rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-03-28 19:52:57 (UTC)

What to do...

So today was another day at home for the entire day. I turned up the heat despite the fact that it's going to spike the bill, but I plan on turning it down really low tomorrow, or completely off to help save.


It felt so good to feel warm and comfortable, I really can't wait until spring kicks in full effect, I miss being able to walk around the house and feel comfortable.


So on my day to myself I decided to watch some videos and browse the web, I came across this young woman about my age who is a photographer and her work has gotten a lot of attention, most of her work is photographing kids and she even has kids herself. I started to feel a bit bummed out... here I am at child-bearing age yet I'm not having children.


It's just that I keep getting pulled to the two extremes, on the one hand I turn on the news and I keep hearing horrific stories of child abuse and people not loving and caring for their children the way a parent should... then on the other hand I see all these people with children, even very poor people... I also see lesbians who go through so much just to have a child, they spend thousands of dollars to make their baby and they seem so happy.


I keep thinking to myself, I want to have children and raise a well-rounded individual and for that person to have all the love and opportunity that I never had. But on the other hand I am so grounded in reality I wonder if I can do that, now or even in the future.


I know I can't be the only young woman dealing with this issue. I'm sure plenty of women who are motherless want to have children but won't for financial reason or because they can't. It's just that I'm learning so much about genetics and biology in my classes that I worry about having a child when I am older, and I've recently learned it's not just a womans age, but new studies have shown that the older some men get the higher chance they can have children with defects.


I hope that doesn't sound horrible, because that's now how I intend for it to sound, I'm well aware that even young healthy women can have children with developmental problems, nor do I think there is anything wrong with children with developmental problems, however I think with my personality I would worry too much about them on a constant basis.


I watched a documentary not to long ago about a couple who had down syndrome, and the mother of the girl didn't want her daughter to get a job because she was so worried people would say something offensive to her daughter.. I don't know if I ever wrote about this but I have an adopted brother who has developmental problems, he is partly deaf and partly blind... Right now my parents have him living in a group home and I'm not even sure why since my mom is at home nearly all of the time so she could take care of him... he is slightly independent meaning that he dresses and cleans himself, however he doesn't cook.


...Since they moved him to the group home I've always questioned my parents.. I don't know why they did it and I'm too afraid to ask. My parents are very complex to me... they don't open up their feelings often.


Anyway.... I my original intention of this entry was supposed to be about introversion... because I took a quiz last night and it said I was inclined to introversion and being "shy".. but I don't think I'm either.. I was going to explain all that, but right now I don't feel like it so I'll explain it for another entry.

So back to the subject matter.


I've been having a hard time understanding people, especially people who abuse children or allow their children to be neglected.. it seems like they feel their children are "burdens", yet on the other hand you have some people who are so thrilled to be having a new part of the family, they are planned for and welcomed with open arms...


I think what I'm really trying to say here is that I take it personal when people don't allow their children to reach their full potential by allowing them to be abused or live in poverty... I know because I was one of those children, but through adoption I was able to escape.. even if my adoptive parents had problems, they at least had financial resources and education.

That's the only one think I agree with in eugenics, I would hate to be labeled or called wrong, but I truly think some people shouldn't be allowed to have children, and before you judge me for that statement you should check your local news... child abuse is not something that happens once a month, I also know it's not isolated to the very poor or minority individuals. I don't understand why we are not marching in the streets in outrage.. why can't we do something about it??? children need someone to defend them, just as I sometimes do because I am small.

It's hard to trust people because you never really know who they can truly be, and I think that right there is what keeps me from getting close to people. I can't stand the thought of making a friend only to find out they are true evil.. I think I'd rather have no friends then take that risk. My sister on the other hands just walks right into their traps.

I guess though, instead of me sitting here, writing and feeling sorry about the situation I could do something about it... but what? I'm not an engineer, who will listen to me? what can I do? I realize that I have to actually do something if I want change.. but sometimes I feel so disconnected from everyone that the situation feels hopeless. I've come across so many people who don't seem to feel anything.


It really is a curse to have so many emotions as I do. I cried today after watching a PSA done by some teenagers about drunk driving.. it's on youtube, I think it's called every 15 minutes, they staged a fake car accident and all, a bit of it is hard to watch, but it's reality.


I really don't want people to have the impression of me that I'm so afraid of the real world that I can't or don't want to leave my comfort zone, or that I want the entire world to be fluffy and safe and nobodies feelings are ever hurt. But would it be a bad thing if everyone was safe all the time??




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