rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-03-20 21:21:58 (UTC)

More on life.

So I've been thinking about a lot of heavy things the last few days, I wanted to come and write about them but got caught up in sleep and drifting off into parts of the Internet.

I'll start with this though since it's the most recent. I just got finished watching a few videos on youtube, they gave me a headache and were disturbing to say the least. You know how things that are seen or heard might be difficult to remember? Sometimes I feel these memories should of never been made, but at the same time it's reality, it's what's happening right outside of your comfort zone rather you like it or not.


The videos I saw were all violent in some form, someone was being hurt and nobody was doing anything about it.

I thought about all the worlds problems, everything from starvation to disease... discrimination and abuse.. we have all these problems and I have no idea why but I feel like I'm responsible to fix all of them all on my own. I don't know why I feel that way, and every part of my logical thinking feels it's impossible, and because of that feeling I feel it's easier, safer, and more practical to sit at home in my safety zone and do nothing at all.

I mean... I was given a life like everyone else, despite adversities I'm still here, I might not be a genius...I'm not rich and I sometimes question myself.. but it's still a life.


The world is so complex, all the thoughts about life just rush through my mind, the more I see the more I'm amazed, I want to hear other people's stories and that's where I'm at right now in my life... attempting to make more sense of the world.. but it's difficult, people are dangerous.. I feel like a zebra in a lions den. My confidence is low... today I went outside because it's the first day of spring, the sun was shining and it was beautiful out.. but I still had fears... not fears like agoraphobia...just worries..

Anyway, who's going to listen to me? my voice has been muted for so many years out of fear. Now I'm trying to get my voice out but I wonder if anyone will care. I've learned that I have very strong opinions about how the world should be, I want to change things to the point I feel they are better. But other people have their own thoughts and opinions, even when I feel I'm write and they are wrong and there is no way to compromise.

Time is always ticking, life that is.. it's always moving. It doesn't stop for anyone, even in my life span what can I do??


This is just a heavy topic, mostly because my thoughts are being accompanied by the visual images in my mind of what I feel is a destructive and dying world. I sometimes don't know why I even try trying to fit in with everyone else.

I guess everyone at some point in their lives has thought about the things I think about, but maybe I just do it too often.


I'm sorry to be emotional, it's almost 11 right now, I spent too much time on youtube when I should of been working on an assignment, it's not difficult though and I know I'll have it done by tonight or tomorrow.


But like I said today was the first day of spring! and it was lovely! I loved being outside, I guess it's because of the area I grew up in, as I was looking and video and photos of that area and all the beauty of nature around me I compared it to were I am now and it's such a huge difference, there is just concrete here. I just am in love with nature.. I spent a lot of my time outside just looking at the beauty around me.. I plan on getting a bird feeder soon, it might not be a fancy one but I want one.. I think I might put it on the tree branch that is outside of my bathroom window, I would put it on the patio but I worry I would frighten the birds away when I tried to get a up close view of them..

So that is on my shopping list among other things, I should be able to budget for it since I've saved on gas by staying at home so much. Of course there is a dollar tree version, but I had hopped to find something a bit more fancy but not too expensive.


I also plan on trying some gardening, and if you can imagine all that I want to do is quite difficult on my budget.. I hate living like this.. I looked at my total income for the last 3 years and it was only about 26,000, and that is for THREE years... most people make more then that in 6 months. I keep asking myself is it me? maybe if I were more motivated I could get to the top and make tons of money.. but I don't know... I've read over and over that women make less then men and it really upsets me. I just can't understand why someone would choose to pay someone more then someone else for the same work simply because of gender, it just perplexes me..


Well..I need to find away out of this.. I'm tired of being poor, I really want to do something huge in psychology but from what I keep reading most people don't go that far.. So I really need to beat the odds.

Here's something I don't think I've ever confessed...but I've never received any rewards or recognitions, what does that say about me? well my parents never got us involved in sports or any activities really which is also the reason why I have underdeveloped social skills.. plus academically I've never stood out from other students..and I struggled in mathematics.


I don't think just because I've never received any rewards or recognitions that I'm dull or an underachiever, I just don't think anyone has had faith in me to do anything or to be anyone, so most of my life I've been over looked, even by my own family. Still that doesn't explain why even at work I've never been recognized for anything while others have, I think they see me as dull because I interact very minimally... what is the point. Sometimes I want to just give up, because it seems like it's not worth the effort. I'm afraid of everybody so I don't make friends. I'm doing better in academics however I still have a way to go..

Well, I have tons more to write about, but I started writing too late and now I'm tired.. hopefully tomorrow I will be back.




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