rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-04-05 19:40:17 (UTC)

Barriers

I'm starting to wonder how if at possible will I succeed. Today was an ok day at work because the new lady wasn't there to harass me, however it has still been a bad day.


I just got finished trying to apply for a internship that deals directly with my major, but you know where I got stuck? that's right... References... I did have some names of people I wanted to use but I don't think they will work. I'm going to try anyway when I go back to finish my application, it doesn't hurt to try.

But that is my problem, nobody knows me well enough to be my reference. And the problem with that is that I feel it's more of me then anything. We got some new employees today and one thing I've noticed about a lot of them is that they seem to open up well and just fit right in right away.. This job is a job that requires a lot of contact with people and not to say I can't or don't want to be in contact with people however it does take me time to warm up to people because I analyze people so often.


It's not like I have any choice anyway, almost every job I've encountered has to do with something in customer service so there is no real escape.


But my problem has been lack of opportunity, all the jobs I've held have been low-wage jobs were most of my supervisors don't even have college degrees. So how can I provide these reference's when I already know it's not typical of my type of job. It's not like I go to work and I'm a complete loner, I socialize, however I have a lot of boundaries..


So you see this is the point in my young adult life were it seems I will make the split from my young adult counterparts. The middle class kids who attended good schools, good universities and got good jobs from the very beginning, they are the one's who will have the references and skills that will land them the job they want. It seems almost like manifest destiny, I will have to work 100 times harder to get at the same level as them.

I'm not being negative either, there are plenty of people with great personalities who never succeed, it's more about who you know then your personality in my opinion.. and my problem is that I don't know anyone. Networking is kind of hard when you are at the bottom of the corporate ladder... wait... I don't even think I'm at the corporate ladder... I'm just at the bottom of the ladder.


Now I feel guilty because I know people would say I need to stop being so negative and pessimistic. But what if I tried being positive and saying to myself I will get the career I want? and what if it never happens?


All this has given me a headache, what's even more daunting is that I'm seeing other people my age enjoying good careers and jobs with meaning while I work away at a retail store.

I know....at least I have a job, there are plenty of people out there without jobs or who can't work because of a disability, but you know what? more often then not they are making more money then me.

All this thinking and worrying gives me a headache... I read a quote the other day that directly relates to me it said "People who think too much about life are dissatisfied with it" ... I read that and thought to myself that is me 100 percent! Of course I feel like if I stop thinking and planning then I'll become unstable and end up in an even worst situation then I'm in now.


I will admit, I do have problems socializing with people, but given my past, given the affects of my birth mothers actions had on my brain and development I would say I'm lucky to be able to function as well as I do now..

Lately I keep looking at myself in the mirror and comparing my body to other women my age and I see how underdeveloped I am, I'm not just small or petite... I'm just underdeveloped. I feel devastated, like nobody is going to love me because of this... it's like I'm crippled. Today at work while I was thinking about the difference in my body size I realized that nobody has ever really asked me why I'm so small and underdeveloped... and honestly until about a few months ago I wouldn't of been able to articulate the reason clearly to them at all... now here I am with a better understanding of what I went through as a developing fetus and child, I feel I can better explain to people why I am this way, and in fact I want to try and do a photo journal about my condition to help raise awareness of drinking while pregnant and neglecting small children.

Of course some children have experienced worse then me and somehow they over come it. I don't know if overcoming something like that simply means being alive or if it means being well established and most importantly happy with yourself.


So in the mean time I will continue educating myself... I will continue putting in applications at different places and hopefully will find something that works for me.

Lately though I've just been wanting to hide away... I don't know how other women my size have the confidence that I don't seem to have especially in knowing that many children are larger then us. At the grocery store not to long ago a woman was looking me over as if trying to figure out if I was an child or an adult. I think more people then I realize stare at me when I'm out doing my shopping, they see such a small woman and they can't tell if I'm a child because unlike some people with dwarfism I am completely proportionate.

Everything in me wants to leave my job, but I am so fearful of not being able to pay my bills and afford basic things for myself. I already spend next to nothing because I make next to nothing.

Well... I guess that's all I have to say about that. Lately my throat has been feeling irritated, I'm worried it's my thyroid acting up, I'm also worried I have a major sickness going on in my body that just hasn't gotten to it's worst yet, I worry it might strike me any day now and I won't know what to do.

BTW... if this entry gave the impression that I completely hate my job and I'm one of those people who go to work complaining and not socializing with other people then that's completely wrong.. despite the fact that I do hate my job and I want to be in a career that I love, I do go to work and smile, I am polite and I try my very hardest to force happiness out of me which I've done since I've been there even though sometimes my sadness does show through my fake smile.. I do it because I'm trying to survive, I haven't given up on the dream of being somebody someday.




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