rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-04-13 19:06:26 (UTC)

what is this..

So all weekend I've been feeling tired and depressed ... and just down about everything. I'm not sure what has come over me but I wish it would go away.


I started thinking today about how my parents raised us, and how they really never gave us any direction or took charge for our future or education.. they kind of just let us exist... and that is what we do today... they consider themselves as helping us out by allowing us to stay here with low rent however there is no telling how long it will last... also I found out the other day my sister is still talking to the criminal guy and he's still in jail but is expected to get out in about 2 years, possibly sooner, I just don't want to be around when that happens because I already know he's going to cause my sister hell, and even worst I think my sister might end up one of the victims you hear about on the 9 o'clock news... she is just too blind to see how dangerous he is, but I see it clearly, the only thing that annoys me is that I may end up having to be the one to move when she decides to start bringing him around.


Work also has me really down, I'm not getting the hours I wish I were getting, of course that's been more due to me not wanting to be at work because of all the problems I was having with my supervisor. But that's just a part of the problem, the bigger problem is wanting a career and not having one. I am sick and tired of working in retail doing crappy jobs with nothing to show for it except a small paycheck.


I've been thinking I need to expand my horizons more lately to see where I can go, and I don't doubt soon enough things will start to change, small changes have already been made at my current job that will propel me in some direction, I don't know yet which direction that will be. I've also been considering taking time off from working for a while...but I don't know how practical that would be.

Depression has just taken a toll on me... it seems like nothing is going as I expect it should, but maybe I have too many expectations.. the university I attend has been having problems with crime lately and that makes me extra nervous since often I walk alone on campus because I don't have anyone to walk with... it makes me want to leave the place and go some place else, but I know other campuses also have similar issues. So my plan right now is just to take more online classes then regular classes, I don't know yet how that will work out.


I still have A's in my classes but I made an 80 on my health test which is bad considering it wasn't that difficult, I just didn't apply myself the way I should have. Anyway the semester is coming to an end and I'm glad, I'm going to go sign up for advising on Monday then pick out a possible class schedule for summer or fall.. Hopefully things won't be disastrous... of course so far I've had nothing but trouble so I am expecting to run into something that will annoy me highly, I may as well prepare myself for it now.

The only good news so far is that they have finally come out with the galaxy note 8.0 which is the tablet I am planning on getting and it cost $399.99, that's still a bit pricey but $50 less then the 10.1 which is what I was going to get...

I had been planning on waiting to get it for my birthday which is in September (5 months away), by then it could be down to $340, but I wouldn't expect it to drop lower then 300... I'm considering getting it now just as a distraction from all my problems, but I need to see how work is going and do some financial planning and budgeting before I just go buy it... if it was less then 200 then I'd buy it right away, but I'll be paying nearly 450 when you add taxes and a protective case for it..

This is one of the dilemmas with being poor, although I can afford it I have to think about my bills first.. of course I should know pretty soon how the rest of the year will look for me, even if I lost my job. I just have to total my expected university expenses along with my current expenses... then add a few hundred for emergencies... I'd say I expect about $5,700 to be spent for the rest of this year including all my bills and educational expenses.. that is a little bit more then my expected income considering that I keep a job and work at least 12 hours a week, which I don't know if that will happen since I'm making changes and I'm at an unstable period in my life.

I still haven't sold my external hard drive, but only because I'm still working on moving the files, which I've neglected doing in the past few weeks. But I will start that up again, then find all my old cell phones and try to get those sold, I don't expect to make a lot from selling my old things but it will be enough to off set the price of the galaxy a bit, or at least allow me to buy some apps or software for it.

I'm really excited about that... now if only I could have a career that pays well, a partner, a new puppy, a baby on the way and a safe neighborhood to live in I'd be THRILLED! : D


I can't help but to wonder is that asking for too much, but there are tons of people who have that right now and I'm so jealous of that.


In fact my craving to be a mother is only growing stronger each day, especially when I see little babies at work... but you know what else? I still feel like I have time.. of course I think I should be having children now, but I also notice people two times my age just now starting a family so I guess I don't feel that bad.... however I will say a huge majority of the people I went to school with already have kids, in fact I saw a girl today who I attended middle school with and she had two kids, one looked about 7 and the other about 5.. which are typical ages I notice when I see the kids of people who I went to school with.

Well... I guess I'll just have to find a little more patience.. right now a puppy and a galaxy note 8.0 are on the top of my list of things to acquire. A love would also be nice...

You know what else I was thinking about today?? people really do pay to have friends. I realized that I haven't paid a phone bill in over a year, and when I did pay for phone service I only paid 20 dollars every 90 days because it was pre-paid. Not having a phone that works kind of sucks but it would be a complete waste to have a phone that I paid service for because nobody ever calls me, nobody ask for my phone number either. People really are paying just to talk to their friends... not to mention going out and the cost associated with that...


ok.. I'm just rambling now and trying to make myself feel better for being so lonely lol.. ok I need to find something to do. I have an online assignment that I think I will go work on now, I don't really want to, but I may as well get it done now... I only have 2 more sections and a final exam in my biology class then I'm done.. it will be such a relief.




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