rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-11-18 23:53:46 (UTC)

Too much time..

So today was a total bore.. I didn't do much but sleep most of the day and spend time online. And in my time spent online I found myself staring death in the face once again, but you know what? I feel my mind changing.. before I would look at a photo of a dead person in a casket and be terrified and traumatized. Now I'm starting to accept it more.. I'm starting to see it more as a release from this world.


I think some cultures handle death better because they don't hide their dead.. Living here in America I haven't seen too much of death, never anything outside of a casket anyway. I wrote about this once before but my first experience with knowing someone who died was a caregiver who helped care for me and my siblings before we were adopted.. she was a older woman, I believe she died in her sleep. I remember the funeral but the thing about is that I remember it more from a dream then anything.


My second experience was in the church we went to, a family that had taken a trip to Florida had gotten into a car accident on their way back, it was a family of 5, a mother, father, 1 son and two daughters. The Father and youngest daughter died.. the rest of them lived.. I didn't focus much at the time, and I didn't know them that well so I don't feel I was traumatized wholly by it, however I did have a fear every time we took road trips again.


My next experience was also from the same church family, the mother of two girls me and my sister were good friends with died of cancer. My mom and her were really good friends and I believe was the only reason we were apart of that church. Her death affected us indirectly since I think my mom started suffering depression but didn't like to show or talk about it. It wasn't soon after her death that her daughters and us grew apart which was sad. I remember her death shocked me because no one told us she was sick. It was like they just didn't talk about those things with children and I think they should have.

After her, it was a lot time that I knew anyone personally who had died, and my adoptive grandmother was the next, I think that was about 2003 or 02, we also were not very close, in fact I don't even think she liked us much. Her death affected my mother in ways she didn't seem to want to talk about or express. For some reason she seems to want to look strong and put on a strong face.


The next person was fairly recently, and that was my aunt, she had a stroke years ago and had never been the same, we had scarcely seen or heard from her since her stroke but in the last few years her health had been betting worst until she died earlier this year, I didn't get to make that funeral because of communication issues and I had a test that day in my math class. But we also were not very close.

So as you can see I don't have a lot of people in my life.. and as a result I haven't felt the pain that people feel where a very close friend or family member passes. I haven't been close to anyone, and I think that's why death scares me so much, maybe it's even a part of why I'm scared to get close to anyone.


Lately my parents have been in poor health.. they are in their late 50's and 60's.. I worry about their deaths.. it's scary how the last time you will ever see them is the day of their funeral. It seems almost taboo for most of America to take photos of the dead now a days.. in the past it was very common. I can't help but to want to photograph it.. I photographed my hamster when he died.. I haven't posted the photos online though because it seems almost taboo even with just a hamster.. it's like our culture doesn't want to look at death. If you ever check out youtube you will find a few videos of people who have tribute videos to deceased people but very few show the body except one's from a lot of Latino communities. I notice they are a lot closer to their dead and celebrate them instead of simply grieving.


It's a depressing topic! and I'm sorry if I've depressed anyone reading this right now. I don't know why I'm afraid of death, maybe I just don't know what to expect after death.

This wasn't the topic I wanted to write about tonight but it was the most recent thing I was thinking about. Right now I'm still looking for love and straightening out my sexuality lol. I watched another video today about a girl who said she was not going to masturbate anymore.. I know that's a real awkward topic.. however I think the idea can be applied to many concepts of giving into personal desires and controlling them.. like my desire to be with women.. It's the same argument I've been wanting to have with Tasneem..she looks at porn like crazy.. but she should control her desires.. just because it's available doesn't mean she should give into it like she does.. it's like Alcohol.. too much is bad for you, and it's the same with porn. Of course she felt like I was pushing my opinion on her instead of having a conversation. I know she also felt I was judging her but the truth is I was.. still I was only going by facts. I have to learn not to judge people so harshly..


Well.. tomorrow will be another day. I think I'm off work but I have to check.. I took a photo of my schedule but tomorrow got cut off in the photo, all I know is that I'm working 23 hours so I am assuming that I won't be working tomorrow.. but I plan on getting other things done. My car needs servicing, and I need to get some more groceries asap... Thanksgiving is this week so I plan on going to get something special.

I just thought of something... I focus a lot on death when I really need to be focusing on life. I'm trying to get my life in order.. I really want to be a better person..


well.. I'm hungry.. so my brain is not functioning like it should be, I plan on just sleeping it off until breakfast, I've been having a difficult time affording food ever since my utilities were such a big responsibility. But hopefully everything will work out since I am getting aid for the cost of classes next semester, and I at least have a job which is better then nothing.

goodnight : )




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