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2013-10-13 02:55:00 (UTC)

I'm still writing the letters I'll never send.

I booked a few days off work this week to spend a few days with my ex. She graduated and so I went down there to celebrate with her and some of her friends.

It's weird because since we broke up I'm now employed doing what I wanted to do, which is a dream come true, and now she'll also be doing what she's been studying/working for.

So anyway, I've only seen her a few times and normally it's a case of being around her for 5 or so hours before I had to get the bus back. This time however, I stayed at hers and got the bus back, so I spent quite a lot of time around her.

To be honest I think we're good around each other, we laugh and joke and just yeah, we still get along really well is what I'm trying to say.

Her friend picked us up around half 8, although I don't get why we didn't walk into town, but anyway. Few drinks at some dead bar which was okay, although I didn't really say much. We then went to another place which was a bit more upbeat. Had a bunch to drink in there and everyone was a bit drunk at this stage.

We then went to her work and she was trying to persuade me to get a lap dance (she works behind the bar at a strip club) which I wasn't really down for. The main reason for this is because I was staying a her's, which meant I would be sleeping in a bed that's next to hers and if I'd of got a lap dance, we'd of probably ended up sharing her bed.

After that we headed to some club that was empty, one person besides us. Bunch more to drink in there and at one point I was standing with my back against the bar and she was standing in front of me talking to me.

She was standing really close to me so I could feel her body against mine, although the reason for that was because she was drunk and she was talking to me, or trying to due to the loud music. She then put her hands on the bar either side of me and at this point I was't even listening to her anymore. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to put my hand on the small of her back and kiss her.

I started getting really turned on as she kinda moved away from me and then back against me in between saying things, still ignoring everything she was saying, all I could think about is that I wanted her.

We were outside smoking at one point, I can't remember what we were talking about but out of no where she said we didn't have to tell anyone if we ended up sleeping together.

We eventually got a lift home and went straight to her room. We pretty much got changed in front I each other and got into our separate beds. We talked for a bit, mainly abut how I wanted to be inside of her, but I guess I wasn't as drunk as her, or maybe I was which is why I started over thinking everything.

I mainly thought about how happy she is, if we slept together send of ruined our friendship. If we slept together we'd of complicated everything. I don't want to mess with her head or complicate things for her, I still care about her.

I also thought about how I don't fit in her life anymore, how I'm just someone that she sees once a month or so. I woke up in the middle of the night to a sex dream over her which was pretty weird when she was laying right there.

I was then awake for a little bit and this is when I started to wish I wasn't there and that I shouldn't of stayed at hers. She sort of woke up, rolled over and fell asleep again. I miss her, I miss the way she sleeps, when she wakes up and makes a silly sound and fall back asleep again. I miss the way she talks in her sleep, I miss her.

I'm now like, so two years ago. Sure I have a better job and I actually like working now, but my personal life? I'm back to where I was two years ago. I have feelings for a girl who doesn't have feelings for me, I'm now going to spend the next god knows how long wanting her even though I know we won't be together.

So let's not even try, you're right.