rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-10-16 22:03:10 (UTC)

Back!

Well we finally got a real Internet connection again, it has only been about 3 months or so since it was gone but now that it's back I can finally do things I have been wanting to do.

One of the things I've been doing (which may sound bad for my mental health) is reading and watching crime stories. As I've written a million times in my writing I pretty much live in my own world, I rarely go out and participate in anything with anyone so I'm pretty closed off from the world, however in reading these crime stories I've started to see a new trend emerge in me, I've begun to value life more, I've begun to want to do more with my time in the present instead of waiting for a future.


A while back I mentioned a girl in my state who had been hit by a car and died. Well I recently went back and visited her facebook page and thought about the fact that she's not around to change anything or delete anything...everything is just as it was.. when you look at life like that you have to ask yourself, what impression do I want to make on people? because it could very well be your last.


I'm glad something positive is starting to come from me following these crime and tragedy stories, however I will also say it does still have negative effects, for one I have been more paranoid then ever and I trust nearly no one but myself and my dog. I'm hoping I can find the skills and the way to help me over come this.


I want to mention something really quick before I go any further and forget, a few days ago I noticed a scooter like bike (motorized) at the vacant house beside ours, I don't know when it got there or why it was there but I think it was stolen. Today just as I had gotten home from the grocery store I saw two teenage boys come and take it away by rolling it, I listened out to what they were saying and I heard one of them say it had no gas but that was all I could pick up on.


I took photos of it before they took it away but I didn't know if it was something serious or not, I mean the truth is there is no way for me to know if it was stolen or really theirs, of course these teens looked to be up to no good anyway, plus the bike had a sticker from another city on it. In these situations I never know what to do, I'm terribly frightened of guys like them and the fact that they were so close to our house really freaked me out. Only because I'm all too aware of what they are capable of doing. I really hope I don't sound too paranoid...

I've been thinking of ways to calm my paranoia and stop judging people so harshly... the truth is that there are billions of people on this earth and not all of them will be good. Anyway, the bike is gone now I shot a short video of them but I didn't get a good shot because of these screens in the windows, this was the same problem that prevented me from recording the guy who gave the gun to a little kid in the house across the street from me when we first moved in, I swear if I don't get this stuff on camera nobody's going to believe me!

Anyway...there is a new person at work who I'm interested in getting to know. I've also been thinking very hard about everything I've learned about introversion and extroversion in my psychology class and I realize that I do lean heavily towards introversion, most importantly I have no idea why I want to get to know some people over others. It has honestly been baffling me ever since this new person came into work and I was actually paying attention to them. Anyway it doesn't look promising because they are in one of the positions that don't typically last long. Plus this person in particular misses days and has problems with being on time which will most likely lead to being fired. But that's not what it's about... it's about getting to know someone while they are here and moving on when they are gone.

Classes are going ok. I honestly can't wait until I'm out of this university and hopefully getting accepted into one of the Ivy league schools for grad school, in fact I should start preparing now and getting an idea of what they look for and expect for people applying to their grad program so that I can prepare now.


I've come to realize something about myself, I'm completely independent, sometimes in my writing I write about how I'm dependent, but the truth is I'm more independent then I am dependent, I'm dependent on people for emotional support and that's about it other wise I pretty much do things on my own. For instance at work I've learned so many of the extra task that nearly none of the other women at my job do, mostly because the other women see the task as something reserved for a man, but the truth is they can do it.


I also don't have anyone "cheer-leading" me through college, I find the motivation within myself and I get the grades I want through hard work and dedication.


It makes me sound kind of "rough around the edges", I feel like me being so "tough" and independent isn't the greatest thing, some people have had it good their whole lives and I don't think their quality of life is any greater or less then mines or that they lack the ability to be tough in a situation. If anything it has just made me harder. I also can't help but to also factor in my birth mother situation... some may look at that part of my life and think I've accomplished the impossible... I haven't succumbed to the many destructive behaviors that people with hard upbringings fall victim to. I'm very proud of that personally.


Well now that I finally have a real connection again I can start applying for jobs and other opportunities, there is already one I have in mind that deals with clinical psychology, the only problem is that it requires reference letters, I always feel stuck when I apply to something that requires reference letters because to say "nobody knows me well enough to refer me" is an understatement. Nobody knows me period would be much more fitting. This has always been a hindrance for me, it's the reason I need to learn how to better socialize and network, it's why I'm taking this communications class so seriously.

I think I will be starting my "fear series" soon... although I will say that (although I do love writing) I'm starting to feel "embarrassed" by all the writing I do, and I desire to get away from my own inner feelings and into the real world... this writing is a bit of an introverted trait and a huge part of me feels there is an extrovert in me just waiting to come out.

Well I'm going to call it a night... hopefully I'll write again soon.




Ad: