rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-04-03 20:37:36 (UTC)

The single problem

I wanted to come and write tonight about being single.

Today I found my way back onto one of the online dating sites that doesn't seem to have anyone I'm compatible with... it's not even so much online dating either, it's dating in general. I know my biggest problem is exposer, I don't put myself out there or have I been around people in the dating scene, I don't even have a photo up on my online dating page... lol I know how that sounds but I think there are too many creepy people online for me to take that risk.


Anyway, so I realized that I'm 26 years old and I've never been in a serious relationship, or any relationship for that matter.. I know I can be very picky, mostly because of what I know about people, and I don't think anyone should just settle with the first person who meets their physical qualities, but lately I've been wondering what can I do to get into the dating scene?? and most importantly why do I want to date?

These last few years I've been working on me, I had a lot more problems when I first started writing... I didn't see the world clearly, I had no purpose or meaning to life.. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, but now I feel that I've grown and gained knowledge that am more prepared to get into the dating scene..

The only issue here is that I've been searching for women, I'm still not secure in my sexuality or how to define it... I still feel that I don't meet the "criteria" for a "real lesbian"... That may come off differently to different people depending on what perspective you are looking at. But I like to look at things from a social and psychological perspective.. meaning that I really feel my past, and past experiences with men has influenced my sexuality more then anything to gravitate towards women, and in the past 4 years or so since I've started watching the news and becoming more aware of women's issues around the world I've started to develop a stronger desire to be with a woman.


I don't really know how I should go about these feelings, and my only experience with a woman has been a simple kiss. I've thought about exploring it more but I'm not active in the gay community or any community for that matter so you see that is why I have a difficult time dating and meeting people... you just can't meet people sitting at home on the computer all day..

Another issue is my job, when I get a job I tend to stick with it, even if it sucks... The only reason I'll leave is if I get let go or laid off, or if I find another job and like it, but nothing in me can get me to quit my job if I don't have another job. Tomorrow for instance I'm going to work... so now I'll be working 4 days out of a 7 day week, since the semester started I was only working 3 days out of the 7 day week. The issue with that is that since we got this new supervisor work has been hell...I like going to work and doing my job without anyone bothering me, but it feels like they won't leave me alone.

I've been looking at different internships and I'm thinking about taking one for this summer.. or at least applying, when I look at my lack of achievements compared to other "star" students I feel bad... like I lack a lot of motivation to be active in the community. I don't have any rewards or recognitions and that needs to change before I get too old. Age really does matter...

I still haven't yet registered for next semester because of issues, but hopefully I will see them through..


Ok, so back to my single problem.. so what should I do about this?? I think the obvious question would be putting myself out there more, but I'm so worried I'll meet someone who is really scary and causes me a lot of pain... but that is the risk we take right? I wish I could invent the perfect partner then I wouldn't have to worry..


You know what though? I've also identified other issues besides me not putting myself out there that I need to change... for one.. I'm too quite, I have to open up and talk to people... it's difficult because I don't want people to exploit me, I'm not shy, I just think most people are generally dangerous and should be avoided. Another thing is my appearance... I don't put in much effort when I dress, in fact I wear the same ponytail everyday... and I've worn it that way ever since middle school lol.. sure I've dyed it a few times but I still always have the same basic style.. of course I don't think I have the type of face that is meant for wild hair styles... I have a very youthful face so usually I wear a youthful hair style... or maybe just a lazy hairstyle..

Another thing I need to do is accept rejection and move on.... not get rejected and go crazy... lol, seriously I don't take rejection well, but at the same time I need to learn not to allow it to hurt me.. I think people can grow numb and cold the more then experience rejection, in fact there was an interesting study in my psychology class about how people reacted to pain after being rejected.. the more rejected they felt the more they could tolerate pain. So it's important to guard you heart, but at the same time you have to at least try...

I don't want to be in my 40's and just beginning to date, I would feel really sorry for myself.


I don't enjoy being single, but finding what I want seems impossible, of course I am picky and particular about a lot of things... especially things regarding health... so I don't ever see myself dating a smoker or someone who drinks alcohol. Basically I have a lot of "deal breakers" when it comes to dating... I've been trying to loosen them up a bit, however in some areas I just can't compromise.


I do feel in the past 3 years I've grown a bit socially, but I'm very much behind for my age... so learning how to better socialize with people it something I'm going to have to work on.

The next thing I need to ask myself is where should I start looking? I wouldn't want to meet someone at a bar since drinking is something I don't do. I also am not too found of clubs. It seems to me the best place for someone like me to meet someone new would either be online or at the library. If I had a better job or went to a better university I could of already meet someone special there however I have been having bad luck in those areas.


So ... here goes my effort yet again to find a date... I wrote about this once before, and I proclaimed that I would "try harder", and I did, however I didn't really put myself out there, and that's where I am today... so now it's time to change my game plan and find something that works.. I know I can date I just have to find the right people.

Well.. I'm off to go possibly apply and search for internships, I don't go into work until the afternoon tomorrow so I'm lucky in that area, however I do have to start studying for my next health exam which is on next Wednesday




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