rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-01-26 20:02:09 (UTC)

Fear

So things have been bugging me, and it has a lot to do with my new view of the world and all things evil and the new caution I have with all men.


Since I've kicked sean out of my life I'm worried he might try to retaliate, maybe he feels some anger about the situation since I did it without notice.

The thing about him is that since I've known him he has deteriorated, the way he dresses, wears his hair and acts are all strange. He has a lot of problems, he doesn't respect his mom, his relationship with his ex and child's father is terrible and his friends are questionable.


Basically he has a lot of red flags about him that I have over looked over the years that I've known him, at the time I was so blind and desperately seeking a relationship with someone, now that I see myself and the world clearer I realize that getting to know him has been a huge mistake and right now it's bothering me the most because I've decided to take the steps to remove him from my life, but I'm doing it with caution.

As someone who studies psychology I know and understand that people are not always how they seem to be. As much as I want to have faith that he will just move on and quickly forget about me I don't that is not likely, he seemed to be using me as some type of "back-up" or a potential partner if he didn't find someone he wanted...his attraction towards me were pretty creepy, he objectified me and only wanted sex.

So what am I worried about? well I'm worried he might want to harm me in some way, I turn on the news and get a gimps of reality and of what is going on in the world I'm not really a huge part of, and I see women being kidnapped, murdered, raped...etc.... now here's something I've been thinking about and asking myself a lot lately... A lot of women, and I mean a whole lot of them, from all backgrounds and social classes and even celebrities have talked about being sexually abused, physically abused or raped in their life time... I've heard the stats over and over that it happens to a lot of women, it happens to men too, but women are more often the victims and more often the fatal victims.


So I ask this question: "Who are these men?" they can't all men lonely men who don't have mothers, sisters and children of their own and who live alone in some tiny apartment. These are men women know, they are fathers, uncles, cousins, grandfathers, sons...etc Every man born on this earth knows one woman, he came out of her body, maybe they didn't have a good relationship but she birthed him, she cared enough not to throw herself down a flight of stairs.


So I look at a woman like myself: a young, single woman with no kids, a college degree, low income and trying to make it out here. I wonder if that makes me a target? why should I have to have these fears?? why should I have to sit here in my room afraid that I might be the next kidnap victim??

It makes me feel like it's not fair to be a woman.. we are 50% of the population, not 1/4. We should have more power, more rights. The size and strength of our bodies shouldn't make us victims. We hold the ultimate power and that's the power to create life... sure you need a seed but any seed can be uprooted it is the gardener who decides. This might sound harsh and irrational but I would rather we have less population or no population then to have women and children being the constant victims... now for instance I want to take you to a story I read about in Iran yesterday. A mother of small children wanted a divorce from her husband, he didn't want that so what did he do? he threw acid on her and her children, this woman is now blind and disfigured for the rest of her life and so are her children.

Around the world women are being abused, raped, mistreated, and murdered, keep in mind 9 months we create the very life that turns around and takes our lives. Is it fair? is it right? No it's not.

9 months...that's a long time, more then half a year. We populate the earth yet we are mistreated. I don't understand it, when I think of those 9 months and the miracle of life that happens inside of her belly I think all women should be held as the most valuable people on earth... maybe it's because the world is so over populated that people feel it's ok to just abuse women because there are so many of us..

It's hard for me because I see such beauty in women, natural beauty.. I hate to see young girls working so hard to look like these "porn star women" just to end up being abused, raped..and killed, and all for what? to win the heart of a man, who more then likely doesn't have the same emotions towards her.


I wish we could live on a planet were all women were created as equals... to make things worst it is religion that usually is the main reason people try to justify women as being the "care takers", I really don't think I was made to care for a man or anyone. We all have to survive, if there are more men then women men would have no choice but to care for themselves.


My new feminist ideas have completely changed my views of everything... I don't see men the same, which is in part why I have this new sense of fear and mistrust. I wonder now if a guy flirts with me, is he really interested in me as a person or is he looking for someone to cook, clean, and take care of him?? I realized that there are a lot of men who marry for that reason alone.

It seems like every time you turn on the news another woman has been the victim of something horrible, and it happens everyday. I wonder is my attraction towards women something that has developed slowly over time and not so much a biological coincidence. Could it just be that my brain is changing the more I learn of how women are treated and I'm starting to develop a fear/mistrust of men and a passion towards caring for and loving a woman?


Tasneem said she was more attracted to women then men, but she wasn't a lesbian.. she's also suffered abuse in her life as well.. it's a trend I'm seeing, so many abused women turning towards other women.. I think the more the practice is accepted the more people will be willing to try it or drawn to it. That's what I feel has happened with me.. I'm going to try to study this more by talking to women who claim to be lesbian and bisexual.. I just want to see what I find.


So now... what can I do? just be afraid? be on the look-out? that's my plan.. I hope he will just leave me alone and go find someone else.. I hope that my sister can also stop finding these crazy men so that I don't have to be on edge all the time.

This entire situation has had me rethinking getting a firearm again.. sure I have my pepper spray but that might not work in all situations... even then how will my life be in this constant state of fear walking around with a firearm strapped to my waist at all times?? I just don't think it's a realistic way to live.. I want to network with other women to see what their thoughts and feelings are towards safety and men.. I realize that my feelings are a bit irrational because I'm so out of touch with people..

I didn't go to work today btw... I'm going to go tomorrow though.. as much as I hate missing out on the money I can't help but to feel relief not having to be there with the new supervisor who just seems hostel towards me....I still haven't gotten out of my old spot and into the new one.. it's taking longer then expected.

I think I might want to come back and write again tonight, I'm not sure yet.




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