rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-02-02 21:34:02 (UTC)

Adoptee

So I wanted to come and write about this after reading a discussion about what people thought about being adopted. It was really strange, many people who said they were adoptees said that they hated being adopted, that it's "unnatural", and damaging... many of their replies were very surprising to me and the support they got from them.

It started to make me think of my own adoption, and how I want to adopt my own children someday.


It kind of starts off like this... my parents fell in love and had a beautiful romance story, but for whatever reason they were unable to have children of their own. I think that's sad considering that is what they wanted I'm sure... however I also wonder why people place such a high standard on "biology"...these genes.. I've been studying biology lately, in particular heredity, and I guess I can understand wanting to have a child who looks like you and the person you love combined, in my opinion that must be the single most trait people desire when they have children...


I wrote recently how my aunt recently died and she has a daughter, well I was looking at a photo of her daughter recently and noticed how much they look alike, and I thought, that must give a little comfort when ever they look at her and see her mom.


Then I thought about all the problems I've had in my adoptive family. First off, we were adopted late, I was 5 and my sister was 7, by then we had both been damaged pretty badly so it would of been better if my adoptive parents would of gotten us at birth, however I guess nobody thought to take away my birth moms rights at that point although they should have.


So that was the first problem, however for me personally I had no memory at all of my birth mother, so I assume we were placed into foster care when I was around 2 or so.. anyway, I hated foster care, it was a nightmare, and today I have the damaging affects that my birth mother and foster care visible for everyone to see (which is my short stature and petite frame)


Anyway it didn't take me long to settle into my adoptive home.. I knew I was adopted but it didn't mean anything to me. But there were problems and I could never understand why.


As children we were given toys at Christmas and celebrated birthdays, but as we got older things started to change, I personally just think it's so much easier for children and adults to mold together regardless of biological differences.


But I remember things started to go sour around age 11 or so.. I remember once my dad saying that if they had never adopted us we would still be in the system, and I remembered feeling hurt by his statement because for one he couldn't have know what would of become of us and two it seemed like he wanted it to seem they were our saviors just fulfilling their Christian duty.


I've written about this once before but I have said sometimes I felt like my parents raised us like someone might care for a dog.. and I'm trying hard not to make it sound like they should of spent tons of money on us or anything, however it was little things that added up that has made me feel that way.. for instance when we did little "plays" and things in school my parents would be late or show little interest.. I remember once nearly missing a field trip with my music class because my mom was late driving me. Also at my elementary school graduation only my mom showed up after I graduated and took my photo.. I remember it so well because the place seemed crowded with parents and siblings there to watch their child graduate.


Anyway... from my moms perspective I can imagine she feel a bit of contentment with us not being biologically hers and how we both suffered academically, however for me personally it was pretty bad from about grade 4-8th, at that time in my life I was getting terrible grades and found it difficult to concentrate and keep up with the class. I wasn't a bad student, but at that time in my life I started suffering from things that not even I can really explain.


So I can see my parents must have felt some disappointment and with that might have thought to put less resources into us.. that's how I feel anyway.. and by resources I mean a lot of things.. love, affection, encouragement..etc they kind of just allowed us to "slip away" into the television..

Anyway... I want and need to continue writing about this because I'm feeling very emotional about it now that I'm older and my parents are also older.. I just feel the need to have some type of closer with them... I just wish our relationship wasn't so bad.. anyway right now I have to go get a little more studying done then go to sleep..


btw I was able to get my car fixed!! my dad really helped me out and I'm so thankful for him for that, but I don't really know how to show it but I will find a way!!


well I have to go..




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