I would feel uncomfortable (a bad habit I'm trying to break).. I already sent him a text message telling him that I may or may not make it depending on a few things. I'm trying to do it in a way that shows I acknowledge his invitation and I'm grateful he sees me as potential friend, however I'm still working on a few things about myself.


Also I've been talking (texting) to sean lately again. I'm still unsure about him though, and he didn't make that feeling any better after our first text convo the other day. I told him that I stopped talking to him because "I felt I had matured as a woman and felt upset about things that had happened between us in the past" then he said he had wondered why I stopped talking to him then mentioned he went to one of the stores I work for and that he "felt uncomfortable" because of the cameras. I interpreted that in a very creepy/negative way, it was like he was saying he felt uncomfortable because he was being watched by the security cameras as if he had some intention of visiting me at my job and being uncomfortable about being on camera.


But I could just be over reacting as usual. Well now that I'm armed with a lot more (psychological) knowledge I feel I can better pick up on any red flags or social cues. I'm still apprehensive of course and so far our conversations have remained short and I haven't met up with him although I may someday.


The thing is that I feel a bit guilty even talking to him, a part of me really wants to feel angry about our past but a part of me also wonders if I was overreacting. I don't think you should ever feel "afraid" when you are with someone, especially someone who claims to be your "friend", but he has scared me a few times (seriously), but at the same time he has shown an interest in me and attempted to bring me a little happiness (which my own parents don't do).

So I'm at the crossroads, relationships can be bumpy and we all take a risk when we open ourselves up to someone but fear shouldn't stop you from enjoying your life with other people. I'm going to take a chance, but I'm going to remain smart about things. Also just FYI, I'm not talking with him in a romantic way, I don't think there will ever be any romance between us.


Academically, I feel like I'm currently in the eye of the storm. I'm only taking 3 classes so I don't even feel like I should be complaining, however I want to make an "A" in all 3 and my last few assignments haven't been A quality. For instance this is the first time that my lack of a social life has impacted my grade... let me explain..


I'm taking an online communications class, and we have two speeches to do (one is called an informative speech, and the other is called a pervasive speech). Because this is an online class we can't give a speech in front of the class, we have to actually find people who will listen to our speech and record it. And if you are thinking I could of edited some people into my speech then you should know there was really no way around it, each speech requires you to find 5 (adult) people to watch the speech and each of them has to be on camera with no edits.

Heres the problem, for each person you don't have in your speech you loose 5 points, so if your grade starts out at 100 and you don't have 5 people to watch your speech the highest grade you can get is a 75. A 75 is a "C". That type of grade can drag an "A" average down to a "B" really quickly.


The first time I read the assignment I knew I wouldn't be able to find someone to watch my speeches and as a result this is the first time my lack of a social life has impacted my grade. However we do have a pretty reasonable teacher, I guess though I was too embarrassed to simply say "I don't know 5 people who can watch my speech", and I guess I was willing to accept the "C" and attempt to make up for it by getting "A"s on all my other assignments and doing any extra credit. I haven't done the math to determine if even that would save me.


However she has posted an opportunity to earn extra credit and possibly a chance to find someone to watch the speech. It's in the form of a "campus event" so I would actually have to show up in order to get the points. It's tomorrow and I'm thinking about going, however I've realized that I'm one of the few people in the class who is doing really well, and I'm wondering if she may just "give" me an "A" during the end of the semester even if I don't earn it (trust me, I've seen it happen)I've learned something very important as a student who has attended low-performing public schools, community college and a low-rating university, and that is that these people have very LOW expectations for their students, many are happy if you just show up. If you put in the least amount of effort they will pass you with a "C". If you show promise and stand out they typically give you "B" or "A", these grades are not earned, they are given. Of course that sounds really bad...I hope it doesn't make me sound like my "A"'s don't matter because they do, and I've worked for them

What's important is that I'm learning something and I've learned a lot this semester, I feel like I've done it completely on my own too (meaning some of the teachers are terrible). Of course as much as I am enjoying this learning process I worry it can all be taken from me in a instant. Meaning my life, stolen from me before I have the chance to do something positive and make an impact. I really am trying not to hark on about this prison guy, I know there are lots of other ways to die besides at the hands of a crazy guy.


Speaking of death, I saw a video of a funeral on youtube and I can't help but to wonder why people feel it's necessary to wear fake eyelashes at a funeral. Maybe she just wanted to look as if she was well put together even though she was hurting inside.

Anyway...I'm running low on things to write about, I could continue but I need to get some sleep. I need to get into a habit of falling asleep around the same time every night, lately I've been up late at night (as late as 1 or 2am) because I can't sleep, I know this prison guy is stressing me, plus classes and my lack of a relationship among other things, but I need to sleep.


Hopefully I'll be back soon to write about my important new information. I think I will after I've gotten these assignments out of the way.

until then : )





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