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2013-08-25 06:23:22 (UTC)

If I let you go, would I be a demon or a ghost?

Today I'm meeting up with the girl I think I'm falling for, who doesn't feel the same. I'm kind of excited even if it's only going to be for a few hours. She's going to some festival on Monday to promote her EP I believe.

I'm not really sure if I am infact falling for her, or if I'm falling in love with the idea of being in love. It's a difficult one to answer, something I've been thinking about a lot recently. I do think I'm a hopeless romantic, as fucking stupid as that sounds, and this girl means more to me than just a feeling.

The main problem is that our lives are so far apart. I work pretty much at a desk 6 if not 7 days a week, she writes music and performs all over. She's also studying 5 hours away, which means even if we were together we'd never get time to actually be together. This is the reason I've never really thrown myself at this whole idea if us being together, and is why for so long I've kept my distance. It's unfair to put us both through this.

I kinda realise we won't be together, so I guess I'm trying to not think of her that way? Which brings us to the next part of this ever so evolving story. So there's a girl at work who I think I'm reading too much into, and to be honest I'm not even trying because of he following reasons. She's a massive flirt wih pretty much everyone there, although she does seem like a really nice girl and I don't think she actually means to come across that way, it feels more like the people around her place her in that situation.

Anyway, she's going back home till Tuesday as we have a few days off. I asked her prior to her deciding this if she was out over the weekend and she replied telling me that she's going to go back home to see her (in this order) dog, sisters and her parents.

She has a boyfriend, why wasn't he mentioned? Am I really over thinking this? I mean I'm not thinking because she didn't mention her boyfriend she wants me. No. I'm saying what the fuck. I'm kinda sick of seeing and hearing all these people in relationships not giving a shit about the person they're meant to be in love with. The one and only time she's mentioned her boyfriend was when I asked her if she had a boyfriend (completely innocent) and she said 'yeah, but he's being a dick'.

I guess this is where it turns all dark and depressing, seeing as the rest isn't too bad. I fucking hate seeing people holding hands, kissing in the street or just being happy. I guess that makes me an absolute prick but you know what, I had all of that and I took it for granted. All the people at work do the same thing, if their partners could hear how they talk to this girl at work, or even about their nights out and the girls they met or wanted to fuck. I fucking hate people.

Maybe it would have been easier if you had felt the same. Maybe it would have been easier and it wouldn't hurt this much.