rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-12-15 19:35:42 (UTC)

Progress

So a bit of progress has been made at work for me, today I had my interview and I may be able to moving into a new position soon. The manager who interviewed me is fairly new so I think he is able to interview me without bias, anyway he said it was a good interview. At any rate my plan is to go in and do the job as best as I can, I've never had a position like this before so it will be a learning process, I feel a bit excited and nervous, I'm also hopeful that this position will help open up some of the social doors that have been closed on me.


Things also look like they will be moving smoothly in my university transfer process, I finally have been able to get in touch with the right people and I have advising next week hopefully. The only thing I'm worried about will be my selection choices, when I was first advised many of the classes had already been full and the selection was limited. But hopefully I can get 3 or more classes out of it..I'm excited/anxious and nervous about starting because I don't know what to expect.


I can't help but to want to label 2013 as my year of growth and progress since I'm hoping that that is what it will be, however who knows what will happen... I'd definitely call 2012 my year of equilibrium, nothing really changed for me, this was the year I discovered I want to express myself more with photography, I also moved out of my parents house. I maintained the same job, finally got out of that community college, but still had difficultly finding true love, or any love really.

It's also the year I started to get more deeply into the news and began to self-identify as a feminist. These two things I need to find equilibrium in because I've found I am on the extreme ends of both and I need to balance it out so that it doesn't begin to affect my life in a negative way.


On another note about work as much as I love the money and extra pay the hours are killing me, but they are mostly killing my feet! at work I don't open and I don't close I've found this is the best thing for me considering the distance and the area.


... well.. I feel like I'm running out of things to write about.. I guess I could continue on about the news story that has taken over this nation, but I'm mixed on what to write about. I want to detail this guy, people keep saying it's good he is not here anymore, but I think that just leaves us with answers we will never know. I've been reading various news articles about him from accounts of people who knew him, many are saying he was a "loner" "nerd" "social outcast" "shy", they said they didn't know if he had any friends or not. I feel like they can only speculate what was going on in his life and in his mind. I can't help but to feel he had some kind of outlet that maybe is hard to find. I don't think it's fair that we have to rely on speculation about why he did what he did... but his age kind of gives him reason to be withdrawn, he was not too long out of high school, which is a place were he could freely be alone and to himself. I've learned it's difficult to find a job were you can be to yourself.


Anyway.. we need strict laws, this was one of the issues I wanted to write about when I was going to write "Utopia", it's not just about guns, it's our culture: horror movies, violent video games, horror/mystery novels and general glorification of violence in music and on TV... our culture glorifies and perpetuates it. As a child I could never understand why people enjoy these things, why do they enjoy fear?? I guess it could just be my own personal personality, I've had to learn not to project my own taste and preferences on everyone else because all people are different. I guess there are just some people who can watch that stuff and are completely unaffected. I can't watch it at all, nor do I enjoy music that details violence.. I also don't like roller coasters or extreme heights that don't have any purpose to reach something.

I remember once someone saying that some people have a hard time distinguishing fiction from reality... sometimes I feel that way, and I think a few things have traumatized me.

Well we can't rewind the past, all we can do is work towards a brighter future. I'm disappointed with the world I live in, but many great leaders have said (in one way or another) if you don't like something about the world you should change it. That's what I want to do, but how? how do you get the tools and resources you need? the great leaders seemed to have action plans.. I plan on studying them more to see what it is they did.. hopefully the library has some good resources on most of them.


Speaking of the library I haven't gone in a while, and I guess I'm feeling a bit upset over that.. I can't help but to feel bad/guilty to be the girl who enjoys going to the library, our culture has created a negative stereotype of people who enjoy going to the library... I personally enjoy the peacefulness of the library more then anything, the new library they built is wonderful however I wish they could of built it a little bit bigger so that the very small children could have their own separate space in a closed off section. They have their own section however it's very open and they make a ton of noise, that's expected at their age and there is nothing anyone can do about it however I wish the library would of planned "screaming kids section" into their design. They also have an outdoor seating area but it's awkwardly in front of a huge window where the inside people are, plus the weather hasn't been friendly enough to sit out there.


I wish I could work in the library.. I think I'd be at peace! I volunteered one year at the library, I can't remember if I wrote about that or not, I didn't have the experience I wanted to have but I did learn that very few people my age seemed to spend time in the library... which made me feel terrible.

I remember once a guy making a comment or "observation" about me and being verbal about it he said that It seemed strange that I didn't want to hang out at the malls like other people my age, I was about 17 or so at that time. And I remember thinking, its not because I didn't want to hang out at the mall, but I just didn't have any money and that seems to be the point of going to the mall, and I hate going places and not doing the point the place is there for... if he would of given me $200 or so I would of gone to the mall.. and I would of stayed until the funds were depleted.

Anyway.. the way the world seems to be going I feel fairly content staying home and finding something fun to do.


Well I think I'm going to go.. I want to do another search for a puppy.. I really want another dog! but a small one so it won't make a huge difference in my available funds for dog food.





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