rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-06-26 21:46:49 (UTC)

Short life?

Well there is so much I want to write about right now... so many subjects but so little time..


Well I'll start here. I've been thinking about life, and my life in particular because I'm the one living it.. and I'm sure what I'm about to say may sound very pessimistic however I am a huge statistics person and even though I may "beat the odds" I don't feel I am expected for longevity... and I'm not talking 50 or something.. I'm starting to think with the way the world is (plus my place in society) and all the violence around me that I'll be lucky to make it to 30.


Of course I am educated enough to know we are not promised anything... but seeing the vigilance of those living in extreme poverty in societies were there is no health care, no shelter and they have to hunt for everything they eat (from the show "human planet") I feel like I can't complain... I'm just a girl trying to survive life in the urban jungle where people hunt and hurt other people more then the wild animals do... it's sad... but I guess this is how the world is.. and if I die how can I change that?

I'm glad I got that out of the way.. now I want to write about something else.. I was going to start an entire new entire for it but just now decided against it.


So today I was browsing youtube... and you know how youtube is.. you watch one video and then end up in a strange place. Anyway I was watching some videos then came across this girl who makes a lot of political and "anti-feminist" videos... now honestly this was the first time I had even heard of anti-feminist... and the fact that a woman was saying all of this (to me) was even worst. I think I just assumed all women would embrace feminism.. because to me feminism was not a threat to anyone, to me it simply means having rights and keeping those rights in place..

I wrote before how I discovered feminism.. mostly though various websites I happened to come across, prior to 2009 I had no idea feminism existed. I knew about the women's rights movement and I knew many women in developing countries had no rights at all. But when I discovered "feminism" I honestly thought it was great... of course I didn't call my self a "feminist" I just like the idea.

Now... when I got into all these feminist writings I didn't see anything wrong... none of them were "man-bashing", most were just repeats of basic rights.. like preventing rape and things like that... so I had no idea so many people "hated" feminism... that's what I found out today... many people "hate" feminism.. and many men in particular hate it even more. It's weird because I have never seen any threat or need to even care when I first heard of feminism.. in fact I assumed most men wouldn't care what women were thinking or feeling anyway.


Now.. that sounds harsh, but it all starts with the way I was raised and the experiences I've had as a woman growing up. The "I" needs to be empathized since I don't think all women have the same experience as me.. but for me growing up I always felt I was "invisible" like my voice didn't matter to men (yes all men) I always remember in church as a little girl hearing them preach about how women were designed to be a "help me" for men... that women were to help their husbands and that husbands were to provide for the family. I had gained the idea that the man was to be strong and the woman weak (and helpless) completely dependent on her husband.

Some of the consequences of that thinking was that I figured men have no care or desire to interact with their children... to me they simply provided for the family, which is why at times when I see men interacting with small children in an animated way I'm taken by surprise... for me that was rare to see, not even my own dad got animated with us.


As I grew older people kept telling me I needed to find a "good man".. a man who wouldn't abuse me. For me the very thought of being abused by someone who was supposed to be the "provider" didn't make sense. In my mind women became very weak and I "despised" them.. even today I wonder how different am I from other women?

For a long time I thought all women had the same values as me, I thought women were to be "soft and gentle"... kind..etc.. I think my own abandonment issues from my birth mother made things worst. I have never heard anything about my birth father.... and to make things clear I feel a lot of shame and guilt to have come from these kind of circumstances..

Anyway.. for a long time I couldn't understand a woman who continuously allowed someone to abuse her and then to allow that to happen to her children as well, which is similar to my experiences as a child. I didn't want women to be weak... but it turned out I was the weak one.. and in that I ended up feeling pride in feminism...


Even today though I feel contempt... or maybe just lack of understanding... towards some women... for instance the porn industry is fueled by women, if women said no then the supply could end. There are a lot of reasons why I don't like the sex industry.. but right now the biggest reason is the demand for "human trafficking"... I think people should control their sexual urges..

The fact that this industry makes so much money is terrible.. why do women agree to it? why do women have to be "disposable"... this is why I feel an attraction to the idea of "feminism".. because women seem disposable, they perform these acts for money.. they don't require any skills or knowledge to do any of it and they fuel it by being in high supply. I know some women who can't do simple mathematics.. I want women to be stronger... in my mind women are weak and venerable... and it makes me feel weak and venerable.

I'm currently single... and I have a feeling it's going to stay that way. Not because I want to be single, I'd rather be in a relationship but I don't want to settle, I don't want all the problems I see other people having in their relationships, I know more people with broken relationships then I do with loving relationships. I think it mostly has a lot to do with who I am then anything. Some people are given more value then others (they have more worth... yet they are going to die like the rest of us).

I feel like I'm complaining... or at least I feel like that is how my words could be interpreted. I guess complaining is a woman's issue.. along with PMSing... I think deep inside I really hate being a woman. I hate the though of needing to be "pretty" and "presentable"... I hate the thought of needing to be feminine... I've heard some men say some women are just ugly and can't get a man so they are mad at the world. I've heard more girls be called ugly then I have guys.. and that's by both men and women. Why do my looks have to be judged so harshly? "women have low self-esteem" I do have low self-esteem and yes I'm emotional... but I've always thought people without emotion are cold and heartless...

I don't like to cook or clean.

This pisses me off because it would seem being a woman is one of the hardest things on earth.


I guess I should write more about science and mathematics to help dispel the stereotypes about us... at least I'm not a sex worker.


I've written too much about a heavy subject... plus I got off track. I did make an "A" in my psychology class... but I'm starting to feel like it doesn't matter... it's weird because psychology has been a male dominated area, yet often I hear it being criticized as a "easy science" dominated by emotional women... in every psychology class I've had they were dominated by women. I've heard "psychology is easy" --- it makes me upset because I don't want to be the weak woman who takes easy subjects. I think I'm going to see if I can find something in Mathematics or engineering... or better yet I want to do the dirty work they say women can't do.

I feel terrible... I guess it's my own fault. I wish I wasn't emotional.

On the realistic side women are not the happy, hugging type like most people think... women can be really mean to one another.. I know because I've tired to get close to women but something always goes awry. Also just because we're women doesn't mean we make good parents or care takers, I think that stereotype needs to go out the window.


OK LOL I'm done.. I don't even know what I'm writing about... boredom is a disease and I have a severe case





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