rainy

My heart in a knot
2013-01-10 21:59:18 (UTC)

Choices...

So I wanted to come and write about this before it completely left my mind. I've been thinking about it for a while now especially since my latest fall out. I really hope I can be straight forward and to the point in an articulate way I would hate to re-read this in the future and hate it...


Ok.. so here is what has been going on in my head lately about dating and relationships with people in general.. We have choices.. but not only do we have choices but in relationships with people they also have choices. I came up with an example while I was in the bathroom the other day thinking about it... there was this container of deodorant sitting on the counter and I realized that if that was not the deodorant I liked I had a choice to choose something else or not use it at all.. however the deodorant doesn't get to choose me back, reject or accept me.

However with people.. in any situation rather it's a potential friendship or romantic relationship both people have to be on the same page. As much as I want Tasneem it doesn't mean anything if she doesn't want me back... rather that's a friendship or anything. She has that choice and no amount of force can make her share the same feeling I have.


Now I know that might sound elementary to most people who are experienced in relationships, but what I'm trying to understand is why do we as humans make these choices and how are we influenced by the larger culture to accept or reject someone from a potential relationship?

In case you didn't know I am at a stage in my life called "Intimacy Vs. Isolation" - everything in me wants to complete this stage, and now that I'm getting older I feel like it's a race, I feel like everyone around me is getting married and having babies (even if their relationships are not successful and they struggle) I still feel "left out" that's the Isolation part.


Since I've gotten older I view my life in stages ware as before I lived for the day or maybe the week.. now I feel like there are so many "stages" I have to complete before it's too late for me..

Anyway... so back to these relationships and how I fail.. I started to think of every relationship I've tried to get into, which didn't honestly start until I was 19 and entering college, before then I just had simple "crushes".. so basically since I've been writing in here I believe starting first with Mel. I can't remember if that was what I first called him in my writing.. but I do know that was the first sign I ever had of having unstable and unsuccessful romantic relationships with people. None of my attempted relationships transpired... and of course I know why which starts back in my early childhood, which is why I absolutely must work with children who are in situations that I experienced so that they can lead happy fulfilling lives..

I feel like I'm kind of loosing my train of thought, I really should write about these things when I am first thinking of them because that's when I'm the most passionate and I feel it reflects in my writing.

I started to feel sorry for myself when I thought about all my failed relationships.. and I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about any relationship with another person. Starting with the relationship with my birth mother... I can't change my past but I can work towards a better future and I'm trying but I feel stuck to an extent.


I feel like I need more action... I come here and write about my problems and ways I could fix them, but rarely do my words turn into action, and I think that's largely in part due to my lack of motivation and encouragement.

This is starting to get daunting for some reason.. I will be starting classes soon, I'm waiting for one book to arrive in the mail and my other books I will have to get when I go to the book store.. so today was my last real day of "freedom" I work tomorrow and all weekend, then on Monday I have my first class. I don't know what to expect and that makes me a bit nervous. My first class starts at 10am, so I will have to arrive early to pick up my books and make sure I'm on time for classes by being able to find the right building lol. Of course I'll come and write about it whatever the outcome.


I have been able to find a small outlet to my frustrations surrounding my last fallout.. I'm happy to have it since I need something to cushion my emotions. This morning was a bit uneventful.. but I think I'll keep that to myself..

Sirens are raging in this neighborhood tonight.. they always are. I always wonder what's going on, but there is no telling, I wish more people would tell their stories but it seems that most people are private or maybe feel no one wants to hear it.


Oh yea... I wanted to start working on a "project" that will help me cope with my failed relationships in the past years, I hope to make some type of compilation of all the people who I've mentioned.. and not mentioned here in my writing I want to tell the story of failed relationships.. I read on the news somewhere that one guy was rejected by 300 something women on online dating.. I can't help but to feel he took the wrong approach.


Anyway... I'm a bit tired.. I've been using my blender again which I'm happy about, I have been consuming a lot more greens and I feel I'm already noticing a difference in my immune system. But I want to revisit this topic again, there were a ton of other things I wanted to say that are related to this topic as well. So hopefully I will remember to come and write about them instead of getting side tracked..





Ad: