LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2013-02-19 22:06:31 (UTC)

I don't know how else to..


I don't know how else to explain it, I don't know why.

I found applesauce in my cupboard today. I knew it was there. I knew yesterday, too, but I freaked out, anyway. Because I knew it would be gone, soon, because of me.


I guess that's just what my life is. Trying to prevent things I know are going to happen and in return... Causing them.

Today, my therapist made me cry, again. I hate when she does that. it's hard to talk when i cry, crying is personal.

When she asked me to rate my self-esteem, I said 23/100 but I guess my self esteem is more than that. 40-something out of 100, so almost half.

I kept saying it wasn't true, and I tried telling her I wasn't good but she kept telling me I was. I hated it so much. I'm not. I'm notimnotimnot.

I told mom, "You know, you don't have to send me to therapy, I know it's expensive" because it is and already, all the money I cost them worries me.

So much to do... So much... And I can't help, I won't help, why won't I help?

But that's not what I meant to write, I meant to write that I don't know what I was thinking yesterday, or Saturday, and I can't remember how any of that felt at all. I fell asleep crying and woke up smiling. I danced around and everything, while yesterday I paced like a caged animal. Every little thing aggravated me and hurt me, while today, I was invincible. I hate this so much. This isn't fair.

I sometimes wonder if I'm secretly really beautiful and for some reason I see a completely different face in the mirror.


But no. You can't hide from yourself Victoria... Veronica... Whatever you are. Bones bones bones and bruises.

You are a manipulative person, Veronica, but what goes around comes around. You learned to protect yourself by turning things on the other person. And now, you are the other person. The tether ball is coming back to hit you in the face.

Well goodness me.


If I read this from someone else's point of view, I wouldn't have known I am in an extremely good mood right now!


It really shows, that I... have some issues.

I feel like a ghost in my own past, sometimes. Thinking about it... Peeking through almost closed door. Watching me dance to a 90's song and mouth the lyrics silently. I can't recall the tune, but I am sitting in that very room right now, but when I danced, it was my sister's.

I want to find the song.

For now, i will watch me in a warm lighted room by myself, speaking into my fantasies, thinking they are real. When I realize they aren't... Something feels missing, and I feel sad.

Empty.

Once I found out I had the key to locked doors, I had to open them once. But, shh, don't tell anyone. I thought I might break the barriers down. I still can't bring myself to escape. I could though, couldn't I? I could be free. But what is freedom? Am I free now?

From what.

From what.


Me.




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