rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-03-30 19:18:53 (UTC)

Woe is me...

Ok so I wanted to write about all the current issues and fears that are bothering me to date, but first I want to say I don't feel I'm a negative person, I do however feel I'm in a negative situation..


Ok.. so here goes..


I want to quit my job. I want to quit my job because I don't like it there, nor do I want to be doing this type of work any longer. I keep thinking about all the engineers and people with careers that actually do something for people and society yet my job is so basic and is leading me nowhere.


But I also feel that I can't quit, if I quit then I could be out of work for months, possibly years, and what will happen to me then? I'm already poor enough.

For the record I never moved to the new position at work. And I know what they think of me and why I didn't move into that position. They seem to want me to fight for it.. but I think that's a bit silly.


I really don't know what they are doing, some days I wish I would just show up to work and they would fire me.. I know it wouldn't be hard for them to replace me. I don't have to motivation or skills to push myself to be a great leader, or just great in everything I do.. I'm worried that I may live the rest of my life this way, I don't have access to health care, if I want it I have to go to the emergency room where I'm bound to get into debt with the hospitals.

Why do I feel like I have to fight to get what comes so easy for other people, I'm sick of having to fight to be treated like a human being, I'm sick of having to fight for a decent job. I know I can do it, I can get the skills but nobody has faith in me.


Life is so frustrating and difficult. Yet I see so many people who seem to be breezing right by in life, they have the things they need and they are not hungry and worried about hitting rock bottom.

I feel like if someone was reading this they would be saying "shut up and stop complaining"... I don't know why... but you know I don't feel like I'm complaining I feel like this is my reality, and I don't know how to escape.


My head hurts so much right now.. today was a fairly warm day outside, however it's not enough yet for us to turn the heating system off completely yet.

My sister is out celebrating with our biological brother for his birthday, I didn't go because I want to forget that part of me. My entire biological family is poor... I don't want to be like that, just another poor person... society doesn't care about poor people.


That's one of the biggest things I've learned since I became an adult.. people will do what ever they can to secure the most amount of money possible for themselves and their direct loved ones. They really don't care how many poor disposable people they have to use to get that money but they will get it. I'm one of the poor disposable people, nobody ever told me that when I was a kid, they fooled me and made me waste all my time in failing schools just so I could grow up and struggle like I am now. But the thing is that they have made money off of me... believe it or not but rich people need poor people.. society needs poor people... the best visualization of that is a pyramid, with poor people at the very bottom, they have to carry the most weight... that's what I do slaving away at my job.


I don't think America is the land of opportunity... it's the land of capitalism, crime, and corporate greed... I care because I'm poor, so it matters to me.


How am I going to climb out of this hole?

Now I feel guilty because I just added another depressing somber entry to my 700 plus entries, I don't recall writing too many happy upbeat entries..


I'm 4'11'' ... are people going to take me serious? I just felt like writing that. I've been looking for other job opportunities but so far nothing has come up.

Oh yea, I wanted to write about something else. I've been thinking about the possibility of moving, but only for opportunity. But I'm terrified of the idea, mostly because I've been here all my life and I don't know anything else, plus I worry moving might only lead me to an even greater failure.

Ok.... enough... I'm done... I'm so depressing not even I can take it any longer, plus I'm going to go do something .

I'm sorry I don't have time to proof read this entry... I know there are mistakes I've been making a lot of them lately.




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