rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-01-24 21:42:47 (UTC)

stressaches

So I've been having "stressaches" , they are like headaches induced by stress. I had been wanting to come and write, mostly about that entry I said I was going to write about my self esteem and self image and how it has been shaped by people around me more then it has been shaped on my own opinions about myself.


But right now I am not going to write about that... I'm just going to write, simple stress relief writing... I just got finished watching this episode on youtube called "The Mermaid Girl", it's about a little girl who had a disease.. anyway she ended up dieing but she appeared to have an amazing life and sense of joy and happiness.


It had me thinking about my family and how we don't show love or affection.. we don't acknowledge each other..etc.. I just wish there was more love in this family... it had me thinking maybe this girl was able to find her happiness because she knew she had so little, I often find people who are facing difficult challenges seem to gain a sense of zest for life... I want a zest for life but I don't know how to achieve it..

After I watched that I found a quote online about anonymity that really had me thinking..they quote was explaining how people on the Internet often say things that would never say to a person to their face, or they might reveal things about themselves that they wouldn't other wise reveal... often times, especially on youtube you can find people doing this in the comment sections... I remember when I was younger and had first started watching youtube it kind of traumatized me a bit. I couldn't believe some of the comments I was reading about innocent people who wanted to upload a video... it was very disheartening to say the least.


Anyway, it had me thinking about some of the things I do and say, for instance with Tasneem... I can say, honestly, that there were some things I said that I would of never said to her face, there were thoughts that I never allowed to transpire into words as well. But it made me reevaluate my character.. even if I said things out of anger and frustration I was still wrong..


I need to revisit my ethics book and philosophies... I think I have to take another ethics class for credit but I'm not sure.

I also feel in my case, anonymity gives a voice to the voiceless, but I choose what to say, even if some of those words are fueled by emotion and not logic, in the end I mostly end up hurting myself. Anonymity is a topic I'm going to have to revisit often in my writing from now on... to an extent this diary is all under anonymity although the stories and emotions are real... it's what allows me to say things I wouldn't other wise say.. but is that good or bad?


My headaches don't seem to be getting any better, it makes me wonder is it something worst..I've been getting more then enough sleep, however I haven't been getting enough fresh air and outdoor time, mostly because it's cold out right now and I hate the cold. I also haven't been eating enough fruits and things which I feel my body is craving. I've still mostly been having these burritos that have been on sale, I have about one full week left of the month until I can start by grocery budget for next month and get all new things, I've nearly exhausted my grocery budget for this month so I can't afford anything else... I can't wait though.. next month I plan on getting more fruits and veggies.. I've been feeling the difference in using the blender to create these green shakes that I have been having, I think since my cells are getting the nutrients they need to keep my body going I've been less hungry and have had more energy..


So I need to do these shakes more often, the only issue is being able to afford organic like I want to have.


Today I finished up the second section for my biology class, I am loving it so far, of course it's been easy so far because I have been able to remember and recall the processes, this last section was on Mitosis which I remembered well because it was one of the key things we went over in class, I still ended up missing 2 questions on the quiz though, only because the questions were ambiguous, for instance one question asked if the Mitotic stage of the cell cycle was called the M phase... of course they usually just label it Mitotic and not just M, but I said no and it was wrong.. anyway, I still have an A so far in that class and the lowest great is dropped so I'm hoping for a good outcome.. so far we've only been going over biology basics and haven't gotten into anything deep yet that I'm not familiar with.

I have work tomorrow, I'm not sure yet if I will be able to get started training in my new position yet, hopefully I will be able to or maybe they are just waiting for the new month to start before they start.. however I'm only working weekends so I think I should be starting now so that I'll know what I'm doing before it's time for me to really start getting into stuff.


I wish I had something fun and exciting to write about.. oh yea, I noticed the other day that I was nearly at 1000 entries..well I mean it's a while off but it's pretty close, I don't see that as a milestone or anything... in fact I'm kinda thinking it's bad since I've spent all these years coming here and writing yet I haven't seen the changes I've wanted to see in my life, especially with my relationships with other people. That's the reason I come here and write about my problems, I guess if I didn't have as many problems then I wouldn't come here and write.. it's been a journey..


Well I'm going to attempt to get some sleep tonight, I'm hoping it will lessen the issue I'm having with my head, of course I've been in bed nearly 80 percent of the day so I don't know if I'll fall asleep easily or not... night.




Ad: