rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-12-20 20:10:57 (UTC)

Lots of feelings..

So lately I've been overwhelmed with emotions, feelings and thoughts, I don't really know why but I think it has a lot to do with the latest tragedy that happened in Connecticut, it's been all over the news and I've been thinking and worrying about gun violence.

The news also said that since it happened people have been going out and buying more guns...which I think is just going to make the situation worst..

Then I thought about something.. why these people are out buying these guns.. and I realized that they want to live. Sometimes I see people out here doing reckless things or not striving to be the best in life yet they still want to live.. if you've ever tried to kill a insect then you know they too want to live. Is it just instinctual?


It's strange how our culture glorifies violence with movies and music yet these very people who act and sing these violent things want to live themselves. Dying isn't cool, yet our culture makes it look like it is.

I can't help but to think about rappers when I mention all this... I don't like rap music however I have heard it before since I use to watch MTV growing up. The last time I heard some was at community college.. there was a guy there watching rap videos and playing it, the video was terrible and glorified violence.


Anyway.. back to my point, people want to live, it's true some people are suicidal, but most of the time they are dealing with a issue and they need a little help getting through their problem.. even so suicidal or not I don't think too many people are going to volunteer to die.


This topic is depressing me even more.. I feel frightened for my life, but then I also wonder what is it that I'm living for? maybe I just want life, maybe I want to grow old and write about it. There was a time in my life were I didn't want to live.. I had so many problems and I didn't know how to get through them.. but eventually I learned how to cope, that's where I'm at now in life, I'm coping with my problems, I've identified them and their source, I've dealt with the anger and blaming now all I can do is cope and try to live the best life possible...


I hate this entry so far, I had a lot I wanted to write about but that was last night, I didn't come and write because I fell asleep. I had today off from work and I got a lot done, including a nice shower and hair shampooing. When I had woke up this morning I was feeling a bit sick but after cleaning up a bit I was feeling better.

My mind is all jumbled... I'm getting up at 6 tomorrow for work, speaking of which tomorrow is the 21st, which is apparently "Dooms day" according to the Mayan calendar, but I read people are interpreting it wrong, and that it's actually just the end of the calendar, not the end of the world. I don't think the world will end, although with all the terrible things going on in the world sometimes it seems like the world is going to end and sometimes it seems like the world should end, just so we can start fresh..


Humans are the most complex species, that's a part of why I'm studying Psychology because I want to understand more... you know what? what I really want is to be renowned.. I want to do work that is new and ground breaking, I want to go into the history books. It's funny but it seems not too many people are making the history books now a days.. there are a few people who when you hear their name most people know who they are, mostly because what they did was so great we as a society have chosen to keep their memory alive.


I'd say our president Barack Obama has made the history books...it's funny to think about but maybe 200 years from now when I'm dead and gone my great great grandchildren will read in their history books about him, and I can write a message to leave for them online telling them how he was president when I was alive... they could read my diary and see my struggles...of course who knows how much things will change in 200 years! this site might not even be here anymore, but thank goodness for the backup feature. I want to make sure I save some things for them, but the issue is where do I put it??? maybe in 200 years facebook will also be gone... so how can I archive messages for the future???


I think I'm thinking too far ahead.. I don't even have children yet, nor do I know if I ever will... who knows what tomorrow will even bring for me.. I get off at 2 tomorrow which makes me happy, and it's even better that it will be pay day. I plan on going to a health food store to find some hot chocolate, I found some in other stores but they had a bunch of junk added in them, so my last resort is the health store, but if it's too expensive there then I will just get some chocolate soy milk and warm it up... my chocolate craving has yet to subside despite me having 2 bowls of chocolate cereal for breakfast the other day. I think my body is just trying to deal with the stress I've been feeling lately ..

I've been feeling a little guilty about my "man rants" lately, I would hate for a man to say most women are dependent and dumb.. of course that is not even in the same context as what I've been saying.. I've been drawing off news outlets and my own personal experiences.. I've really started to get into feminism.. it's nothing new really.. I was always interested in it growing up but I didn't know what to call it.. all I knew is that I wanted equality in things I saw were unequal.

I saw an adorable photo of a lesbian couple today on facebook.. and I couldn't help but to want that myself. I just need that sensitivity and emotional connection, although I'm still dealing with a lot of emotions regarding my sexuality.


Well it just turned 9pm and I'm getting sleepy so I guess I should follow my eyes...




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