LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2012-11-28 21:35:38 (UTC)

I Lied


9:35 PM


I lied, I have so more things to say. And they are not nice.

I want to take everyone I hate and thrust my middle finger in their faces, then make them choke on it.

Lol, I sound like a horrible person, I know. But these people... Oh, my god. They are awful. I hate them. Some of them. So ignorant.

Now, usually I feel so guilty I apologize on this thing, but not today. Oh, no. This is my diary. I am ALLOWED to be mean and rude... At the same time, it's hard to let myself be so. I'm always putting up a front, haha. It gets tiring.

I'm very annoyed with Gillian. I just don't get her. I don't think I ever will, and sometimes i ask myself why I try and be her friend. I mean, we are friends. I think. I really don't know. I am still really mad that she is friends with Marina once again.

I know, petty eighth grade drama. You can go ahead and stop reading this now because I am about to ramble.

Gillian is angry with Lily. Initially, we thought this was because she read Gill's diary. But no... Gillian is angry with Lily for defending herself. Lily did apologize, but she also defended herself, and personally, I think she had the right.

But that's the problem. I am not allowed to have personal opinions. My job is to keep the peace and I fucking hate it. Really, all I want to do is start a fight, haha. I truly want to test my strength and see if I can punch someone in the face. I think I can. I really think I can.

But anyhow. So, Gillian forgave Marina for all these past betrayals Marina never even felt guilty for. Marina never feels guilty! I used to call her the Sociopath.

All day, I've just been wanting to scream and stick my middle finger up in the faces of, you know, everyone. I'm so great...

The only person I could never be mad at is Lily. Actually, I still don't want to talk to her because I feel like I annoy people really easily, so all I want to do is curl up and not say a word again.

Actually, I think I might do that. Not become mute, but just try not to touch or talk to people I know that much. I can't.

I can't explain why. I just can't. I don't WANT to talk to them, for their sakes. I'm afraid I am not sad enough for a therapist.

I'm so afraid. When did I become so afraid? I used to run outside naked. When did this happen?

I'm sorry. I want to shut up, but I can't. My mouth is flapping.

Marina invited me to Lily's birthday party on Sunday. I know they've been planning it for some time. I was a little hurt Lily didn't invite me, but I don't want to go anyway.

I really don't. Lily and Marina's friends are going to be there. Probably boys. I'm going to be the awkward, ugly third wheel who's words get stuck in her throat.

I am not going. I'll tell her I'm busy.

On Friday, I'm hanging out with Aid. Maybe we'll smoke weed, haa. Hope so. I really don't give a fuck. I haven't for awhile.

And I need to learn how to roll a blunt so Aaron will stop making fun of me.




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